Write Me a Letter
by 100reasonswhy
Summary: Question and answer forum between all of our beloved boys, including Piggy and Simon! Hot Babes? Pizza? Magic lamps? Pasta? ROCK? Talking BOULDERS? We bare all. So check it out and ask away! Rated T just in case any adult themes are crossed ;P
1. Chapter 1

Hello there :) My first fanfiction here. It's a Q&A kind of forum thing. My reasoning for writing this, you see, spawns off the fact that I really hate the stereotypical girl-on-the-island fics of which it is nearly impossible to avoid writing a Mary Sue. So far, I've really enjoyed all the question&answers, so I decided to try it out for myself. Hope you like it :) Thank you.

_Ralph here, writing from biology. Mr. Dowell is droning on about something another, and I'm rather bored, which led me to remember this idea that Bill and I thought up the other day._

_ You, and by you, I mean all my other classmates - we don't know you as well as we'd like to, and you don't really know us. Of course, you've heard stories, I suppose, but are they true? Only we know the answers. Anyway, here's my proposition:_

_ Write us a letter. Write __**anyone**__a letter that goes to St. Darwins (and by anyone, I'm referring to those of us who were stuck on that wretched island). Don't ask how, but we've discovered a way to transport these letters to Simon and Piggy (I don't think they really know that they're dead. They just kind of wander around school like...ghosts. Sort of creepy, but you learn to live with it). We'll respond as soon as we can, but it gets hard with the daily massive amount of homework (completely unnecessary, if you ask me). _

_ I ought to be going now. Mr. Dowell is starting to look a bit aggravated, and I have an exam coming up. Father wouldn't be very pleased if I flunked..oh no, not pleased at all. Leave us a letter, and we'll write back._

_ Yours truly,_

_Ralph Myer_.


	2. Ask the Sadist

Roger,

First of all, I am obsessed with you; you are my favorite character!

So, I have some questions. Are you single? Other than on the island, have you ever tried to kill anyone? Besides Jack, who was your favorite person on the island? Are Jack and Ralph really gay for each other?

Thanks for answering, assuming that you do answer.

-Emily

Ralph: ...why does everybody like Roger so much *makes sad face*

Jack: Because he's hot.

Roger: *blushes* shut up.

Jack: *sings* FAN GIRLS! Well go on, Rog, answer her question!

Maurice: HI EMILY :)

Jack: ...wut.

Roger: thanks for being obsessed with me, I guess.

Maurice: *with exaggerated and fake lisp* HE'S SO MODEST.

Jack: The girl asked you a question...YOU SINGLE OR WHAT?

Ralph: Out of all people, I thought you would know the answer to that question, Jack...

Sam: BUU...

Eric: ...RNNNN

Jack: *blushes* SHUDDUP, RALPH.

Roger: How about you ALL shut up!

Simon: AHH IT'S THE BEAST!

Jack: OH MY GOD SIMON give it a rest.

Roger: ...oh...okay then. YES, I am currently single.

Maurice: CHA CHING

Jack: Oh, Roger's so into this...

Roger: SHUT UP!

Piggy: I CAN ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION FOR HIM! *pushes

glasses up* IF I MAY.

Roger: No, you may not...may?

Maurice: huh?

Roger: I'll answer my own damn questions, thank you very much. Jack forced me into doing this, so if I must, then I'LL ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, Fatty. I've never tried to kill anyone on purpose...

Piggy: ...Says the sadist.

Roger: *gives glare that somehow supports Piggy's statement* But sometimes, I get aggravated and people and I FEEL like killing them, but I don't.

Jack: ...Riiiiiiiggghhhtttt.

Maurice: Next is my favorite question...

Roger: What?

Jack: I WAS YOUR FAVORITE PERSON ON THE ISLAND! I should win a medal for that!

Roger: What?

Maurice: The question asked who his SECOND favorite person was...if you know what I mean *makes creepy face*

Roger: Hmm...I think I'd have to say..

Maurice: *is anxiously bouncing up and down in his chair*

Roger: ...it would have to be...

Maurice: *excitedly is grinning and pointing to himself*

Roger: Bill.

Maurice: WHAT?

Samneric: Who's Bill?

Jack: He's forgettable.

Ralph: Was he even on the island?

Roger: Yes, I'm pretty sure he was there.

Maurice: *still in shock* BILL?

Roger: He's a pretty cool, and by cool, I mean sadistically creepy, guy.

Jack: Sounds like your soul mate.

Maurice: WHO PICKS _BILL _OVER _ME_?

Ralph: Roger does.

Piggy: EH HEM...NEXT QUESTION.

Sam: I think Jack...

Eric: ...should read this one *does creepy twin face in unison with

Sam*.

Jack: *is oblivious* Oh, alright..._ Are Jack and Ralph really gay for each other?_ WAIT, WAIT, WHAT?

Maurice: HE PICKED BILL OVER ME - Woah, woah, WHAT?

Roger: *awkwardly blushes and cackles evilly* THAT'S EFFING HILARIOUS.

Ralph: I...er...this is awkward.

Samneric: AWKO TACO.

Jack: ROGER!

Roger: What? I didn't write the question! But to answer it...I'm not sure, you should ask them yourself...but they both are blushing quite a bit (;

Jack: DON'T USE A WINKY FACE IN A TIME LIKE THIS!

Sam: Ralph and Jack, sitting in a tree!

Eric: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Sam: First comes LOOOOVEEEE

Eric: THEN COMES MARRIAGE

Sam: Then comes Jack and Ralph...

Maurice: WITH A BABY CARRIAGE.

Eric: You...you interrupted our twinception.

Sam: *truly offended at Maurice* how...how could you?

Maurice: *embarrassed* I...I'm sorry...

Jack: ALRIGHT MOVING ON.

Ralph: ...yeahhhh. please.

Jack: Thank you for this epic episode of Roger's quadrilionth fan girl!

Maurice: Get it, Roger.

Jack: Seriously, he's a stud.

Roger: No.

Jack: Ok...okay...

Roger: No.

Jack: Um...al..alright...

Piggy: Thanks for leaving questions! We've got to get back to class now -

Maurice: LEAVE ME QUESTIONS I MUST KNOW THAT I'M WANTEDDDD

Jack: He's such an attention whore.

Ralph: Right!

Samneric: *makes creepily similar awkward faces*

Jack: That was...weird...anyways, see ya!

Maurice: DON'T LEAVE ME-*gets cut off as Jack forcibly drags him away*.

_A/N: Thanks Emily for some awesome questions :) Everyone else please reviewwww!_


	3. The Suite Life of Samneric

**100reasonswhy you are so good at this! It was funny and you stayed so true so the characters :) So I have some questions.**

**Jack! I love you, and you look amazing in war paint XD Why did you and Ralph go from being friends to hating each other? Did you like the island?**

**Ralph, who scares you more Jack or Roger?**

**Roger what do you think about your fangirls?**

**Simon, hi :) **

**Maurice, I didn't forget you, can you tell us something we don't know about each character? pls?**

**-Windsurfergirl**

Maurice: I WAS NOT FORGOTTEN, I WAS NOT FORGOTTEN-

Piggy: Woo, more Jack and Roger fans...

Jack: Shut up, Fatty. I can't help I'm by far the hottest one here.

Ralph: *rolls eyes* Uh huh. Right.

Simon: Guys! She asked us questions! Let's get to it.

Piggy: Good idea, Simon.

Simon: *is in absolute awe that someone acknowledged him*

Jack: Fine, fine. Hey Windsurfer girl...

Sam: Do you...

Eric: ...surf?

Jack: *throws menacing glare* SHUT UP THIS IS MY FANGIRL. But really, do you surf? I would if I didn't live in the middle of London...

Roger: *smirks* You'd look like a retarded seal if you tried to surf. Just imagine it.

Everyone: *simultaneously imagines Jack on a surfboard and cracks up*

Jack: SHUT UP! Anyways, thanks for loving me. I'm loved a lot, I think, because I'm sexy.

Maurice: GIRL LOOK AT THE BODY, I WORK OUT!

Jack: And yes, I look pretty freaking sexy in war paint, although Piggy and Ralph beg to differ.

Piggy: I BEG TO DIFFER.

Roger: Yes. He just said that.

Ralph: It looked stupid!

Jack: HEY! Are you the one with fangirls? Are you the one being loved? She said I look good in war paint, so HA.

Simon: I kind of like the next question. Why _did_ you and Ralph go from being friends to hating each other?

Ralph: I was never friends with that soulless ginger!

Jack: *makes extremely annoyed face* . .soul.

Roger: I don't.

Maurice: ...Oooooooookayyyyy. Moving on. Answer the question, Jack.

Ralph: WE WERE NEVER-

Jack: You're not Jack, blondie. Shut up. But I have to agree, we were never friends-

Sam: Yes...

Eric:...you were.

Maurice: *in awe and amazement* TWINCEPTION IS SO DAMN COOL.

Samneric: *haughty and proud*

Jack: We weren't friends!

Roger: Yes you were. You used to ignore me to go frolic down the

beach with your boyfriend.

Jack: *flushing* HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

Maurice: It's true, Jack. You guys were biffles.

Jack: What the devil is biffles?

Maurice: *cartoon like sparkling in his eyes* BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE.

Roger: HA!

Jack: I-

Simon: So why'd you end up hating each other anyway?

Jack: Because he's bossy, and he didn't want to have fun.

Maurice: *singing* JACK JUST WANTS TO FUN, OH JACK JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN. JACK, HE WANTS TO, HE WANTS TO HAVE FUN, JACK-

Jack: SHUT UP. THIS IS NOT AN EIGHTIES KAROKE NIGHT.

Roger: You were saying...?

Jack: He was like a freaking dictator or something. Seriously, it was like living under Nero. Shelters, fire, shelters, fire, shelters, fire, and then..._JACCCKKKK WHY YU NO WATCH FIRE? _So annoying.

Ralph: WE NEEDED THE FIRE-

Jack: WE NEEDED MEAT.

Maurice: Oh boy, here we go again...

Piggy: JACK! Move on to the next question!

Jack: *huffing and crossing his arms* FINE. Hmm...did I like the island? Yes, I did. It was a lot of fun.

Piggy: ...Not really, actually.

Jack: Maybe not for you...

Piggy: I mean, I died...

Maurice: Wut.

Jack: SUCKS TO YOUR DEATH PRONED WAYS.

Maurice: ...wut.

Jack: Not you, idiot.

Ralph: At least you and Simon can be ghosts now.

Piggy: *sighs* I guess...

Maurice: You won't have to dress up for Halloween! *finds this hilariously funny* LOL.

Simon: ...kay. Let's move on.

Maurice: RALPH, IT'S FOR YOU.

Jack: HA she doesn't love you, Ralph! I WIN. I ALWAYS WIN.

Ralph: Whatever. Alright...who scares me more, Jack or Roger?

Maurice: I...I wasn't considered a scary savage?

Roger: Maurice, you did nothing. The only reason people remember you is because you ruined those kids's sandcastles with me, and that was my idea.

Maurice: I...I suggested to have drums...

Jack: You're not scary, Maurice. Deal with it.

Maurice: Okay. *makes extremely adorable sad face*

Jack: Okay, Ralph, answer the question. I'M INCLINED TO LISTEN.

Ralph: Hmm, well, they were both kind of scary with their war paint on...

Jack: But I looked like a sex god.

Ralph: Uhh...but I think Roger scares me more. He's just generally...creepy. *takes quick glance at Roger*. No offense...

Roger: *literally expressionless* Thanks for the compliment. *is completely serious*.

Jack: I DIDN'T SCARE YOU?

Ralph: Not as much as Roger. I mean, you were just a ginger with weird face paint. Roger was LEGIT scary.

Roger: *pleased* Yeaaahhhh ;)

Jack: Why do you always WINKY FACE in the most awful times?

Ralph: See, he's just...irrational. Always using winky faces randomly, throwing rocks at littluns, throwing boulders at Piggy-

Maurice: THAT'S A NICE A BOULDER.

Roger: It was, actually. A very nice boulder.

Piggy: ...meh.

Maurice: ROGER'S NEXT WOOO ROGER ROGER ROGER-

Roger: I GET IT.

Sam: Haha, this question-

Eric: ...seems very fitting:D

Sam:...on account of our conversation yesterday.

Roger: Yeah, yeah. What do I think of my fangirls?

Jack: ...still not as hot as my fangirls...

Roger: *ignores him completely* I mean, it's kind of weird, because I'm pretty much antisocial, so having a bunch of girls being obsessed with me actually scares me a bit. I don't know why they like me so much anyway...I mean, I threw a boulder on Piggy's head...

Fangirl #1: That's so hot.

Fangirl #2: So hot.

Fangirl #3: You could do it to me whenever you want (;

Maurice: Throw a boulder on your head?

Fangirl #3: Sure.

Maurice: *impressed* I WANT HIS FANGIRLS. THEY'RE SO LOYAL :(

Ralph: Who let them in here?

Roger: They're always there.

Fangirl #1: We've been here all day.

Fangirl #2: *makes extremely creepy face that belongs in the Omen* ALL DAY.

Ralph: O..okay.

Roger: I mean I don't mind it, but unless a girl is sadistic and murderous, then I don't think I'd date her.

Fangirl #1: WHAT

Fangirl #2: THAT'S NOT FAIR.

Jack: SHUT UP. Simon's up next.

Simon: Really?

Jack: HA SHE JUST SAID HI. I'm so much sexier than him.

Simon: *takes letter from Jack's hands* She sounds so sweet. Hi! :)

Roger: Simon, you're too nice. Way too nice.

Piggy: Maurice, your turn.

Maurice: YES FINALLY I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE QUESTIONED-

Everyone else (even Fangirls): ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION.

Maurice: Oh...oh right. OOOH I LIKE THIS ONE *Stares slyly at the others* Who should I start with?

Jack: Maurice...

Maurice: I think I'll start with Jack.

Jack: You better not...

Maurice: *grins* Jack has a BIGBIGBIBGIG secret..

Jack: MAURICE. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW.

Maurice: Shush, child! Revenge is always sweet (; Now, Jack has this little thing...

Jack: Maurice. Stahp.

Maurice: ...he does at night.

Sam: Sounds...

Eric: ...sensual.

Sam: *looks at Eric like WTF*

Eric: *looks at Sam like huh*

Sam: I was going to say embarrassing.

Eric: Oh. Awkward.

Roger: Twinception failed.

Maurice: ...as I was saying, see Jack...

Jack: MAURICE. MAURICE...

Maurice: ...shaves his legs.

Roger: ...what?

Piggy: That's not that bad.

Jack: *seething* Maurice. . .

Maurice: *ignores Jack* SEE? FEEL HIS LEGS.

Everyone: *awkwardly feels Jack's legs*

Sam: Uhh, they're smooth..

Eric: ...I guess.

Fangirl #1: Wow how'd you get them so soft?

Jack: *kind of proudly* I moisturize.

Fangirls: *are impressed*

Maurice: BUT SERIOUSLY, SO SOFT.

Roger: That's what she said...

Jack: SHUT UP. Do him next, Maurice.

Maurice: Okay.

Roger: Oh my god..

Maurice: Roger went through a phase that all men eventually

through...

Sam: ...what...

Eric: the hell.

Roger: *blushing deeply*

Maurice: *grins* Roger, yes...even Roger, once had the Justin Bieber hair flick.

Ralph: I remember that!

Roger: it wasn't Justin Bieber...

Maurice: It was too!

Jack: It was like an emo Justin Bieber.

Roger: I'M NOT EMO AND I DID NOT HAVE A JUSTIN BIEBER HAIR FLICK!

Fangirl #1: ASDFGHJKL MARRY ME ROGER!

Fangirl #2: JUSTIN'S SO HOT..

Fangirl #3: YOU'RE SO HOT.

Fangirl #1: AND TOGETHER...

Fangirls: *creepily again* YOU'RE THE MEANING OF OUR LIVES.

Maurice: ...there's fangirlception too?

Roger: NO. It was NOT Justin Bieber.

Jack: You used to flick it.

Roger: In a none Bieber fashion.

Piggy: Are you a belieber?

Roger: NO! If I had a say about it, he would've been stuck on that

island with us and it would've been HIS head under the boulder instead of yours, Fatty.

Piggy: *in sadness* if only Justin Bieber had been on that island...

Everyone: *sighs* if only...

Maurice: Okay, who shall I do next...*grins* Ralph.

Ralph: Oh brother...

Maurice: This just a random memory I have of him, but when we were like, eight, our school had this talent show thing..

Ralph: Let's NOT talk about that...

Maurice: ...and Ralph won...

Ralph: *meeps*

Maurice: BY IRISH DANCING!

Everyone: *cracks up*

Jack: YOU DANCED...er...IRISHLY?

Roger: We're ENGLISH. Not bloody IRISH.

Sam: Just imagine...

Eric: ...it!

Ralph: WELL I WON.

Jack: Still...

Roger: Did you wear a kilt?

Maurice: Isn't that Scottish?

Ralph: I did NOT wear a kilt. I just danced. And I was bloody good at it.

Jack: No wonder you have no fangirls.

Ralph's Fangirl #1: DON'T SAY THAT YOU SOULLESS JERK.

Ralph's Fangirl #2: YOU'RE SO WEIRD, YOU FREAK.

Ralph's Fangirl #3: WE NEED TO KEEP THE FIRE GOING.

Jack: ...wut.

Ralph: Who...are...they?

Roger: You get used to it...

Jack's Fangirl #1: *dramatically barges through door* WHO SPOKE

ILLLY OF MY CHIEFY-WIEFY-BOO?

Jack's Fangirl#2: WE NEED MEAT.

Jack's Fangirl #3: EXACTLY.

Ralph: Wh...what?

Ralph's Fangirl #1: JACK'S UGLY.

Jack: That...that was mean.

Jack's Fangirl #1: YOUR MUM'S UGLY.

Roger: Haha, I bet she's right.

Maurice: It's a fangirl face-off.

Simon: Can we do this some OTHER time? Maurice still has to finish

his-

Jack's Fangirl #2: THIS ISN'T OVER, TEAM RALPH.

Ralph's Fangirl #2: YOU'RE ON.

Jalph fan: haha, you both suck.

Ralph: I...I don't know what to say.

Jack: Me..me either.

Maurice: MEEP GUYS, LET'S GO.

Sam: Meep?

Maurice: I KNOW A FACT ABOUT SAMNERIC.

Sam: whaaa?

Maurice: *pointing like a crazy person* THAT'S RIGHT.

Jack: WE NEED MEAT.

Maurice: ...alright.

Ralph: See what I mean?

Roger: Jack does that sometimes. It's a side affect from the island.

Eric: WAIT You said you had a fact about _us_!

Sam: Yeah, let's hear it then!

Maurice: *looking away from Jack and awkwardly nodding* Riight. I know that Samneric used to think they could start a show on Disney called the Suite Life of Samneric.

Simon: Huh?

Sam: It was _supposed_ to be a better spin-off from that show...

Eric: The Suit Life of Zack and Cody, which, mind you...

Sam: Sucked.

Eric: The Suite Life of Samneric...

Sam:...would have been much more entertaining, especially...

Eric: ...if the film crew had followed us to the island...

Sam: ...and filmed us there.

Eric: *grins*

Sam: *grins*

Jack: But you don't live in a hotel...

Eric: We lived on an island!

Sam: That's even cooler! Look...

Eric: ...we already planned out a whole new cast!

Sam: CHECK IT OUT. Ralph would be Mr. Moseby!

Ralph: uh...thanks?

Eric: Piggy would be Maddie!

Piggy: How...how does that make any sense?

Sam: Maurice would be London!

Roger: I could definitely see that.

Maurice: I'd be fabulous.

Eric: And Jack could be Estabon!

Jack: ...what? How am I...

Sam: And then Roger would be the crazy guy that has a crush on our MOM!

Roger: *baring teeth* I should've killed you both when I had the chance.

Maurice: That sounds...AMAZING. WHY DIDN'T WE DO THAT?

Sam: IT WOULD'VE BEEN AWESOME...

Eric: ...SO AWESOME.

Roger: Next they'll be doing Icarly...

Sam: DIBS ON SAM.

Roger: *flips hair sarcastically* oh my god...

Maurice: OKAY WHO'S UP NEXT?

Jack: PIGGY

Maurice: okay...Piggy's fat.

Roger: ...you don't say?

Maurice: alright, here's another one. PIGGY FAILED HIS SCIENCE MIDTERM LAST YEAR.

Piggy: *blushes* I WAS DISTRACTED?

Roger: Was there a piece of chocolate on your desk or something?

Everyone: *cracks up again*

Piggy: NOOO!

Roger: Butterscotch candy?

Piggy: SHUT UP.

Roger: A tootsie roll?

Piggy: I DIDN'T STUDY.

Ralph: ...wow. That's...crazy.

Jack: If Piggy failed, then I must've done terrible...

Simon: Don't you know your grade?

Jack: *smirks* NEVER FOUND OUT. OH YEAH, REBEL RIGHT HERE.

Ralph: Sounds like someone could make an angst story about that...

Maurice: *dramatically* ONE DAY, A YOUNG GINGER TOOK A TEST, AND HE NEVER FOUND OUT HIS GRADE...DID HE FAIL, OR DID HE FTW? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON, CHOIR BOYS FLUNKING THROUGH SCHOOL.

Sam: Still not as good as...

Eric: The Suite Life of Samneric.

Maurice: true. Okay, finally, we have Simon :D

Simon: Oh...already?

Maurice: OHYES.

Roger: Simon has secrets?

Maurice: SO MANY.

Simon: None of them are like yours though...yours are funny at least.

Jack: Yours aren't?

Simon: *really sad silence that makes all the fangirls _awwwww_*

Maurice: Actually, come to think of it, I don't anything about Simon.

Everyone: AW DAMN IT.

Simon: That's okay. I can still tell you something.

Roger: You better.

Simon: I guess, something nobody really knows about me, is that I forgive all of you, even though you killed me.

Jack: ...aaaaaaaand my self-confidence is now at zero.

Maurice: I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Simon: It's ok, I forgive you.

Maurice: STOP BEING SO NICE.

Roger: I still feel nothing.

Jack: Dude, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Roger: *shrugs*

Maurice: I'M THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER

Ralph: ME TOO.

Samneric: IF THIS WAS ON THE SUITE LIFE OF SAMNERIC, EVERYONE WOULD BE HUGGING AND CRYING.

Maurice: *hugs everyone* I AM HUGGING AND CRYING.

Simon: It's...it's okay, you guys can calm down...

Jack: HE'S SO INNOCENT.

Piggy: ...I'm glad you guys feel remorseful about him...

Jack: SHUT UP FATTY, WE'RE SAD ABOUT SIMON.

Simon: ...

Roger: ...still feel nothing.

Jack: dude...

Maurice: I'M SO SAD. WHY I AM SO SAD?

Piggy: I think now would be a good time to wind up...

Simon: Yeah...

Samneric: We agree.

Maurice: THEY MUST KNOW IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Simon: I think they get it, Maurice...

Jack: WHY IS RALPH SUCH A JERK?

Ralph: ...okay?

Roger: Random.

Sam: *glances excitedly at Eric* ERIC! WE SHOULD DO SO RANDOM!

Eric: YES! WE'D BE AMAZING.

Piggy: ...yeah we should get going before Samneric decide to reenact

Hannah Montana as well...

Ralph: And we ought to be getting back to class...

Sam: HANNAH MONTANA?

Eric: THAT'S BRILLIANT!

Sam: But the Suite Life of Samneric is still more brilliant.

Eric: Absolutely!

Piggy: Yeah, we're leaving now. Bye everyone!

Simon: Don't forget to send in your questions!

Everyone except Roger: *gets up and leaves*

Roger: *waits a few minutes then sings* I'm all alone, there's no one here, beside meeeeeeeee...*awkwardly looks around for ominous fangirls. gets up and leaves*

**A/N: **I too am a Roger/Jack/Ralph fangirl, so I mean no offense to anyone who is, because quite honestly, I know I'd be one of the girls in the room screaming I LOVE YOU ROGER, because it's true, I do. *creepily smiles* Hehe^.^


	4. Piggeh's Name

**I'm also a Roger fangirl, but I have a question for Piggy. **

**Piggy, what's your real name?**

**-Painting Politics and Poland**

Ralph: ...WHAT IS IT ABOUT ROGER?

Roger: *shrugging* I guess I'm just that much better than everyone else. See, sadists are awesome.

Jack: *frustrated at not being as sexy as Roger* ASDFGHJKL THAT'S IT. I'd like you guys to meetmy hot babe.

Simon: Who's that?

Hot babe: *seductively* Hi, I'm hot babe. *winks*

Maurice: _Helllloooooo_ hot babe (;

Jack: Back off, Maurice, she's _my_ hot babe.

Hot babe: *winks again*

Ralph: Where did she come from?

Jack: I don't know. But she's hot.

Hot babe: *winks again and again* Yes, I am.

Maurice: Giggity.

Jack: MAURICE-

Piggy: Shut UP guys, I have a question!

Roger: Oh brother...

Sam: At least she's still...

Eric: Your fangirl, Roger.

Roger: Meh.

Jack: Get on with it, then.

Hot babe: *winks repeatedly*

Maurice: *faints*

Simon: ...hey that's my thing... :(

Ralph: *stares at Maurice, then at Jack* I think he likes your hot babe.

Jack: Eh hem! _My_ hot babe!

Hot babe: *is now awkwardly winking at Maurice's unconscious body*

Jack: Hot babe, stahp it.

Piggy: CAN I ANSWER THE QUESTION NOW?

Roger: But you don't have the conch, Fatty.

Piggy: *pulls out random conch from his pocket* I ALWAYS have the conch, and twenty more just in case you throw another boulder!

Roger: ...indeed.

Piggy: Now, she's asked me what's my real name, a question I've been yearning to tell all of YOU guys since we first landed on that damned island!

Jack: But Piggy, your name is Piggy.

Roger: Or Fatty.

Piggy: Actually, it's not.

Ralph: So what's your name?

Piggy: *in awe that Ralph, after all that time, has finally asked for Piggy's name* YOU JUST ASKED ME FOR MY NAME! *grins*

Ralph: Uh, yeah.

Piggy: I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY THAT SINCE I ASKED YOU FOR YOUR NAME.

Ralph: Really?

Piggy: YES!

Ralph: Okay then...so...er...what is it, then?

Piggy: HE ASKED AGAIN!

Jack: Dude, . .name?

Piggy: Oh fine, here it goes; my name is Nathaniel McCorbin. There.

Sam: Nathaniel?

Eric: McCorbin?

Jack: Wow, he actually has another name...

Piggy: Now you can all call me Nathaniel.

Jack: LOL not gonna happen.

Piggy: *sad* Why not?

Roger: To us, your name is Piggy. Not Nathaniel. Deal with it.

Piggy: BUT NOW YOU GUYS KNOW-

Jack: Piggy, let's be serious.

Roger: We're not calling you Nathaniel.

Ralph: Nathaniel?

Piggy: Yes, Ralph. Nathaniel.

Maurice: *waking up and noticing hot babe again* Am I in heaven?

Everyone: *looks annoyed*

Simon: I think Nathaniel is a nice name. I'll call you Nathaniel, er...Nathaniel.

Piggy: Thanks Simon!

Maurice: What's Hot Babe's name?

Sam: Yeah!

Jack: You know, we tend to nickname people by their appearances a lot. Piggy, Hot Babe...

Hot Babe: My name is-

Jack: No, you know what, I don't want to know. Learning Piggy's name made him seem somehow weirder, and I like the name Hot Babe for you, so from now on, I, Jack Merridew, formally pronounce your name to be Hot Babe.

Hot Babe: *doesn't wink*

Jack: ...

Maurice: Awk, she didn't wink.

Ralph: I don't think Hot Babe likes her name.

Hot Babe: *doesn't wink again*

Maurice: She's pissed.

Jack: I'm pissed.

Ralph: Why?

Jack: Because Piggy's name is Nathaniel, that's why.

Piggy: BUT YOU SAID-

Jack: SUCKS TO YOUR REAL NAME.

Piggy: *sighs and cleans specs* Oh dear.

Sam: HEY! Can Hot Babe-

Eric: ...join the cast of the Suite Life of Samneric?

Jack: Uhh...sure?

Sam: YES!

Eric: HOT BABE, YOU'RE GONNA BE A STAR!

Hot Babe: *annoying voice* whaat?

Jack: She's not very bright. Let her alone.

Samneric: *sad* AWWWW :(

Piggy: Okay, I think it's time to sign out now-

Jack: How come you always get to say when it's over?

Piggy: Because. I .

Roger: Today, I think I'm ending it.

Piggy: Why?

Roger: Because sucks to you, that's why.

Piggy: *flushes*

Roger: Alright, we're peacing out now.

Jack: ...peacing out?

Roger: See ya later.

Simon: Leave your questions! We'll answer them!

Hot Babe: *winks*

Maurice: SHE'S NOT MAD ANYMORE!

Jack: SHUT UP MAURICE. C'mon, Hot Babe, let's go ditch class some more! *they get up and leave*

Everyone else: *sits in silence*

Sam: *breaking long silence* AWKWARD SILENCE.

Roger: Shut up. Let's go.

**A/N** Painting Politics and Poland, you have a freaking awesome username. Just saying. It's amazing. Roger approves.


	5. Kiss Meh, Fat Boy!

**Hi Guys :D**

**First off, I love all of you! (including Maurice 3) Simon, how did u feel about the other guys all turning on you? Cried at that bit :'(**

**Roger, was there anything that caused you to be the sadistic (but still gorgeous) person you were, even before the island?**

**Jack,(ignoring book description, handsome gorgeous Jack), did u feel guilty once u realized what you'd done afterwards?**

**And finally, any of you read It (Stephen King)? and what would you have done if It/Pennywise the clown had been the beast?**

**You guys are my heros 3**

**Alisa**

Jack: YES SHE LOVES ME.

Ralph: She said she loves ALL of us, idiot.

Jack: *makes extremely immature face* MAH.

Ralph: What?

Maurice: I'M LOVED! YES! I JUST FEEL SO WARM AND TINGLY AND-

Roger: Just...just shut up. Please, shut up.

Sam: Hey, where's Hot Babe?

Maurice: *perking up* YEAH, WHERE'S HOT BABE?

Hot Babe: Hai guyz.

Jack: Yeah!

Maurice: Wadup Hot Babe?

Hot Babe: *winking* Just winking (;

Roger: I think she has a problem with her eye. It twitches a lot. Maybe I should poke it out...

Piggy: Now, now, Roger, let's settle down-

Roger: Don't tell me what to do, besides, the first question is for

Simon, so you shut up and let him answer.

Jack: TELL HIM LIKE IT IS ROGER!

Hot Babe: *being really slow* Wait, what did he say about my eye?

Roger: *face palms self* .god.

Simon: I'm going to answer the question now.

Ralph: Good idea.

Simon: She asked how I felt when you guys turned on me...

Jack: Aaaaannnddd bring on the guilt.

Roger: I don't feel guilt. *blinks*

Hot Babe: Jack babeh, what they be talking 'bout?

Maurice: Shhh, Hot Babe, Simon's about to have a moment.

Simon: I guess I felt betrayed, especially by Ralph, because I really trusted him.

Ralph: ...oh shit.

Roger: Oh cry me a river...

Simon: But even more so when Jack turned on me, because he was like a big brother.

Jack: ...oh SHIT.

Simon: I cried too. Their betrayal hurt my heart more than their spears hurt my flesh.

Maurice: *sniffles* OH SHIT.

Piggy: WILL YOU STOP SWEARING?

Ralph: I just feel so...bad.

Jack: I'm so empty inside.

Maurice: I want a donut.

Ralph: *looks at Maurice*

Jack: *looks at Maurice*

Ralph: You're a douchebag Maurice, you know that?

Maurice: *sighing* I want a donut...TO GIVE TO SIMON.

Jack: Nah, still a douche...

Roger: NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE. All this Simon-sorrow is making me sick.

Piggy: The next question is yours, Roger.

Roger: Oh fuck.

Jack: It's about your...issue.

Roger: Really?

Jack: She asked if there was anything before the island that caused you be sadistic, but still gorgeous *gives creepy grin*

Roger's Fangirl #1: ...he's mine.

Jack: Um..

Roger's Fangirl #1: *produces chainsaw* Stay away.

Jack: Where...where did you get that from?

Ralph: At least we know she's definitely Roger's fangirl...

Roger: OKAY, OKAY. Fangirl, put that away. I have to answer Alisa's question.

Simon: I like your name, Alisa!

Roger: ...yeah, yeah. When I was little, my parents made me study and do chores a lot, so I didn't really have time to play with friends. I've always been kind of dark, but my parents said it was just a phase. They also pretty much ignored me for the entity of my life, and when they paid attention to me, it usually was for a punishment or a beating. It made me angry, and I never had anyone to take out my anger on, so when I got the island, it all exploded.

Maurice: That was intense. You should write that down.

Jack: Dude, you just totally opened up.

Roger: She wanted to know.

Jack: How come you never told us?

Roger: YOU NEVER ASKED?

Jack: Oh.

Maurice: ...seriously, Roger, you should write a biography.

Roger: *sniggers* HA

Maurice: _The Lives and Times of Roger the Sadist_.

Jack: lawl, right..

Roger: CAN WE MOVE ON NOW? I don't like to talk about my past. End of story.

Maurice: What a great way to end your biography. I'm writing this down...what'd you say again?

Sam: I know! He said, _CAN WE MOVE ON NOW? I don't like to talk about my past. End of story_.

Maurice: ..._End of story_. So real, so raw! *writes it down*

Roger: Oh my gosh...

Jack: MY QUESTION NEXT! *pushes Roger away* AND SHE CALLED ME HANDSOME **AND **GORGEOUS!

Piggy: ...ha.

Jack: I am such a handsome devil.

Ralph: ...I'm described as the attractive one :(

Roger: How attractive would you be if I sliced your fugly face open?

Maurice: ..That escalated quickly.

Simon: ROGER!

Jack: EXCUSE ME, YOU MEDIOCRE PINEAPPLES, I HAVE A QUESTION THAT NEEDS ANSWERING!

Maurice: ...pineapples?

Sam: I'm not a...

Eric: ...pineapple.

Jack: *snorts* Shut up. She asked...

Piggy: ..if you felt bad about what you'd done afterwards *adjusts glasses and gives curt nod*

Maurice: *in awe* I didn't know you could do twinception even if you aren't twins...

Jack: What?

Maurice: You and Piggy just did TWINCEPTION!

Sam: *flicks hair* Nobody does twinception...

Eric: *flicks hair* Like Samneric.

Jack: ...right. Now to my question...As you can see, I did feel guilty about Simon. We were friends, and I really missed him.

Simon: ...aw:)

Roger: ...gross.

Jack: Like he said, he was like a little brother to me. But Piggy...nah, he had to go.

Piggy: ...You're such a brat.

Roger: You were the brat, Fatso McFatty.

Jack: HA GOOD ONE *attempts to high five Roger*

Roger: *ignores Jack's high-five*

Everything: *is awkward*

Ralph: Alright, moving on. She has a question for everyone.

Everyone: Yeah?

Ralph: She's wondering if anyone's read It by Stephen King?

Sam: OH YES! I'm Pennywise-

Eric: ...the dancing clown!

Roger: That book is sick.

Sam: He lives in sewage!

Eric: He reminds me of Roger!

Roger: ...I'm not a clown. Shoot me if I ever contemplate becoming one.

Jack: Done.

Roger: *sighs* Whatever.

Ralph: She also wants to know what we would've done it Pennywise/It was the beast.

Percival: *is random* Pennywise was the Beast...

Jack: *smacks him over the head* No he wasn't.

Roger: If he was, he would've looked at Piggy and gone, KISS ME FAT BOY.

Everyone: *Cracks up.*

Hot Babe: *is confused* What?

Jack: Here. Look at this. *slides computer over with this link  watch?v=bOUMIXbTM5U* That's Piggy and Pennywise.

Hot Babe: *watches then gets it* OH MY GOSH THAT'S HILARIOUS!

Maurice: HIYA GEORGIE!

Jack: The movie is hilarious...

Roger: Pennywise just casually creeps through the shower drain...kid like backs towards the corner of the shower...

Jack: Like an idiot.

Maurice: Why would you talk to a clown in a drain anyway?

Jack: Ralph would.

Ralph: I would not!

Jack: If Pennywise had been the Beast, you'd would've died. Legit.

Ralph: SHUT UP!

Piggy: On this awkward note, I'm going end it...

Maurice: I'M PENNYWISE THE DANCING CLOWN

Jack: *snickering at Piggy* KISS ME FAT BOY!

Piggy: ...yeah, definitely awkward. See you all later! Leave us questions!

**A/N** It's funny that you asked about Pennywise, because my friends and I have nearly a hundred inside jokes about that! Especially the Georgie scene from the movie. Pretty intense stuff. Thanks for your review! :)


	6. PASTA!

**Wait a minute. **

**I do have a question.**

**Any of you ever heard of Hetalia perhaps? :3**

**-Cocolada**

Maurice: I'M KOO-KOO FOR COCOLADA

Jack: *is terribly confuzzled* ...what?

Maurice: Like the ad. Coco puffs. Part of a nutritious breakfast.

Roger: I eat blood for breakfast.

Roger's Fangirl #1: THAT'S SO HAWT.

Roger's Fangirl #2: JUST LIKE EDWARD CULLEN.

Roger's Fangirl #3: YOU COULD DRINK MINE!

Roger: That's just gross, you fucking freak.

Piggy: That's not nice, Roger.

Roger: Yeah, and smashing a boulder over your head wasn't nice either, but I did it anyway.

Maurice: WHAT A REBEL.

Simon: GUYS she did ask us a question...

Ralph: Yeah...so anyone heard of Hetalia?

Maurice: PASTA!

Roger: dafuq. I've never heard of it.

Maurice: PASTA?

Roger: Why the hell is he saying Pasta for?

Maurice: PASSSSSTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A

Sam: I think that...

Eric: ...Maurice likes pasta.

Maurice: NOOOO!

Ralph: Okay...geesh, you don't like pasta.

Maurice: NOOOOOOO!

Ralph: ...wut.

Maurice: Ralph, you're so much like Germany.

Ralph:...wut.

Roger: did you just call him...Germany?

Maurice: AND YOU'RE RUSSIA.

Roger: How am I...what are you on about?

Jack: We're British! Not German or Russian, you nutter!

Maurice: ...oh yes, you're definitely Britain!Do you have imaginary friends, by any chance?

Jack: *blushes* well...no...I...no...Maybe.

Maurice: AH HA!

Piggy: how is this answering her question?

Maurice: Pasta? Ralph: Why do you keep saying that?

Maurice: Shut up, Germany. That's what I'm calling you from now on.

Jack: LMFAO that's hilarious.

Maurice: SHUT UP BRITAIN YOU SUCK AT COOKING.

Jack: that...that was mean. That really hurt my feelings.

Maurice: Go play with your imaginary friends while I eat some pasta.

Roger: . . .MAURICE!

Maurice: RALPH! RALPH! I'M STUCK NEXT TO RUSSIA AND I CAN'T TIE MY SHOELACES!

Ralph: ...the fuck?

Maurice: *whispering* psst, say, _Hello, Italy_.

Ralph: Why?

Maurice: Just do it.

Samneric: Nike.

Ralph: Er...Hello, Italy.

Maurice: YES MY LIFE IS COMPLETED HELLO GERMANY

Ralph: WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME THAT?

Jack: *eating random turkey sandwich* Maurice this is weird...

Maurice: *snatches Jack's turkey sandwich, takes a bite, and spits it out* YOUR FOOD IS SO BLAND! *faints*

Simon: THAT'S STILL MY THING. :(

Ralph: How about someone looks up what Hetalia is.

Piggy: *pushes up specs* I'll do it!

Roger: Good luck, Fatty (;

Jack: NOT THE TIME FOR A WINKY FACE, ROGER, YOU PUNK, YOU.

Roger: Shut up...Britain(;

Maurice: *dreaming, whispers* _pasta..._

Everyone: *looks over*

Hot Babe: *winks*

Maurice: *winks in his sleep*

Hot Babe: *winks again*

Piggy: I FOUND IT! It's a series based on the different countries...oh.

Roger: I guess Maurice knew it all along...

Jack: That's why he was calling me Britain, I guess.

Roger: And I'm Russia *reads about Russia* Oh yes, I'm definitely Russia.

Sam: BE YOUR OWN KIND OF...

Eric: ...SAMNERIC.

Sam: ...I was going to say beautiful, but whatever.

Hot Babe: *winks*

Ralph: Random...

Roger: What the fuck is wrong with people? Sometimes I just want to buy an elephant and ride on its back just so I can smush you all with my elephant's fucking big feet and you'll all splatter all over the room and I'll smile.

Jack: ...alright, Roger. Alright.

Maurice: *still dreaming and asleep* stuck in...North...Africa...shoelaces...need...tying...Germany...GERMANY!

Ralph: ...is he dreaming about me?

Jack: Okay, somebody WAKE HIM THE FUCK UP.

Hot Babe: Okay. *winks repeatedly*

Maurice: *miraculously wakes up* HOT BABEH, I SEEZ YU.

Jack: Is he on meds?

Hot Babe: *winks and eye gets stuck*

Maurice: *cringes* Eww, now she looks like a retarded Barbie doll.

Hot Babe: *cannot unstick her eye. Now looks crazy*

Maurice: *screams*

Roger: *reads more on Hetalia* By the sounds of it, I'm dubbing Maurice as Italy.

Maurice: pasta?

Roger: Yes, Maurice. Pasta.

Jack: Lots of it.

Hot Babe: JACK! HELP MEH! MEH EYE IZ STUCK!

Jack: *scowls* that's just...that's just...

Hot Babe: *unsticks her eye. Smiles. Winks again. Eye is stuck again* DAMN IT!

Maurice: Hot Babe, please, control your temper. For the sake of pasta...

Simon: I'm so lost...

Piggy: Okay, I'm ending this. This is just...random.

Maurice: OH BTDUBS, I've heard of Hetalia. My sister likes it.

Jack: ...you don't say?

Maurice: *offended* I do.

Piggy: ALRIGHT, time to get back to class...

Sam: How come you...

Eric: ...say goodbye?

Sam: If this was The Suite Life of Samneric..

Eric: ...we'd say goodbye.

Piggy: *sighing* Alright, you two say goodbye then.

Sam: GOODBYE, READERS.

Eric: TUNE IN TO THE SUITE LIFE OF SAMNERIC.

Sam: *pokes Eric*

Eric: *twitches*

Hot Babe: *winks other eye. It gets stuck*

**A/N** Cocolada, your name really is awesome. I like it. I hadn't heard of Hetalia before but I looked it up and it's so hilarious! Thank you for that!:)


	7. Oh Hai Bill

**Y'all are HI-LAHR-EE-OUS.**

**Jack: You used to be my favorite character. But you're still the most smexy-est anarchist if that makes you feel better.**

**Roger: I JOIN YOUR LEGIONS OF FANGIRLS. STAY SADISTICALLY SWEET.**

**Maurice: Hi there! Just to let you know I like you too! :)**

**Now questions: WHAT IS YOUR SEX LIFE?! If you have none *cough*Simon*cough* Romantic life. **

**Thanky!**

**-AzmariaHarmony**

Jack: I...I used to be her favorite...

Maurice: Now Roger's her favorite. She's joined the legions of fangirls.

Roger's Fangirl #1: Yes, a new follower!

Roger's Fangirl #2: OUR FORCES GROW STRONGER!

Roger's Fangirl #3: SUCK IT, JACK.

Jack: HEY WAIT A MINUTE, she still thinks I'm the most smexy anarchist.

Roger: ...I'm her favorite :D

Jack: *embarrassed* DAMN YOU, ROGER.

Piggy: You guys are crazy.

Bill: Seriously.

Jack: BILL WTF?

Ralph: Oh THAT'S Bill! Back on the island, I always mistook him for a palm tree.

Bill: It's all cool.

Roger: ...he just called you a palm tree.

Bill: Yeah?

Jack: That doesn't upset you?

Bill: Yeah.

Jack: So aren't you gonna tell him off?

Bill: Nah.

Piggy: O.o

Maurice: This guy is so chill it's giving me frostbite...*thinks then

grins* YEAH BOY That was good!

Roger: Maybe you can be the next Lil Wayne.

Ralph: Off topic, guys..

Bill: Nah, it's cool.

Ralph: What?..

Sam: Bill is so...

Eric: ...Calm. It's crazy.

Piggy: WE HAVE QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERING...

Sam: They won't listen, because in Jack's words...

Eric: ...we're all...

Sam:...pineapples.

Jack: Oh...oh yeah.

Simon: Roger! She wants you to stay sadistically sweet.

Roger: *grins* Will do, will do.

Simon: And Maurice...wow, she actually said something to you...

Maurice: *snatches letter from Simon's hand* .god. She...she likes me...SHE ACTUALLY LIKES ME!

Jack: Oh boy, here we go...

Maurice: I'VE WAITED ALL MY LIFE TO MEET SOMEONE WHO LIKES ME -

Roger: Can I kill him, or does somebody else want to do it?

Bill: Chill, bro.

Roger: ...don't tell me to chill.

Maurice: THIS IS MY MOST FAVORITE PERSON EVER, SHE LIKES ME!

Ralph: I'm going to announce her question now...*takes letter back from Maurice...reads* Ooh, awkward question..especially for Simon.

Simon: Huh?

Jack: *takes letter from Ralph and reads* She wants to know about our sex lives and/or romantic lives.

Roger: *sits back and smiles* this will be very interesting...

Bill: I'll go.

Jack: ...are you even part of this?

Bill: Yeah.

Ralph: Okay...you can go, I guess.

Bill: I met this girl once, Delilah.

Roger: Delilah?

Bill: She went to school in New York, but we fell madly in love.

Jack: New York? Wow.

Bill: Yeah, but we were poor, and our parents didn't like our relationship. She couldn't afford school, so I had to pay our bills with my guitar.

Simon: That's so sweet!

Hot Babe: If only Jack would do that for me...*eyes are still stuck..cannot wink*

Bill: I sent her a lot of letters with songs lyrics to them. We were separated by a thousand miles, but I could reach her by train or plane or car, so it was all...cool.

Jack: ...hang on, this sounds kind of familiar...

Bill: So once I went to see her, and we totally did it.

Ralph: Wait, how _old_ were you?

Bill: Like, old.

Simon: How old?

Bill: Like, old.

Piggy: alright..

Jack: HANG ON, isn't that a song?

Bill: wha...what are you talking about?

Jack: Isn't that Hey There Delilah?

Bill: Wh..what?

Roger: LOL i think it is...

Maurice: BILL, YOU DECEIVER OF ROMANCE!

Bill: I...

Ralph: OH SHUT UP GUYS.

Hot Babe: Can I's be Bill's hot babeh now?

Jack: *snarling* NO.

Hot Babe: Whateva.

Jack :*now smiling slyly* Now it's my turn.

Roger: *laughs*

Jack: *frowns* What? What's so funny?

Roger: Ju..just you. You're funny. That's all. Continue.

Jack: *nodding slowly* Aight...well, I mean, because I'm sexy, I get loads of girls.

Hot Babe: JACKIE! WTF!

Jack: Shut up, Hot Babe, I'm talking. Anyways, I mean, I reject like ten girls a day.

Piggy: ...right.

Jack: SHUT UP FATASS. I guess I'm pretty experienced, especially because I'm a freaking sex god. I'm like Zeus or something.

Ralph:You've called yourself sexy like three times already, Jack. We get it.

Jack: I AM SEXY.

Roger: So, you're saying that you like girlss? Gonna disappoint the Jalph fans, are we?

Ralph: *flushes* Uh..can we not...that's a kind of...awkward topic.

Jack: *blushes* I'M NOT IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH BLONDIE. END OF STORY.

Roger: Okay, okay...

Maurice: *devilish face* If you say so...

Jack: Maurice, I will hit you in the fact with this slice of pizza if you say one more word!

Maurice: But Jack, I think it's MY turn to share my awesome S-E-X life now:)

Jack: *throws piece of pizza*

Maurice: Ow! But anyways...yes, I am sexier than Jack-

Jack: *throws another piece of pizza*

Maurice: OW! Where the hell are you getting this pizza from?

Jack: *suddenly has a box of pizza*

Everyone: *is amazed*

Jack: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

Maurice: O...okay. But I met this girl once, Bella.

Roger: She was Italian.

Maurice: AND GREEK. Supermegafoxyhottie

Roger: Pft, right...

Hot Babe: Not as supamegafoxiehottietottie as meh, right?

Maurice: ...right. But anyways, she was really into me...

Roger: *sneering* literally...

Maurice: *steals pizza box from Jack and throws slice at Roger*

Roger: Pizza doesn't affect me. *takes bite from pizza* I like pizza.

Maurice: So...weird. But Bella and I met during the summer and one thing led to another and...

Jack: We get it. Your innocence was lost.

Roger: You were corrupted.

Bill: You lost your cool, bruh bruh.

Maurice: Bruh bruh? What the fu-

Roger: I think Ralph should go next.

Ralph: i think Roger should go next.

Roger: Oh please, everyone knows I'm unexperienced.

Jack: LOSER!

Roger: It just doesn't appeal to me yet. I'd rather kill something.

Sam: Sounds...

Eric: ...exasperating.

Jack: Fine then, Roger. Ralph, you're up.

Ralph: *blushing* Well...I...I

Sam: Loads of people...

Eric: ...fancy Ralph.

Sam: Even Mrs. Buckshire...

Eric: ...favored him in class.

Ralph: Don't be stupid.

Jack: Aw c'mon Ralph, please don't tell me you're like Simon.

Simon: Huh?

Jack: Even Maurice's has had some!

Maurice: ...why wouldn't I have?

Ralph: Well...well I guess...you know...I mean there was this once...

Everyone: Yeah?

Ralph: And then this other time..

Everyone: Yup?

Ralph: And then that time when I went to the Bahamas and met that one girl..

Everyone: *now kind of shocked* Ye..yeah?

Ralph: And then on the cruise ship.

Everyone: Wha...

Ralph: And behind the school.

Everyone: What the fu...

Ralph: And when I went to Italy...

Everyone: *extremely shocked*

Jack: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH GOODY-TOO-SHOES RALPH?

Ralph: *shrugs* I...I guess I've kind of been around.

Roger: No fucking kidding, you manwhore.

Maurice: Seriously, Ralph. What the fuck?

Ralph: WHAT?

Simon: I'm confused. What's going on?

Maurice: Dawh he has virgin ears.

Simon: What?

Jack: I..Ralph...What the...I'm so...HE'S NOT EVEN SEXY.

Hot Babe: Yez babeh he iz.

Jack: Shut up are you even speaking English? What is 'Yez' and 'Babeh'?

Hot Babe: *REJECTION HURTS*

Maurice: Samneric, you're up next.

Sam: I kissed a girl on the cheek once...

Eric: Once I danced with a girl.

Samneric: *grin*

Maurice: ...that it?

Sam: Yeah, pretty much.

Jack: Ralph needs to model himself after them and CLOSE HIS FUCKING LEGS.

Ralph: ...? I'M A DUDE YOU MORON.

Maurice: Since when does that give you the right to be a PLAYA, Mr. PLAYA.

Roger: Ralph's a pimp.

Ralph: I AM NOT A PIMP.

Maurice: And Jack's his bitch.

Jack: WHAT THE FUCK MAURICE *throws another pizza slice*

Maurice: OW!

Roger: *picks pizza off Maurice and eats it*

Everyone: dafuq Roger.

Maurice: Alrighty...Simon, you next. What's your ROMANTIC life like?

Simon: Honestly, I just want somebody who will sit down and talk to me and read a book and who understands how I feel. I don't want someone that's been with everyone-

Jack: cough cough...Ralph...

Simon: I want someone who sees ME for who I am. Someone I can trust and be close to.

Maurice: Dawh, you can tell he definitely hasn't been hit by the wrath of puberty yet.

Piggy: And he never will, nor will I, because you killed us.

Jack: ...aaaaaaand I want Roger to kill Piggy again already. But really sweet stuff, Simon.

Roger: How cute, he's got virgin ears.

Simon: What?

Maurice: Do you know what sex is, Simon?

Simon: Sure! It's whether you're a boy or a girl!

Jack: *face palms self* Will somebody please explain to him what it really means.

Ralph: Jack...

Jack: What? Don't Jack me, you slut.

Ralph: I'M NOT A SLUT.

Maurice: We better go.

Ralph: HE CALLED ME A SLUT.

Jack: he IS a slut!

Ralph: You're a ginger!

Jack: Ho..how dare you!

Ralph: A soulless freaking ginger!

Sam: Oh..

Eric: boy..

Maurice: Yup, we're peacing out before this gets messy, but real quick...

**Why thank you for thinking my name is awesome. XD**

**You're welcome, Hetalia is amazing. (There needs to be a LotF/Hetalia crossover as I've mentioned before.)**

**This time for serious, I don't have a letter for anybody. xD But I'll leave another review if I think of one.**

**-Cocolada**

Maurice: Since Jack and Ralph are fighting...

Ralph: GINGER! GINGER LIKE THE ROOT!

Jack: SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SLUTTY

Maurice: ...and Roger's eating pizza.

Roger: *chewing nonchalantly on pizza* yeah Jack!

Maurice: I'm going to answer the thank you's...if you asked another question in your thank you letter, then it'll have it's own 'chapter' with the questions.

Sam: THANKS AGAIN..

Eric: FOR ALL UR REVIEWS :D

Maurice: ...yeah. So Cocolada, it was NOOO trouble. I like Hetalia. I like Pasta. A lot.

Sam: He does.

Eric: A lot.

**Awww thanks Simon xx :D Ralph you are awesome but Jack... No one beats Jack! Roger Fangirl, Bring it on, sweetheart! **

**If I think of anything else I'll review but I am your loyal minion/fangirl till then hehe **

**-Alisa**

Maurice: and now Alisa...I feel like Simon liked your name...

Simon: I did.

Maurice: Yeah, well...

Simon: Aw, she thanked me! Really, it's an awesome name! :D

Maurice: YO RALPH CAN YOU COME HERE FOR A SEC?

Ralph: *stops mid-fight with Jack* What?

Maurice: ALISA SENT A THANK YOU AND UR MENTIONED!

Ralph: What'd she say?

Sam: She said that you were awesome..

Ralph: *cheers* YES SEE JACK SEE!

Eric: *annoyed at Ralph for interrupting twinception* BUT, she also said that no one beats Jack.

Ralph: Wh...what?

Jack: YES BITCH LOOK AT THAT! Who's soulless now?

Maurice: And Roger, she left something for you too.

Roger: You mean for my psycho fangirl with the chainsaw?

Maurice: ...yeah.

Roger's Fangirl #1: WHHAAAT?

Maurice: Eh hem... BRING IT ON SWEETHEART, from Alisa.

Roger's Fangirl #1: *raises chainsaw* BRING IT.

Roger: Please, please, let's just enjoy some pizza and then you guys can fight over me because suddenly I'm feeling a lot sexier than before. Sadism is just that hot I guess.

Jack: ...right. Can Ralph and I continue?

Maurice: Yes you may.

Jack and Ralph: *continue fighting*

Maurice: Anyway, thanks again Alisa! T'IS TIME TO GO NOW.

Sam: NOOOO...

Eric: ...OOOOO!

Maurice: Yes. We're peacing out. SEE YA :D

Ralph: WE NEED FIRE!

Jack: WE NEED MEAT!

Roger: We need pizza.

**A/N**: HIYA:) Thanks again AzmariaHarmony for some awesome questions! If you left a thank you note to the LOTF gang but included questions, then it will have its own chapter, so don't fret :) Thanks for reviewing


	8. Simon's Fifteen Minutes

**haha i love this! and i just wanted to say...im a Simon fangirl! Simon is my cutie angel3 gosh! he is so CUTE and sweet! and ahh! *hugs Simon!* and i was wondering...can i be Simon's hot babe?! i'll wink just for him!(; oh! and have any of the boys gotten their first kiss yet? :) **

**P.s- Simon...you better not have kissed anyone -.-**

**-littlePandas**

Maurice: Out with the Roger obsessors, it's time for SIMON TO SHINE!

Jack: What the bloody fuck...

Sam: Simon, you have a real...

Eric: ...fan!

Jack: ...I JUST DON'T GET IT.

Roger: Meh.

Simon: Oh..oh hey there little pandas!

Eric: Actual little pandas, like baby pandas, are adorable...

Sam: ...we looked up some pictures of them in science...

Eric: And they...

Sam: ...completely fulfilled our adorableness meters.

Jack: *frowning* O...okay. Alright, Simon...better get your fifteen minutes of fame over with...

Simon: What should I answer first?

Ralph: She said she was your-

Everyone else: DON'T SAY THE WORD-

Ralph: ...fangirl?

Ominous Simon Fangirl #1: SIMON'S MINE.

Ominous Simon Fangirl #2: NO WAY, HE'S MY BUNDLE OF CUTENESS.

Ominous Simon Fangirl #3: HE'S MY TEDDY-WEDDY KINS!

Jack: ...they make my fangirls look like terminators.

Roger: Bundle of Cuteness?

Maurice: Teddy-weddy kins?

Simon: I'm not really sure...

Ominous Simon Fangirl #1: AWWW, HE'S SO CUTE!

Ominous Simon Fangirl #2: LOOK HOW CONFUSED HE LOOKS!

Ominous Simon Fangirl #3: I'M GOING TO WRITE A FICTION AND PAIR YOU WITH ROGER, EVEN THOUGH HE'LL PROBABLY KILL YOU.

Simon: Uhh...thanks?

Roger: WITH SIMON? Yeah I'd definitely kill him.

Maurice: Stahp it, Roger. HE'S STILL SO INNOCENT.

Piggy: How about we answer some questions!

Simon: Good idea...Anyways, thanks for being my fan, littlePandas. I'm glad someone appreciates me:D

Maurice: You sound like my mom.

Ralph: She called you her cute little angel...

Simon: Uh yeah, thanks! I seem to get that a lot.

Maurice: AWWHHH

Roger: I'm allergic to adorableness.

Jack: You're just allergic to life in general.

Roger: *scowls*

Jack: *whistles awkwardly*

Simon: Moving on...*receives hug* Thanks for your hug! Hugs make me feel better^.^

Roger: I hate hugs.

Maurice: *gives Roger a hug*

Roger: I'm going to kill you now.

Maurice: *slowly backs away*

Roger: *stares daggers*

Jack: *interrupting* WOAH SIMON, WOAH - she wants to be UR hot babe!

Hot Babe: Wahh?

Jack: Not you, idiot!

Hot Babe: Ohh.

Simon: My..my what?

Maurice: She'll wink just for you...*glances over at Hot Babe*

Hot Babe: *still can't wink*

Maurice: *cringes* Hopefully she won't wink too much..

Simon: Wink?

Jack: SIMON, look at you, you little pimp!

Ralph: He's like, eleven.

Jack: SHUT UP YOU WHORE.

Ralph: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT A -

Piggy: GUYS!

Simon: So...what do I say?

Jack: SAY YES HOT BABES ARE AMAZING AND THEY WINKKKK!

Maurice: Your very own HOT BABE, Simon! This is HUGE!

Simon: So yeah I guess she can be my hot babe, whatever that means...

Maurice: SIMON'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!

Jack: GIRLFRIEND!

Simon: *blushing* Hey, she asked you guys a question too...

Jack: GIRLFRIEND!

Maurice: Simon's got himself a HOTT BABE!

Simon: Guys...

Ralph: Aw leave him alone..

Jack: Says the slut.

Ralph: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Piggy: Wait...she DID ask us a question!

Jack: Dat be true?

Piggy: She wants to know if we've gotten our first kisses yet.

Jack: *laughing* Uh yeah.

Maurice: Yep.

Bill: Cool. Me too.

Maurice: BILL! How long have you been here?

Bill: ...the whole time?

Maurice: Oh MY BAD, I mistook you for a table.

Bill: It's all cool.

Roger: ...man this guy puts up with ANYTHING.

Eric: That's what...

Sam: ...she said ;)

Maurice: ...twins are perverted.

Eric: In...

Sam: ...deed. *gives creepy face*

Maurice: Okkayy moving on...yes we've all had our first kiss except, conveniently, Simon.

Simon: Why is that convenient?

Maurice: Because she said, and I quote: P.s- Simon...you better not have kissed anyone.

Jack: Your Hot Babe is clear on where she stands, bro.

Simon: Oh...okay.

Roger: Poor little Simon...

Maurice: Aw, baby Simon is growing up.

Piggy: *adjusts glasses* Actually, to be potently clear, it is impossible for Simon to grow up now that he's DEAD.

Jack: *twitches* Will you...PLEASE...shut up?

Piggy: *pulls out random conch* I GOT THE CONCH-

Roger: *has random knife* AND I GOT THE KNIFE!

Jack: His knife beats your conch, asshole.

Piggy: *looks down* O..okay...

Simon: Anyway, thanks for the questions, littlePandas!

Jack:...you mean New Hot Babe?

Hot Babe: I CAN'T BE REPLACED BY A SIMON FANGIRL-

Roger: . . . . . .

Ralph: HEY! Not all blondes are bimbos!

Roger: *sighing* I actually wasn't talking to you, Mr. Fire Obsessor. I was talking to Hot Babe.

Hot Babe: I'm wiv Ralph on dis un.

Jack: Why do you talk like that?

Simon: It doesn't matter. She can be free to express herself:D

Jack: Just...just...oh whatever.

Simon: We better be leaving. Thanks for your amazing words littlePandas!

**A/N**: Wrote this in a hurry. But seriously - listen to Samneric. Baby pandas are freaking adorable


	9. Boulder, Stahp It

**Hey, thanks for answering my questions :) Yes, I actually surf! You should all try it, its fun and there's nothing like it! Its cool you live in London, I was there this summer and I thought it was an amazing city.**

**Jack, since you liked the island so much, would you ever go back? (if you do, take me with you). And what kind of music do you like?**

**Aw thank you Simon, you're a sweetheart :)**

**Ralph, : awesome and I still like you (just not like I love Jack). But if I was marooned on the island with you guys I would have chosen Jack's tribe, it would've been fun! Anywayz, why aren't you a choirboy? **

**Hey Roger... mind doing something for me? Can you devise a plan to get rid of Hot babe? She annoys me. Violence is accepted. Thanks in advance XD**

**-Windsurfergirl**

**Maurice: ** HAI AGAIN :D

**Roger: **huh. So she does surf.

**Jack: ***sighing* I would like to surf one day...

**Roger**: *laughing hysterically* I STILL CAN'T IMAGINE IT!

**Jack: ***glares* Shut up, you...you hobknocker. But about London, yes it is quite nice, especially when I'm there. I just add to the sexiness of the city.

**Maurice: **Sex in the City?

**Jack**: ...wut?

**Maurice: **It's a T.V show. My mom likes it.

**Piggy: ** Eh hem...we have some questions, you know.

**Roger**: Shut up, Fatty.

**Simon**: Jack, you go first!

**Jack: ***flicks hair* Oh I suppose...Hmm, to answer your question, Windsurfergirl, yes, I would go back. It was awesome, and for the first time in my life, I got a tan.

**Piggy: **You would go back to that DREADED place?

**Ralph**: Why?

**Jack**: Shut up, you skanky little slutty Ralph. this is MY time. Anyways, Windsurfergirl, of course you could come, mainly because there were no girls on the island and we could have fun and live it up.

**Roger**: Live it up? What the fuck?

**Maurice**: LIVING IT UP, OH YEAH, LIVING IT UP, WITH THE PAPARAZZI!

**Ralph**: Maurice -

**Jack: **-What the hell?

**Maurice: ***sniffles*

**Hot Babe: **Babeh Jackie Boo, yu gotz more questionz.

**Jack: **So I do, so I do. My god, well done, Hot Babe. What kind of music do I like? None of that hideous rap junk that Bill likes...

**Bill: **It's all cool, bruh bruh.

**Jack: ** and none of that weird pop stuff that Maurice's into...

**Maurice**: *singing* THIS TIME MAYBE I'LL BE, BULLETPROOF...

**Jack: ** ...or any of that old stuff that Roger likes.

**Roger: **It's called classic music, Jack. Not 'old stuff'. *huffs because nobody understands him*

**Jack**: I like something with a nice beat, maybe like My Chemical Romance or U2. Oasis is good too.

**Roger: **I thought you didn't like that 'old stuff'.

**Jack**: I don't.

**Roger**: *facepalms self* My god Jack you can be SUCH an idiot...

**Piggy**: MOVING ON -

**Sam: **Why does-

**Eric: **-Bill have a clarinet?

**Bill**: *is holding clarinet*

**Everyone**: *stares*

**Bill**: *plays clarinet*

**Ralph**: ...Okaaaayyyy. Simon, you're up next.

**Piggy: **He'll never really be up now that he's DEAD.

**Roger**: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT BEFORE I CALL GHOSTBUSTERS AND GET THEM TO SUCK YOU UP INTO A LITTLE VENT OF MISERABLE ETERNITY YOU FREAKING LITTLE-

**Jack**: -PINEAPPLE.

**Sam: ***sighs* here he goes again with the pineapples...

**Eric**: Really, Jack. It's old.

**Roger: **KIND OF LIKE MY MUSIC CHOICE, I GUESS.

**Piggy**: HEELLOOOOO, it's Simon's turn. Simon, go on.

**Simon: **Uh...hi again *waves*

**Maurice: **dawh.

**Jack**: Ain't he just adorable.

**Simon**: You're welcome because...well...you really are sweet :)

**Jack: **Naww.

**Roger: **It's not that cute. He thinks everyone is sweet.

**Jack: **Uh oh. You'll make the fangirls mad-

**Simon Fangirl #1: **SHUT UP, MY POOKIE BEAR IS ADORABLE.

**Simon Fangirl #2**: HE'S MORE CUTE THAN ANY OF YOU UGLY TROLLS WILL EVER BE.

**Simon Fangirl #3**: ROGER, THAT WAS JUST SO MEAN THAT I'LL HAVE TO WRITE A SLASH STORY ABOUT IT.

**Roger**: wh...what?

**Simon**: I...I...*obviously overwhelmed*

**Bill: **He can't handle the cool, bruh bruh.

**Jack**: WILL YOU STOP SAYING BRUH BRUH? Besides, the slut is up next.

**Maurice**: Buuuuuurnnnnnnnn!

**Roger**: How was that a burn, Maurice? It wasn't even that insulting.

**Maurice**: *shakes head in frustration* No, I'm talking about the cookies I was baking.I accidentally touched the pan and they burned me, so I said, buuuuurrnnnnn!

**Jack**: Weird timing.

**Eric: **Wait...

**Sam: ** Why were you...

**Eric:** ...baking cookies?

**Sam: **And where did you...

**Eric: **...get the oven from?

**Maurice: ***pulls off oven mitts* I'm gifted in the arts of pastertatus.

**Jack: **That can't be a word.

**Maurice: **It's not. I just made it up because I'm that smart.

**Ralph**: Alright...My turn, now.

**Jack: ***coughs* slut *coughs*

**Ralph**: SHUT UP. Yeah, it is awesome, and I don't understand why you like Soulless better than me, but I guess everyone has their preferences...

**Jack: **At least I'm not a hoe.

**Ralph**: At least I'm not described as just plain fugly.

**Jack**: I'M NOT FUGLY.

**Ralph:** Mhm. You keep telling yourself that.

**Jack**: She said she would've joined MY tribe!

**Ralph: ** WE NEEDED FIRE!

**Jack: **WE NEEDED MEAT!

**Maurice**: Why didn't we just cook the meat over the fire that Ralph could look after?

**Jack**: ...

**Ralph**: ...

**Jack**: ...

**Ralph: **...

**Jack**: I don't know.

**Ralph**: That probably would've been the smart thing to do...

**Jack: **But then again, Roger needed to be crazy and kill people, so that wouldn't of worked.

**Roger: **Yeahhh buddy. Thumbs up for sadists!

**Ralph**: Wow, I never thought we could've used MY fire to cook YOUR meat!

**Everyone**: ...*holding back laughter*

**Jack: ** . .

**Ralph: **What?

**Maurice: **HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

**Ralph**: Did I say something?

**Maurice: **THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

**Roger:** *mimicking Ralph in a girl tone* _We could've used MY fire to cook YOUR meat! _Get it, Ralph!

**Ralph: **WHAT? NO- I didn't mean it that way!

**Jalph Fan**: Suuuuuuuureee. See, this is good. This is nice.

**Jack**: NO, NO, NO! He could carry DISEASES or something! He's been EVERYWHERE!

**Ralph**: I HAVE NOT!

**Jack**: He could have STDs!

**Ralph**: I DO NOT!

**Maurice**: Ralph, you naughty boy.

**Roger**: This is getting sadistic. I'm liking it.

**Piggy**: Ralph, you never finished your question...

**Ralph: **Oh...why wasn't I choir boy? *laughs* Well, because I-

**Jack**: He can't sing. And he certainly can't hit C sharp.

**Roger**: You and your bloody C sharp...

**Ralph**: That's not true. I could sing if I wanted to. I just don't like to. I'd rather play sports.

**Maurice**: Jocks.

**Bill**: Sports are cool, bruh bruh.

**Ralph**: I know...

**Roger**: He probably just wanted to play sports so he could hook up with all the girls who came to watch him play...

**Maurice**: Yummy.

**Jack**: He can't sing to save his life...literally. *makes creepy face*

**Ralph**: . .face.

**Jack**: Jerk face? Ouch. That hurt. Not really. *smiles*

**Roger**: Hey, Jack, Imma let you finish, but I think my question is the best of all time. OF ALL TIME.

**Maurice**: What is it, then?

**Roger:** Someone has asked for a favor.

**Sam: **A-

**Eric: **-favor?

**Maurice**: like a sexual favor? I didn't know you were a prostitute. HEY RALPH, you're not the only slut!

**Ralph**: *facepalms self*

**Roger**: No - Maurice, why are you a pervert? It's a deadly favor.

**Maurice**: ooh. For who?

**Roger**: For you, I wish. But actually, it's for...Hot Babe.

**Hot Babe**: Hot Babeh?

**Roger**: Yes. You.

**Jack**: NOOOOOOOOO NOT HOT BABE!

**Maurice**: NOOOOOO MY LOVE!

**Jack**: *looks at Maurice*

**Maurice: ***looks at Jack*

**Sam**: Awkward.

**Jack:** YOU CAN'T KILL HOT BABE!

**Maurice:** We don't even know her real name!

**Roger: **Sorry, the request has been accepted. *pulls out random boulder*

**Piggy: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Boulder**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Maurice**: Did that...boulder...just...talk?

**Boulder**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Ralph**: What...

**Hot Babe: ** Iz a flying rohck?

**Roger**: Oh yes. A flying rock. *throws boulder*

**Maurice**: Look at that upper arm strength! Have you been working out, Roger? You're looking good - WAIT, HOT BABE, NOOOOOOO!

**Jack**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Hot Babe**: *winking fiercely* ONE DIRECTION I LUHVE YUUUUUUUUUU!

**Boulder**: *slaps Hot Babe with entire rock body*

**Hot Babe: ***splats*

**Maurice**: NOOOOOOOOO!

**Jack**: HOT BABE, NO!

**Bill**: Gross.

**Ralph**: LOOK AT THAT MESS, WHOSE GONNA CLEAN IT UP?

**Roger**: *winks at camera* Satisfied, I hope. Oh well, it's time for us to go.

**Sam: **Can we have some of-

**Eric: **-Maurice's cookies now?

**Maurice**: *sobbing* SHE WAS MY ONLY FRIEND!

**Jack**: SHE WAS **MY **HOT BABE YOU IDIOT!

**Piggy**: That was a traumatic experience for me.

**Roger**: Time to go. Bye.

**Maurice**: NOOOOOOO *is cut off by Roger*

**A/N** to all you directioners out there, One Direction sucks. They covered Wonderwall and tried to 'revamp' the Abbey Road cover. They will remain forever in my box of hatred. Hopefully, one day Roger can splatter them too


	10. Maurice Haz Breakdown

**Jack, I think you're cool, but tone down on the bloodthirsty stuff! Once you've done that, I'll tell you how much of a fangirl I am!**

**Simon, just going to say, you're the most adorable thing on the planet!**

**Everyone else - I don't really care about you.**

**-SideshowJazz1**

**Maurice**:HURTFUL, VERY HURTFUL.

**Jack**: Sorry, Maurice is touchy about these sorts of things.

**Maurice**: MY FEELINGS ARE HURTED.

**Roger**: Hurted?

**Jack**: Let him vent.

**Roger**: *sad* But...but that's not a word -

**Maurice**: I, FOR ONE, THINK I AM THE MOST AMAZING CHARACTER IN THE WORLD.

**Roger**: Actually, you suck, Maurice. You suck.

**Jack**: Well obviously I don't, because LOOK WHO THINKS I'M COOL.

**Sam**: But still, she even admitted-

**Eric**: -That the whole bloodthirsty get-up-

**Sam**: -Is weird.

**Jack**: but...but...

**Roger**: Yo, bloodthirsty is MY thing. Find your own weird hobby, C-Sharp Boy.

**Jack**: I invented the savage!

**Ralph**: Not really, but whatever-

**Jack**: Shut up, hoebag.

**Ralph**: *flushing* WILL YOU SHUT UP-

**Jack**: *clearing throat* But fine, I guess I can stop being so ravaging, sexily bloodthirsty if it'll gain me a fangirl. But I'm still sexy. I can't help my parents had sexy beast genes.

**Ralph**: *rolls eyes* Pfft...right.

**Maurice**: I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE LIKABLE GENES, BUT EVIDENTLY-

**Roger**: Chill the fuck out, dude. She said she doesn't care about anybody but Jack and Simon, so calm down. Geesh.

**Maurice**: *twitches* I'm Maurice. Everybody loves Maurice.

**Bill**: Guess not.

**Maurice**: Shut up, Bill. Most people can't even remember you.

**Ralph**: That's Bill? I totally thought he was a toaster!

**Bill**: Why do I always appear as miscellaneous objects to you guys?

**Ralph**: Because you're a Bill.

**Bill**: ...what?

**Ralph**: It's a mixture between a Phil and Bob. A Bill.

**Sam**: Bill's are-

**Eric**: -bad news.

**Sam**: You get them in the mail-

**Eric**: -And they charge you money.

**Sam**: But sometimes-

**Eric**: -You can vote on a bill.

**Sam**: -To get it passed.

**Bill**: ...what?

**Sam**: Don't worry about it.

**Eric**: It's twinlogic.

**Sam**: Through twinception.

**Bill**: ...k.

**Jack**: Yo Simon, my main man, you got some answering to do!

**Simon: ** I do?

**Jack**: Yeah. She says you're the most adorable thing on the planet!

**Simon**: Aw thanks! But I don't really think so. I think puppies are the most adorable things on the planet.

**Roger**: ...I eat puppies.

**Simon**: *looks horrified* I...I...oh...I...

**Roger**: With ketchup.

**Simon**: I...I...uh...

**Roger**: And mayo.

**Simon**: Well...I guess everyone...has their thing...

**Everyone**: *is awkwardly silent*

**Maurice**: *loudly and breaking the silence* ROGER YOU SICKO, EATING PUPPIES.

**Roger**: What?

**Maurice**: What kind of sicko are you?

**Roger**: Uh...the kind that enjoys throwing boulders at fat kids and hot babes, and eats puppies. That kind of sicko.

**Jack**: It could be worse. He could be a rapist or something.

**Maurice**: According to most of these fanfics, he is a rapist.

**Jack**: What?

**Maurice**: Yup.

**Jack**: *turns to Roger* ROGER!

**Sam**: HOW-

**Eric**: -RUDE, ROGER.

**Roger**: *blushing* I haven't done anything of the sorts!

**Ralph**: Riiiiightt.

**Roger: **Like you can talk, hoe boy.

**Ralph**: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT A HOE-

**Bill**: This isn't cool.

**Roger**: Shut up Bill, you suck.

**Sam**: And you tend to look like-

**Eric**: -anonymous objects.

**Piggy**: Like telephone poles, or palm trees-

**Bill**: At least I'm not the same width as the boulder that crushed you.

**Piggy**: *makes sad face* Okay...

**Jack**: Anyway, thanks for giving me a mention in the question. And I will...TRY...to be a better...less blood thirsty...person.

**Sam**: Pineapple.

**Jack**: *glares*

**Sam:** *slowly hides behind Eric*

**Eric**: *looks at Sam*

**Jack**: *looks away*

**Simon**: And thanks again for thinking I'm adorable! It means a lot! :D

**Roger**: Even though he gets it, like 24/7 from the-

**Everyone**: DON'T SAY THE WORD!

**Roger**: *grinning evilly* What word? You mean...*whispers* fangirls?

**Simon Fangirl**: SIMON IS MY BUNDLE OF SWEET CANDY AND CUTENESS!

**Ralph Fangirl**: But he's no where near as hot as RALPH, who could be an ABERCROMBIE MODEL!

**Jack Fangirl**: JACK'S WAY SEXIER THAN SIMON AND RALPH!

**Simon Fangirl**: Simon's adorable and innocent!

**Jack Fangirl**: Jack's steamy and sexy!

**Ralph Fangirl**: At least Ralph's not a soulless ginger!

**Jack**: *fuming* CAN WE PLEASE STOP WITH THE GINGER JOKES!

**Ralph**: ...sorry man.

**Simon**: Oh dear...

**Jack Fangirl**: *snaps fingers* OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

**Ralph Fangirl**: I JUST WENT THERE.

**Jack Fangirl**: GO TEND TO YOUR FIRE.

**Ralph Fangirl**: GOT HUNT SOME INNOCENT PIGS!

**Simon Fangirl**: OH NO! Not innocent pigs!

**Roger Fangirl**: LET'S WRITE A FANFIC ABOUT HUNTING INNOCENT PIGS AND MURDERING SIMON'S FANGIRL.

**Maurice Fangirl: **I'm relatively new to this, but my kind is growing!

**Maurice**: I...I HAVE FANGIRLS NOW?

**Piggy**: It seems that your fangirl population is gradually increasing.

**Maurice**: MORE THAN BILL'S?

**Piggy**: Hmm...I'm not sure about that yet. Bill's pretty chill.

**Bill: **Yeahhh ;)

**Piggy**: But you're close!

**Maurice**: THIS IS AMAZING. Screw all of your fangirls, WHERE'S MINE?

**Roger**: Oh boy..

**Maurice**: SHOW ME SOME LOVVVEEEEE!

**Roger**: *frowning* ...No, I don't think I will.

**Maurice**: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. I WAS TALKING TO ALL OF THEM!

**Roger**: Riight.

**Maurice**: LEAVE ME LOVE.

**Roger**: I'm good.

**Maurice**: DON'T LEAVE ME FORGOTTEN OR I'll FREAK OUT.

**Roger**: I'm leaving then.

**Maurice**: I MIGHT JUST CRUMPLE UP AND DIE.

**Roger**: ...then I'm DEFINITELY leaving!

**Maurice**: LEAVE ME YOUR LOVE WITH SOME CHOCOLATES AND A GIFTCARD TO APPLE BECAUSE I WANT TO BUY ONE DIRECTION'S NEW ALBUM...wut.

**Roger**: I don't think I will...WAIT, what was that about One Direction?

**Maurice**: Huh.

**Roger**: Did you say you're actually BUYING their new album?

**Maurice**: No.

**Roger**: Yes you did.

**Maurice**: No I didn't.

**Roger**: You just did.

**Maurice**: Nope.

**Roger**: Yes, you did.

**Maurice**: *holds pizza slice over Roger's mouth to silence him* Shh, Roger, it'll all be over in a few minutes.

**Jack**: ...what?

**Ralph**: Are you trying to suffocate him with a piece of pizza?

**Maurice**: No...

**Roger**: *pushes Maurice away* I knew he was a Directioner!

**Maurice**: At least I'm not a Belieber with a Bieber haircut.

**Roger**: I DO NOT HAVE A JUSTIN BIEBER HAIRCUT.

**Piggy**: Alright, it's time to go now. Bye everyone!

**A/N**: A little Roger/Maurice heart to heart in there ;


	11. Da Magical Lamp of Bill

**I'm back with one of the most important questions of our time.**

**...**

**...**

**Who is best pony?**

**-Cocolada**

**Sam**: Pony? As in My Little Pony?

**Eric**: I guess so.

**Sam**: *looks around* Where is everyone?

**Eric**: Not sure. I heard Roger had detention for threatening to-

**Sam**: Yeah. I heard. No need to go into detail.

**Eric**: True. What about Maurice?

**Sam**: I saw him finger painting in art class. I think he also got detention for not focusing on the assignment.

**Eric**: Surely Ralph wouldn't also have a detention..

**Sam**: Nah. He just slept in. Not sure exactly where he is now.

**Eric**: Bill?

**Bill**: Over here. Been here the whole time, bruh bruh.

**Sam**: MY BAD! I though you were a-

**Bill**: Let me guess...you thought I was a table, right?

**Sam**: *scratches head* Actually, I thought you were a lamp, but close enough I guess.

**Eric**: Where's Piggy and Simon?

**Bill**: Not sure. But you guys have a question.

**Sam**: And it's really important-

**Eric**: -the most important of our time-

**Sam**: -and I don't know the answer to it.

**Everyone**: *stares blankly*

**Sam**: *quietly* If we don't know the answer to the most important question of our time-

**Eric**: -then could something bad happen?

**Sam**: -Like could the whole world explode?

**Eric**: What if the fate of the entire human population rests on the answer to this question?

**Sam**: -and we get it wrong?

**Eric**: *looks at Sam*

**Sam**: *looks at Eric*

**Samneric**: RESPONSIBILITY IS TOO MUCH FOR US!

**Bill**: You guys take this stuff way to seriously, bruh bruhs. Seriously, the solution is clear.

**Sam**: It is?

**Eric: **THAT LAMP IS TALKING!

**Bill**: ERIC, I'VE ALREADY ANNOUNCED MY NAME.

**Eric**: It knows my name!

**Sam**: Miraculous!

**Bill**: Sam! I was just having a conversation with you! Remember? You thought I was a lamp but I thought that you thought that I was table?

**Sam**: *stares blankly before whispering* Eric, it even holds some level of intelligence.

**Eric**: *stares in awe* Maybe Jack sent this lamp-

**Sam: **-to help us answer the most important question of our time.

**Bill**: GUYS! YOU KNOW WHO I AM!

**Sam**: Yes, Lamp, now we do. We understand you.

**Eric**: We now recognize the reason of your magical appearance.

**Bill**: I'M NOT A LAMP-

**Sam**: You're right...YOU'RE A MAGICAL LAMP.

**Eric**: Now, Lamp, we need your help.

**Bill**: *gives up and flops down* To answer the question about the pony, right?

**Eric: ***quivering* The Lamp can read minds too...

**Sam**: .god.

**Bill**: Yeah, yeah. Magic lamp. Okay, so if you don't know the answer, you should just answer it from all different angles. One of you reckoned it was from My Little Pony, right?

**Sam**: THE LAMP HAS SEEN MY INTELLIGENCE.

**Eric**: PRAISE BE THE LAMP.

**Bill**: *somewhat flattered* Well...I guess...yeah, PRAISE ME.

**Sam**: Okay, so My Little Pony. Which is the best My Little Pony?

**Eric**: I don't watch that show. What do you think, Lamp?

**Bill**: The Lamp knows not.

**Sam**: this is one of those challenges where we answer the question but also find the true meaning of our souls or life or something like that. It happens in all of the movies.

**Eric**: So we've got to figure out the answer OURSELVES.

**Sam**: Exactly.

**Eric**: Okay, so I don't know any of the characters-

**Sam**: Fluttershy is best pony. Period.

**Eric**: ...what?

**Sam**: She is. She's so pretty. I just want to brush her pretty mane.

**Eric**: You...you know the characters?

**Sam**: Uh...yeah. Problem?

**Bill**: Awkward.

**Eric**: LAMP, what do you think of Sam's answer?

**Sam**: IS IT ADEQUATE, MAGIC TALKING LAMP THAT KIND OF REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE I THINK I KNEW ONCE MAYBE.

**Bill**: *sighs* I guess. Er...I mean...THE LAMP OF FORESEEING MAGIC APPROVES OF FLUTTERSHY, I think.

**Sam**: I KNEW SHE WAS THE BEST.

**Eric**: I hope we got the question right, because I don't want to accidentally get the most important question of our time wrong and blow up everything.

**Sam**: Yeah. I hope the world agrees with my answer.

**Bill**: Patience is key, young twin.

**Sam**: Thank you Lamp, for your incredible wisdom.

**Eric**: THANK YOU MAGICAL LAMP.

**Bill**: No problem.

**Door**: *opens*

**Everyone: ***looks over*

**Jack**: *walks in. stares* What?

**Sam**: JACK! JACK. YOU'RE HERE JUST IN TIME.

**Jack**: *rolls eyes* what now, twinkie?

**Eric**: THE MAGIC LAMP HAS TOLD US THE ANSWER TO THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF OUR TIME.

**Jack**: Look, I just got out of detention-

**Sam**: YOU HAD DETENTION TOO?

**Jack**: Yeah...long story. Point it, I have a headache, and I just want to sleep.

**Eric**: BUT JACK, WAIT-

**Jack**: There's no such thing as a magic lamp.

**Sam**:THERE IS JACK, HE'S RIGHT HERE. *gestures to Bill*

**Jack**: *blatantly ignores him* Whatever. It's just like Santa or the Easter Bunny. Not real.

**Sam**: ...Santa's not real?

**Eric**: ...the Easter Bunny doesn't exist?

**Jack**: *leaves*

**Sam**: *sighs* What are we going to do...

**Eric**: It's alright, Sam. We know the Magic Lamp exists. After all, he's right here.

**Bill**: *sighs* Guys, I'm really not a lamp. I'm Bi-

**Eric**: You're bi? That's okay, Magical Lamp. You can be whatever you want to be.

**Bill**: No, you cut me off. I'm Bi-

**Sam**: Polar? That's alright, Magical Lamp. So is Fluttershy.

**Bill**: Forget it. I give up.

**Eric**: Don't give up, Magical Lamp! We'll get Jack to believe in you one way or another!

**Sam**: We will, Magical Lamp! And as long as we believe-

**Eric**: The magic will still prevail!

**Sam**: No matter if you're bi and bi-polar!

**Bill**: Oh boy...

**A/N** I hope I answered your question correctly! I did a different take with this on by focusing mainly on the twins and Bill, but it was fun to write, and I hope it was as equaaaaallllly (says in Sev. Snape's voice) fun to read :D

BTW: This is what Bill looks like according to each character.

**Samneric**: He's a lamp. A magic lamp, of course.

imgres?q=floor+lamp&num=10&hl=en&sa=X&biw=1396&bih=772&tbm=isch&tbnid=PIq4LK2mXwV3BM:&imgrefurl= . &docid=1ZTURm3l0yi-HM&imgurl= . /_coLFC3lIx-M/SXisXqOOn8I/AAAAAAAACzc/M3UK18RX52Q/s400/resto%252Blibrary%252Bfloor%252Blamp% &w=400&h=390&ei=NYOQUI60No-s8QTSlIDYBw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=654&vpy=177&dur=206&hovh=222&hovw=227&tx=143&ty=100&sig=115633657909457596865&page=3&tbnh=147&tbnw=147&start=67&ndsp=42&ved=1t:429,i:383

**Ralph**: He's a palm tree. Or a toaster.

imgres?q=palm+tree&num=10&hl=en&biw=1396&bih=772&tbm=isch&tbnid=b3TTOAn1X4nrMM:&imgrefurl= wiki/Arecaceae&docid=j38E67AbUyRpqM&imgurl= . . .jpg&w=220&h=328&ei=cIOQUKqyHo2g8QTZ24HABw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=178&vpy=153&dur=262&hovh=262&hovw=176&tx=128&ty=111&sig=115633657909457596865&sqi=2&page=1&tbnh=138&tbnw=91&start=0&ndsp=33&ved=1t:429,i:134

imgres?q=toaster&hl=en&biw=1396&bih=772&tbm=isch&tbnid=ojXInqY30f8cYM:&imgrefurl= wiki/Interesting_facts_about_Toasters&docid=SKKM14HD2ROdpM&imgurl= . /_ &w=549&h=660&ei=Z4SQUNaXBonc8ASFpIDQDw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=664&vpy=268&dur=616&hovh=246&hovw=205&tx=130&ty=110&sig=115633657909457596865&page=1&tbnh=143&tbnw=119&start=0&ndsp=20&ved=1t:429,i:149

**Maurice**: He's a table. A cool table.

imgres?q=table&hl=en&biw=1396&bih=772&tbm=isch&tbnid=AAFs29-97zpdXM:&imgrefurl= . &docid=BY5DP-Mdu0Yf6M&imgurl= . &w=468&h=351&ei=BYSQUJF2h-bxBP26gIAF&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=186&vpy=192&dur=354&hovh=149&hovw=199&tx=93&ty=72&sig=115633657909457596865&page=1&tbnh=131&tbnw=175&start=0&ndsp=25&ved=1t:429,i:147

**Piggy**: He's a telephone pole.

imgres?q=telephone+pole&num=10&hl=en&biw=1396&bih=772&tbm=isch&tbnid=OHllEJ5MOcH75M:&imgrefurl= /Tags/beltica/Interesting&docid=LxmsEoxz0lrcIM&imgurl= . /2078/1656830932_ &w=333&h=500&ei=yYSQUOaiC4SS9gSywIGQBw&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=715&sig=115633657909457596865&page=1&tbnh=142&tbnw=97&start=0&ndsp=28&ved=1t:429,i:204&tx=63&ty=55

**Roger**: He's an idiot. I have no representation for you. Sorry


	12. Mauriz, King of Awezom

**You all are adorable. Including you Jackie.**

**Ralph: Just so you know, when I ship Y on the rare occasion, you top. Jack has too many mood swings not to be the wifey.**

**Maurice: YOU NOW BE MAH FAVORITE. SCREW ROGER. ALL HAIL MAURICE, KING OF AWESOME.**

**Jack: Still numbero dous. Still sexy. Also, what is your favorite thing to watch on the telly. (I would ask Ralph that, but apparently he's a manwhore and would say porn.)**

**Roger: Have an "I'm sorry you got bumped down to third favorite" cookie. Still adorable.**

**Samneric: Heeey theeere People don't give you enough attention do they? They should. Shame on them. You're the best twinsies ever.**

**Simon: Y U SO INNOCENT?**

**What's a Bill? XD**

**(Bloody brilliant idea putting up all the letters in one chapter. Why didn't I think of that...? Oh right. Because I get bored if my chapter's over two pages long... Yeeeaaah... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! I LIKE THE CHARACTERIZATIONS YOU GIVE TEH BOIZ.)**

**-AzmariaHarmony**

**Jack**: *grinning* Jackie's adorable ;)

**Sam**: WOO WE'RE NOT ALONE ANY LONGER!

**Bill**: *looks like he's completely exhausted* Babysitting twinsies is tiring.

**Eric**: *laughs* Oh, Lamp...

**Ralph**: Lamp?

**Jack**: *sighs* They're convinced that Bill is a magic lamp.

**Ralph**: Oh...okay...

**Sam**: The Magic Lamp helped us answer the unanswerable.

**Eric**: Yeah!

**Sam**: So suck it Jack!

**Roger**: Naughty twin...

**Piggy**: HEY GUYS-

**Roger**: We already know you're gonna say that we have letters to answer. So let's just get to it. Ralph, you're up.

**Ralph**: Alrighty. *reads letter* Uh...I...thanks, I guess. I mean...I'm glad I'd be the dude in the relationship...but uh...awkward.

**Roger**: Knew it.

**Jack**: WHAT IS THIS MOCKERY? I WOULD NOT BE THE WIFEY! I DO NOT HAVE MOOD SWINGS!

**Ralph**: You kind of just did.

**Jack**: WHAT? I DID NOT!

**Roger**: Hey Jack, here's a cookie.

**Jack**: Aw, thanks Roger! You're such a nice guy!

**Roger**: ...see, mood swing right there, ol 'Chiefy.

**Jack**: I...what...YOU DECEIVED ME.

**Roger**: Oh geez, someone better arrest me! *Sarcastic*

**Ralph**: I'm just glad someone has finally recognized that I'm more dudeish than Jack.

**Jack**: You are not!

**Maurice**: *to Roger* Hey...*whispers* have you noticed that neither one of them have denied it yet? They're just arguing about who'd be the guy in the relationship.

**Roger**: *sniggers and whispers back* I know...

**Ralph**: I WOULD BE THE DUDE. SHE EVEN SAID SO HERSELF.

**Jack**: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PLAYED MOMMY ON THE ISLAND.

**Ralph**: ME? I WASN'T MOMMY. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SO OBSESSED WITH BEING IN THE KITCHEN COOKING MEAT.

**Roger**: Ouch, burnnnn.

**Maurice**: he's got you there, Jack!

**Jack**: *blushing profusely* I...I...DAMN YOU, YOU WHORE!

**Ralph**: I'D RATHER BE A WHORE THAN HAVE NO SOUL.

**Sam**: What an awkward statement.

**Eric**: Indeed. What do you think, Magic Lamp?

**Bill**: *facepalms self* Oh my god...

**Simon**: Hey guys! Let's change the topic! Hey Maurice, she left you a letter!

**Maurice**: *looks up* She...she did?

**Simon: **Yeah, it's a good one, too!

**Roger**: Oh dear...

**Maurice**: I AM LOVED.

**Jack**: Looks like your fangirls are growing. Check it out. *throws letter to Maurice*

**Maurice**: *reads* Oh my GOD.

**Ralph**: What does it say?

**Roger**: *sniggers* probably that he's a-

**Maurice**: I REPLACED ROGER AS HER FAVORITE.

**Roger**: *drops miscellaneous cup of tea and gapes* WHAT!

**Maurice**: I BEAT ROGER!

**Roger**: whawhawhawhaWHAT

**Maurice**: SHE DECLARED ME KING OF AWESOME.

**Jack**: oh dear lord...

**Maurice**: I NOW IZ CHIEF OF ISLAND.

**Ralph**: What? NO!

**Roger**: *still puzzled* But I'm sadistic...

**Maurice**: I BE DA COOLEZT KID ON DA BLOCK.

**Bill**: Oh my..

**Maurice**: *stands up with random cape and crown* ALL YU HAIL BEFORE MEH. I AM DA KING OF AWEZOME.

**Simon**: *claps* Yay Maurice!

**Maurice**: I AM FINALLY DA BEST.

**Roger**: Why...WHY!

**Jack**: You suck Roger.

**Roger**: She picked Maurice over all of US!

**Maurice**: I MAKE COOKIEZ AND GIVE THEM TO YU.

**Roger**: Suck up!

**Jack**: Yo, yo, yo! Maurice, look man, I'm happy for you, but it's MY TURN.

**Maurice**: ...it's always your turn.

**Ralph**: Seriously.

**Jack**: Shut up, you're just jealous because she called me SEXY...AGAIN.

**Sam**: And she wants to know...

**Eric**: ...what you like to watch on telly.

**Jack**: Hmm...I like to watch the orchestras or operas if they're on. Now, for your modern age, I'd have to say my favorite show would be Breaking Bad. That shit is good.

**Maurice**: No way! Spongebob Squarepants is the top shit!

**Roger**: I prefer Dexter. *makes creepy face* I can relate.

**Ralph**: ...I'M NOT A MANWHORE :'(

**Jack**: HA SHE AGREES WITH ME!

**Maurice**: Ralph...you watch PORN!

**Sam**: Naughty,

**Eric**: -naughty!

**Ralph**: I DO NOT WATCH PORN! Why does everyone think I'm such a slut?

**Roger**: Because you are. *sips random tea*

**Ralph**: I'm not!

**Simon: **Wait, what's porn? Isn't that a place where you can sell your old stuff?

**Roger**: *shakes head and sighs* No, Simon. My god. That's **pawn**. Not porn.

**Simon: **Is there a difference?

**Jack**: Remember that talk I gave you a few days ago?

**Simon: ***shudders* That was horrible. I'm glad I'll never hit puberty after that talk.

**Jack**: yeah, well, porn is that on a video tape.

**Simon**: ...why would ANYONE...that's...that's...

**Roger**: Yeah, and your bud Ralph likes it.

**Ralph**: I DO NOT WATCH THAT. I LIKE WATCHING FOOTBALL AND CRICKET. Geez.

**Roger**: Right. Football and cricket.

**Maurice**: Hey Roger!

**Roger**: What?

**Maurice**: Here's a cookie *passes cookie* It's from AzmariaHarmony. It's called a "I'm sorry you got bumped down to third favorite" cookie. *looks at cookie* I've never had that flavor before, but I'm sure it's nice.

**Roger**: *dips cookie in tea and scowls* Whatever. I'm still the best.

**Maurice**: She still thinks you're adorable!

**Roger**: Shut up, Maurice.

**Maurice**: Is the cookie good?

**Roger**: SHUT UP MAURICE YOU RETARDED SHRIMP.

**Maurice**: I'm not a shrimp. I'm taller than you!

**Roger**: *sighs in dismay* My god...

**Piggy**: Hey! Samneric actually have a question this time!

**Sam**: We...

**Eric**: ...do?

**Sam: ***looks at Eric excitedly* I BET IT'S ABOUT OUR LAMP.

**Bill**: I'M NOT A LAMP.

**Eric**: I agree with her! Nobody pays us any attention!

**Sam**: Except the Lamp, of course.

**Jack**: *snickers* Right. The Lamp.

**Sam**: *glares* You'll see, Jack. You'll all see one day that the Lamp really DOES exist!

**Eric**: You know what?

**Sam**: What?

**Eric**: WE ARE THE BEST TWINSIES EVER.

**Sam**: YEAH. WE ARE.

**Eric**: NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.

**Roger**: I can.

**Sam**: BESIDES ROGER, NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.

**Eric**: WE ARE THE BEST TWINSIES OUT THERE.

**Sam**: EVER.

**Eric**: IN ALL ETERNITY.

**Sam**: Thanks for the compliment! We're feeling pretty inspired now!

**Eric**: BEST TWINSIES - oh, we've is all.

**Jack**: ...k.

**Maurice**: YO SIMON

**Simon**: What?

**Maurice**: WHY YU SO INNOCENT!

**Simon**: Huh?

**Maurice**: It's the question for you!

**Simon**: Oh...OH...Well, hi there! I guess I'm innocent because...well...I'm pretty young, and I was never really interested in that kind of stuff. I would rather read a book or go outside and wander around aimlessly for hours. I'm still not quite sure at what I'm innocent of...

**Maurice**: Life in general.

**Simon**: Oh...

**Roger**: Give him some credit, he was mauled to death by his so-called friends. He's lived a greater life than you, dipshit.

**Jack**: That was the first nice thing I've ever heard you say.

**Roger**: Hey, I called Maurice a 'dipshit'. That's not nice.

**Simon**: But you complimented me! ...kind of...Thanks, Roger!

**Roger**: Oh fuck it.

**Sam**: Hey, her next question is quite puzzling.

**Eric**: What is a Bill?

**Bill**: I'M A BILL!

**Sam**: No, silly. You're a magic lamp.

**Eric**: I feel like the word Bill is familiar.

**Ralph**: You have a friend named Bill.

**Sam**: We do?

**Ralph**: You've forgotten Bill? HOW? It's been like two days!

**Eric**: Who's Bill?

**Sam**: No, Eric - WHAT IS A BILL?

**Bill**: ME! I'M A BILL!

**Eric**: NO LAMP! YOU ARE A LAMP!

**Bill**: Forget it. I give up.

**A/N** Thank you for your kind words. Means a lot! :) But seriously guys, what is a Bill.

OH! Simon has a question for you all:

_Why do all of you think that Ralph and Jack have a thing going on?_

He's a curious, innocent child. Poor, poor thing. :'


	13. NOT MEH 1 DIRECTION!

**Ah you boys sure know how to make life a party! I love each and every single on of you, so because I love you all so much, I have decided to ask some questions, if you don't mind! First off, Jack I noticed that in the 1960's movie you had a VERY nice back structure. Tell me: how do you manage to pull that sexiness off? Roger, if you could use those psychopathic hands of yours to kill/injure/do WHATEVER YOU WANT VIOLENTLY to anyone that wasn't on the island (like in the media, perhaps?), who would it be (and how would you kill em? ;D), Piggy (er, Nathaniel) what kind of candy was your favorite in your Auntie's shop? I wonder if Samneric watch Ouran High School Host Club and notice the twins...? OH AND BEFORE I GO Jack and Ralph...;D I want you to know that I support you guys heavily (if you know what I mean ;) so I wonder what expressions you guys would make if you read some of the fanfiction on here...anyways, thanks for listening! :D (P.S. Jack you're my favorite character).**

**-ILOVEYOUMAN**

**Maurice**: I love you too, man.

**Jack**: ...I don't even know anymore.

**Roger**: Yes, yes we do know how to make life a party. *makes creepy face*

**Maurice**: We had a party?

**Jack**: E'ry day, boi.

**Ralph**: I guess you could call us fighting and arguing over who has the most fangirls a party.

**Roger**: Who wouldn't?

**Ralph**: Oh shut up you git.

**Maurice**: WE ARE ALL LOVED EQUALLY BY ILOVEYOUMAN.

**Roger**: Damn you, Maurice! SHUT UP!

**Jack**: I...I don't like equality. *eye twitches* I like...I like me.

**Roger**: Aw, it's okay, Jack. Ralph likes you too.

**Ralph**: I DO NOT LIKE JACK!

**Maurice**: He'll come around, Jack. *pats Jack's arm affectionately*

**Jack**: I...I...oh forget it.

**Sam**: Hey Jack! I bet some questions-

**Eric**: -and compliments-

**Sam**: -will cheer you up!

**Jack**: I suppose. Bring on the questions.

**Simon: **Yay!

**Jack**: Well...thank you! *smiles widely* I guess I did have a pretty hot back structure in the 1960's movie. God, I am such a handsome devil. Honestly, there is no trick to my sexiness. I'm just naturally sexy - in both of the movies, of course, because my entire being is always sexy.

**Piggy**: ...he shaves his legs, for starters.

**Jack**: OHMYGOD FATTY YOU BUG WILL YOU BELT UP ABOUT THAT! Yes, SO BLOODY WHAT. I SHAVE MY FREAKING LEGS. BIG DEAL. THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY BACK STRUCTURE WHICH IS OF DIVINE AMAZINGNESS.

**Maurice**: Do you see a chiropractor or something? Maybe that's why it's so perfect...

**Jack**: NO MAURICE, I DO NOT. I'm just sexy. End of story.

**Simon**: But you do shave your legs, right?

**Jack**. ...just...just go away.

**Simon**: *sighs* Oh well. Roger's up next anyway.

**Maurice**: TAKE IT AWAY, ROGER!

**Roger**: *reads letter and smiles contentedly* I really am liking all these wonderful requests. First there was to eliminate Hot Babe-

**Jack**: Babeh. She went by Hot Babeh.

**Roger**: Right. Whatever. And now this splendid idea. Although I'm not psychopathic. I'm creative. That is all. Now, for your request...someone who wasn't on the island...

**Maurice**: Plz say Justin Biebah.

**Roger**: *snorts* We already discussed him. I think I'm gonna have to go with One Direction. The whole freaking lot of them.

**Maurice**: *sniffles* NOT MY ONE DIRECTION!

**Roger**: *stares for a moment*

**Jack**: I'm not sure whether to laugh at Maurice or get him counseling.

**Ralph**: Get him counseling. Now.

**Roger**: ...okay. Anyway, they're really annoying, and the way they try to top other classic bands...just...just jump off a cliff. Seriously. Nobody likes you except Maurice, and he doesn't count. Not really, anyway.

**Maurice**: HURTFUL!

**Roger**: Now, on the matter of how it would be done...I'm gonna have to go with boulders, because boulders are the most efficient, of course.

**Boulder**: Why thank you, Roger.

**Piggy**: ...mehhhh.

**Boulder**: Why hello, old friend!

**Piggy**: ...MEHMEH.

**Roger**: ...yep. It would be a gruesome job, just the kind of thing for me to do ;D

**Piggy**: ERMAGERD, I was addressed by my real name! Yes, HI, I'm Nathaniel! THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME THAT!

**Jack**: YOUR NAME IS PIGGY, FATTY.

**Roger**: YEAH!

**Piggy**: Well, today I'm Nathaniel! That's what my Auntie called me. Now, on the subject of my Auntie's shop...I liked the butterscotch candies the most. They were the best.

**Roger**: *yawns* No one cares.

**Piggy**: OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE DOES!

**Roger**: Please just...uh...ugh.

**Sam**: WHAT IS THIS?

**Eric**: ANOTHER QUESTION-

**Sam**: FOR US?

**Eric**: OUR LAMP MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS!

**Bill**: I AM NOT A LAMP.

**Sam**: *laughs* Oh Lamp, you're so funny!

**Eric**: Silly Lamp. Anyways, Sam, have you heard of the Ouran High School Host Club?

**Sam**: No...but Piggy can look it up.

**Piggy**: *cracks knuckles* Already on it.

**Everyone**: *waits*

**Maurice**: *sniffles*

**Roger**: *glares*

**Piggy**: GOT IT! Okay, so I think the reference is being made towards the twins named Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin. They look like this. *passes computer*

**Sam**: *looks* Hmmm...I can see the similarities.

**Eric**: GOT THE HAIR FLIP MESSED UP :(

**Piggy**: *takes computer back* Anyways, they're referred to as being mischievous and devilish, and also display...er...

**Sam**: Display what?

**Eric**: I'm not devilish :(

**Piggy**: ...they display...er...forbidden brotherly love.

**Sam**: Huh?

**Jack**: Suggestive behaviors, Sam. That's what he means.

**Eric**: *gasps* WHHHHAAAAAAATTT

**Sam**: I do love Eric, but not like...like that.

**Eric**: *shudders* Uck. Grossie.

**Roger**: That's worse than Jalph.

**Maurice**: Or Rock.

**Roger**: Rock?

**Maurice**: Roger and Jack! Rock.

**Roger**: *thinks* Well, I do like rocks...

**Jack**: ROGER! ROGER HOW COULD YOU!

**Roger**: Well do you prefer ROCK or JALPH, huh!

**Bill**: Not cool.

**Maurice**: Awko taco.

**Piggy**: Back on track, guys...

**Sam**: *clears throat* I mean, I guess we're kind of like them, minus the brotherly extreme love part...

**Eric**: And I flip my hair differently!

**Sam**: Oh my gosh, you and your hair...

**Jack**: YOU AND YOUR FIRE!

**Ralph**: HEY!

**Jack**: Sorry. Random flashback.

**Ralph**: Meanie butt.

**Piggy**: This whole thing feels childish.

**Ralph** Smeh.

**Maurice**: HEY! Speaking of Rock and Jalph, check out the next question!

**Ralph: **Oh brother...

**Jack**: MORE? WHY!

**Roger**: Rock is better.

**Jack**: ARE YOU INTO ME!

**Roger**: NO! I just prefer the name Rock over Jalph.

**Simon**: Rock? That suits you, Roger!

**Roger**: *smiles creepily* I know ;)

**Jack**: Oh my god..

**Maurice**: Welp, according to the letter, you are supported heavily.

**Jack**: We are?

**Ralph**: BUT WE DON'T EVEN GET ALONG!

**Maurice:** Now the question is, what do you think of the Jalph fanfics?

**Roger**: Your expressions, to be precise.

**Ralph**: *sighs* Well, we've all read them under the influence of Maurice. *glares*

**Maurice**: Hey, hey! I'm just doing my job at being interesting.

**Jack**: *flicks hair* Actually, I didn't mind most of them, because usually Ralph cried and I was way more strong and sexy and cool and he sucked.

**Maurice**: ...heh.

**Jack**: *realizes* NO NOT LIKE THAT! I meant that figuratively!

**Roger**: Suuuuuuuree.

**Ralph**: *blushes* This is..this isn't...

**Bill**: Cool?

**Ralph**: ...yeah.

**Jack**: I meant that he was weak and stupid and girly.

**Ralph**: SHUT UP!

**Jack**: See! You are the wifey!

**Ralph**: I AM NOT!

**Jack**: According to all of the fics, you are!

**Ralph**: NO, NO!

**Maurice**: *to audience* If you were wondering, their expressions are frustrated and somewhat flushed. It's comical.

**Roger**: Seriously.

**Ralph**: Okay, well the fics that I've read paint me out to be the wise, respected sexy beast, and you come crawling to me because you screw everything else up.

**Jack**: WRONG! THAT IS WRONG! I'm the sexy beast.

**Roger**: WAIT JACK! Look there's more!

**Jack**: Fanfics?

**Roger**: Well yes, but I meant more of the letter!

**Jack**: So there is! HEY HEY I'M HER FAVORITE! I WIIINNNN!

**Maurice**: LET'S TALLY!

**Roger**: HOW ABOUT NOT.

**Maurice**: Awh man..

**Ralph**: Hey Maurice, I heard you're writing your own book.

**Maurice**: *grinning* YEAH. IT'S ABOUT ME AND ROGER.

**Roger**: *spits out random tea* WHAT. You never had my consent to write a book about me!

**Jack**: What happens?

**Maurice**: ROGER AND I GET STUCK ON AN ISLAND TOGETHER.

**Ralph**: *laughs hysterically*

**Roger**: .god.

**Maurice**: It's called Lord of the Maurice.

**Roger**: Idiot.

**Jack**: Lord of the Maurice? What the...

**Sam**: Is our lamp-

**Eric**: -in it by any chance?

**Maurice**: No. Sorry.

**Simon**: That's really cool Maurice! You should be proud!

**Maurice**: *proud* WELL THANKS:D

**Roger**: I still can't believe this...

**Maurice**: Well, you better, because it's true!

**Piggy**: We better go...

**Sam**: WE ALWAYS-

**Eric**: -HAVE TO GO ACCORDING TO YOU, PIGGY.

**Piggy**: *shrugs* Well it is!

**Roger**: *miffed* I am royally pissed.

**Piggy**: Whatever. Alright, people, bye!

**A/N**: Catch Maurice's new story, _Lord of the Maurice_, right here on ! He truly is brilliant, and he's captured the essence of himself in this...er...interesting story.

Also, after this conversation was recorded, Roger slammed Maurice's head into a locker and threatened to take away his new One Direction CD if he continued his story.

Maurice ignored him and will be continuing his story, although he sacrificed his CD. It's alright. Ralph promised to steal it back for him. :


	14. Germs and Lamps and Ralph OH MY!

**Hi guys! You are all hilarious and freaking awesome. As much as I think Simon, Sam and Eric are all adorable, my favorite is Ralph. You're just so sexy and adorable! Especially in the movies! Even if Jack thinks you're a slut :) I'm still a loyal fangirl. Now I have four major questions for you all.. What was you're initial reaction to seeing the men there to rescue you? (Happy, sad, shocked) Was it hard to go back to living your normal lives afterwards? I've read a lot of girl-on-the-island fics and wondered, what WOULD you have done if a girl was there? And finally (I know it's a lot lol) if you could do it all over again, with Simon and Piggy alive, what would you change, if anything? Love you all! (Especially Ralph 3 ;)**

**-Em13Em**

**Jack**: WHAT IS THIS MOCKERY?

**Roger**: Ralph? Gross. He has germs.

**Ralph: ***sighs at Roger's incompetence* You have germs too, Roger...

**Roger:** Not like yours...

**Sam**: Aw, thanks!

**Eric**: We are pretty adorable...

**Sam**: ...plus Simon.

**Eric**: ...even though

**Sam**: ...he's not...

**Eric**: ...a twin.

**Simon**: Right guys...But anyways, thanks!:) And that's okay, Ralph's a great person!

**Ralph**: Thank you, Simon. I'm glad that people are FINALLY realizing that I'm better than Roger and Jack.

**Roger**: Shut up. We still have more fangirls than you.

**Ralph: **Bullocks.

**Jack**: It's true. We do. You suck.

**Maurice**: *cracks up* Oh my god, Jack, you really have to stop saying that to Ralph on account of the current assumptions...

**Jack**: DAMN YOU, MAURICE. SHUT UP.

**Ralph**: Hey...she thinks I'm sexy. *flexes* I am pretty sexy.

**Jack**: *pouting* I'm sexier!

**Ralph**: And she thinks I'm adorable too! *makes AHDORABLE grin*

**Jack**: *looks sad* I CAN BE ADORABLE TOO!

**Ralph**: And I was sexy and adorable ESPECIALLY in the movies!

**Jack**: *defeated* BUT I HAD A NICE BACK STRUCTURE!

**Maurice**: OOOH! Don't let me forget to get your chiropractor's name! You do have a nice back structure!

**Jack**: *seething* MAURICE SHUT UP YOU PINEAPPLE.

**Sam**: ALWAYS PINEAPPLES-

**Eric**: -RIGHT, JACK? NEVER ORANGES.

**Sam**: JUST PINEAPPLES.

**Jack**: Right...

**Bill**: At least she admits that you think he's a slut, bruh bruh.

**Sam**: LAMP! NAUGHTY LANGUAGE!

**Bill**: I'M NOT A LAMP!

**Jack**: HELL YEAH I THINK HE'S A SLUT. A SLUTTY SLUT SLUTTY. And geesh, you must be a loyal fangirl because he is a SLUUUTTTTT!

**Ralph**: Don't listen to him. I'm not a slut.

**Roger**: He is.

**Ralph**: I'm not.

**Roger**: You are. Right, Boulder?

**Boulder**: Such a slut.

**Ralph**: Since when did we start including Boulder in this?

**Piggy: **AND HOW IS THAT BOULDER SPEAKING? IT IS A ROCK.

**Maurice**: No, Piggy. Rock is Jack and Roger put together. Boulder is a boulder.

**Sam**: Just like Lamp-

**Eric**: -is a lamp.

**Bill**: I AM NOT A-

**Piggy**: Watevs. You lost your cool.

**Simon**: Mhm! You tell him! *sassy*

**Roger**: A little sassy today, aren't we Simon?

**Jack**: Sassy Simon and Loosey Legs Ralph.

**Ralph**: ...And Soulless Jack.

**Roger**: And Ravishing Handsome Roger.

**Jack**: HA right. Now, she has questions for EVERYONE. Not just Slutty Slut.

**Ralph**: I have a name..

**Jack**: Yeah yeah. First, what was our initial reactions to seeing the dude there to rescue us? Slut, you go first.

**Ralph**: SERIOUSLY STOP JACK. And okay, fine. *sighs* I was overwhelmed-

**Roger**: He cried. *sniggers*

**Ralph**: Well yeah, because if those men hadn't of shown up, you guys would've killed me.

**Maurice**: Roger wanted to put your head on a stick!

**Roger**: I think it would've complemented my boulder.

**Boulder**: His eyes totes match my shade of igneous rock.

**Ralph**: ...I am extremely creeped out. But yeah, it was great, because it literally saved my life. LITERALLY.

**Jack**: Okaaaaay. That was boring. Roger, you next.

**Roger**: I was actually disappointed because back here at home, i can't really be myself, if you know what I mean. *nonchalantly sips tea* Back on the island, I was like...ROGER...and here I'm just like...roger...

**Maurice**: wut.

**Roger**: I CAN'T EXACTLY THROW ROCKS AT PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF LONDON.

**Maurice**: Tru dat. You'd be arrested.

**Roger**: *ignoring Maurice* I was also upset that those men showed up because I never got to put Ralph's head on a stick, and I was really looking forward to that.

**Ralph**: ...thanks?

**Roger**: Just saying. Your head would've gone great with my boulder.

**Boulder**: Totes.

**Ralph**: OMG.

**Maurice**: I'LL GO NEXT.

**Jack**: *sighs* Fine.

**Maurice**: I WAS SUPER EXCITED BECAUSE WHEN WE GOT ON THE SHIP, THEY HAD COOKIES. When I first saw the guy on the beach, I thought I was hallucinating because I do that sometimes.

**Roger**: Bad trip?

**Maurice**: No, Roger. Everything is always melodramatic with you...

**Roger**: Yep. Pretty much.

**Jack**: I, for one, agree with Roger. It sucked being rescued because now I can't be a chief of anything and I forever will have to live on knowing that Ralph's alive.

**Ralph**: What is this? 'Let's make Ralph feel like the next victim on CSI?'

**Sam: **I was happy to see the men-

**Eric**: -because it meant-

**Sam**: -that Ralph-

**Eric**: -and most likely us-

**Sam** -WOULD LIVE :D

**Ralph**: Thank you, guys! At least someone wanted me alive.

**Bill**: I just thought it was cool ,bruh bruh. That man's pants were really stylish.

**Sam**: LAMP, YOU WERE NOT THERE.

**Eric**: YOU DO NOT KNOW.

**Bill**: I WAS THERE.

**Sam**: *tattle-telling* JAAAACCCKK! Lamp is doing drugs because he thinks he was on the island with us!

**Jack**: He's not a lamp, Sam. He's Bill.

**Eric**: What's a Bill?

**Sam**: We've already had this discussion. It's nothing important.

**Piggy**: MOVING ON, PEEPS. Question: Was it hard going back to our normal lives?

**Roger**: Ohhhh yes. It was horrible.

**Jack**: I agree. Three times my mum caught me outside running around the pool screaming KILL THE PIG, CUT ITS THROAT...She sent me to a psychologist.

**Sam**: It was alright-

**Eric**: -but still-

**Sam**: -we have nightmares.

**Piggy**: There's a few after-the-island fics which depict our struggle...er, their struggle, meaning those who lived...after getting back from the island.

**Roger**: Being a sadist in society isn't easy, lemme tell you that.

**Maurice**: That should be a T-shirt logo.

**Roger**: *throws glare*

**Maurice**: *backs away*

**Ralph**: I still have nightmares. It was difficult, mostly because every time I would play rugby and someone would go to tackle me, I'd freak out and run away screaming something about spears and conches.

**Jack**: Whadda freak.

**Roger**: *shakes head* Ralph, you dimwitted, daft bug..

**Maurice**: IT WAS EASY FOR ME, BECAUSE I FIT IN WHEREVER I GO:D

**Jack**: ...I'm convinced that Maurice is not a human.

**Roger**: He's a ferret.

**Maurice**: A ferret?

**Roger**: Yep. *sips tea* ferret.

**Maurice**: *thinks for a moment* At least I'd be a SEXY FERRET.

**Jack**: Not really. But watevs. What's next, Simooooonnnnnnn?

**Simon**: *gulps and blushes* Er...what would we have done if there had been a..._girl_ on the island.

**Jack**: GIRL?

**Roger**: Ralph would've slutted around with her. Duh.

**Ralph**: I would not! I would've been respectful just like an English gentleman should.

**Jack**: *snorts* As if, Mr. Done-It-Twenty-Million-Fucking-Times.

**Ralph**: *flushes* NOT TRUE!

**Roger**: A girl on the island would've been entertaining purely because it would've been someone new to torture. Not like that, in case you have a perverted mind like Maurice. I just like to torture people in general. Samneric will testify this.

**Sam**: He does.

**Eric**: He can't help it.

**Roger**: Pfft. Right.

**Ralph**: You would not have tortured her! I wouldn't have let you!

**Jack**: See, there he goes getting defensive over an imaginary girl...

**Maurice**: She's not real, Ralph!

**Ralph**: But if she WAS real, I would've done EVERYTHING in my power to make sure she stayed away from YOU crazy people.

**Jack**: Dawh, how polite is he...*snorts* Obviously, if there had been a chick on the island, she would've liked me. Why? Because I'm the sexiest one. And I was also the hunter. That's about as sexy as it gets.

**Ralph**: Some hunter...

**Piggy**: Seriously. You did a FANTASTIC job at hunting Simon!

**Simon**: I don't like how you put that...

**Jack**: I DID NOT HUNT SIMON. IT WAS ACCIDENT.

**Piggy**: *rolls eyes* Personally, if there had been a lady on the island, I would've done exactly what Ralph said he would do.

**Roger**: have sex with her?

**Jack**: High expectations, Piggy.

**Piggy**: NO YOU IDIOTS. Protect her from you hungry, savage beings!

**Maurice**: I am kind of hungry...

**Jack**: SHUT UP FATTY.

**Maurice**: JACK! I'm not a fatty!

**Jack**: *sighs* No, Maurice. I meant Piggy. Like I always do.

**Maurice**: Oh. *smiles* If there had been a girl, I would've taught her how to swim and then made seashell necklaces with her because I like making art.

**Roger**: wut.

**Simon**: Maurice, that's so sweet! I would've just been her friend.

**Sam**: Us-

**Eric**: -too!

**Bill**: I would've-

**Sam**: LAMP! You're a Lamp! Lamps can't interact with GIRLS!

**Eric**: Yeah, Lamp! Plus, you weren't even there!

**Bill**: Forrrrget it. Twinsies are set on me being a lamp.

**Jack**: He's not a lamp.

**Sam**: *deadly glare* He's a lamp.

**Jack**: *kind of creeped out* Fine. Geesh.

**Piggy**: Next one is good.

**Roger**: What is it?

**Piggy**: If we could do it all over again, with Si and I alive, what would you all change?

**Roger**: I would have taken over the tribe myself. Both Jack and Ralph suck at it.

**Jack**: WHHHAAAAATTTT? I PUT YOU IN AS SECOND IN COMMAND!

**Roger**: Yeah. And I did fucking good job at it.

**Maurice**: He did. T'is true.

**Roger**: *nods promptly*

**Jack**: Well then...Considering Roger's answer, I think I would've made Maurice my second in command instead!

**Roger**: *spits out tea* WHAT?

**Maurice**: WOOOO I AM AWESOME AGAINZ.

**Jack**: That's right. Maurice.

**Roger**: THAT'S...er...TRIBAL SUICIDE?

**Jack**: What?

**Ralph**: Instead of social suicide...

**Jack**: OH! *looks back at Roger* WELL SUCK IT.

**Maurice**: *giggles* ROCK! *giggles*

**Roger**: What?

**Sam**: ROCK!

**Jack**: *catches on* Oh my god...

**Eric**: Bye bye Jalph!

**Maurice**: ROCK! ROCK! ROCK!

**Jack**: I didn't mean for him to LITERALLY suck it!

**Roger**:*glares* You're making this ten times worse, Jack. Just shut up before I decide to throw a boulder at your head.

**Maurice**: If I could've changed anything on the island, I would've stayed with Ralph.

**Jack**: WHAT! BUT I JUST NAMED YOU AS MY NEW SECOND IN COMMAND!

**Roger**: Our alliance is weakened...*smiles at Jack* SUCKS TO SUCK.

**Maurice**: That's right. I like Ralph better. Actually, I don't know why I joined you anyway.

**Ralph**: Maurice, you my friend just became my new favorite person.

**Maurice**: YAY MAURIZ!

**Sam**: WOO-

**Eric**: -HOO!

**Ralph**: If I could've changed anything, I would've let Piggy be chief.

**Jack**: WHHHAAAT!

**Roger**: This session is full of what's from Jack. He is being whatted out.

**Piggy**: REALLY?

**Ralph**: Yep!

**Jack**: WHY? ARE YOU MAD?

**Ralph**: He was better fitted for it.

**Piggy**: *grins* Aw, Ralph!

**Maurice**: GROUP HUG! GROUP HUG!

**Roger**: NOOOO! *is smushed as Maurice hugs him* UGH! MAURICE GERMS!

**Ralph**: LOL!

**Roger**: *pulls away in fear and swaths self in hand sanitizer* YOU ARE DISGUSTING.

**Bill**: Are you a germophobe or what?

**Roger**: *glares* At least I'm not a lamp.

**Sam**: *laughs* He's got you there Lamp-

**Eric**: -Because you are a lamp.

**Bill**: *gradually accepts his fate of furnitude (made that up)* Okay...

**Jack**: I suppose now would be a good time to get back to classes.

**Maurice**: *goes to touch Roger*

**Roger**: Don't you dare you germ-riddled cretin.

**Jack**: *sighs* and even though Ralph was, for whatever stupid reason, the loved one today...

**Ralph**: *in distance* LOVE YOU TOO, EM13EM!

**Jack**: *mildly annoyed at being interrupted* I am still the greatest chief of all. There. The end.

**A/N**: Boulder will now be accepting questions. Why? Because Boulder is Roger's BFF, and we need Roger's BFF in this. Jack felt very misunderstood during this chapter, probably because Ralph was in the spotlight. Woo hoo ;P Thanks for your reviews! :


	15. Piggy Pwned

**Hello everyone! I have a few more questions. Are you ready?**

**Piggy (or should I say Nathaniel)- Who do you hate most on the island and why? (besides Roger, because he killed you, and that would be a cop-out answer.)**

**Roger- What do you think of Roger/Eric slash? Also, what is it with you and rocks?**

**Jack- What would you do if someone walked up to you and yelled "GINGERS DON'T HAVE SOULS!"?**

**Maurice- What do you really think of everyone on the island? **

**Simon- Who do you hate the most on the island? Or, if not hate, than strongly dislike?**

**Bill- Same question as Simon.**

**Sam- What's your favorite kind of cookie?**

**Eric- What do you think of Roger/Eric slash? Also, Do you ever wish it was Ericnsam, not Samneric?**

**Ralph- DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU THE ANSWER! Why do we need a fire?**

**Sorry if I forgot anyone, I love you all, especially Roger! Actually, I don't really like Ralph or Piggy so I amend my statement. I love all of you except for Ralph and Piggy, and I am still a Roger fan-girl!**

**-Painting Politics and Poland**

**Maurice**: HELLO AGAIN!

**Roger**: *flips hair dramatically* Maurice...

**Maurice**: Yes? *waits for answer and turns away* WE ARE READY FOR QUESTIONS.

**Sam**: Oooh, questions!

**Eric**: I love questions!

**Piggy**: AND I GOT THE FIRST QUESTION!

**Jack**: What kind of world do we live in when Piggy actually gets a question...

**Roger: ***sips on random tea* I feel ya, Jack. I feel ya.

**Piggy**: *proudly* Once again, I have been referred to by my rightful name!

**Jack**: Piggy?

**Piggy**: No.

**Jack**: *thinks for a moment* Fatty?

**Piggy**: *sighs* No.

**Jack**: *thinks again and grins* Lardass?

**Piggy**: *exasperated* NO.

**Jack**: *puzzled* Then...what is it?

**Piggy**: NATHANIEL. WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS.

**Jack**: *blushes* SHUT UP...er...LARDASS.

**Roger**: Lardass. I like that.

**Piggy**: EH HEM. *waits for silence, adjusts glasses, and continues* Now, as for your question...who do I hate most on that island-

**Simon**: Hating people is wrong.

**Piggy**: Your deep and spiritual maturity is not appreciated at the moment. Besides Roger, because he's obviously number one...

**Roger**: Heh.

**Piggy: **I'm going to have to say Jack. Obviously.

**Jack**: *astounded* ME? WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?

**Piggy**: Shall I list your offenses? Alright. Here goes it. First, you never bothered to learn my real name...in fact, you _still_ haven't learned my real name-

**Jack**: RALPH STARTED IT.

**Ralph**: HEY!

**Piggy**: -you just called me Lardass, Jack.

**Jack**: ...

**Piggy**: Mhm. Secondly, you broke, stole, and violated my glasses.

**Jack**: WE NEEDED-

**Ralph**: DON'T YOU DARE SAY FIRE. That is my line.

**Jack**: Shut up.

**Piggy**: That's what I thought. You were the troublemaker in the tribe. Without your constant rebellious activities, boys like Roger would've never rebelled, and I'd be alive. Therefore, Roger's faults are partly the blame of you.

**Jack**: THAT'S NOT FAIR TO SAY-

**Piggy**: You were too obsessed with finding a pig to help out at camp. You disregarded and disrespected the conch. You're a ginger. You tried to kill Ralph. You _did_ kill Simon. You are a thief, and quite frankly, I've never heard you sing C sharp, so I have my doubts that you can even do it.

**Everyone**: *stares*

**Piggy**: *fixes glasses again*

**Bill**: Woah.

**Maurice**: Jack just got served...

**Roger**: ...by Piggy.

**Jack**: *pale and speechless* I...I...I CAN SO SING C SHARP.

**Piggy**: I'm sure.

**Maurice**: BURNNN!

**Jack**: And it wasn't _all_ my fault! Roger and Maurice did just as much damage as me!

**Piggy**: Not necessarily. They were just following you.

**Roger**: Are you saying I'm innocent?

**Piggy**: *shrugs* Maybe.

**Roger**: Wow. Never saw that one coming.

**Jack**: I...I...I...

**Piggy**: Who's next?

**Ralph**: Roger. *stares at Piggy like he's suddenly Albert Einstein*

**Everyone**: *also stares at Piggy like he's suddenly Albert Einstein*

**Jack**: I...I...

**Piggy**: Alright. Roger, you're up.

**Roger**: Thanks, Sassy-Pants. Ooh, two questions. How very amusing. *takes sip of tea as he reads questions.* ...Roger and Eric pairings? *spits out tea* WHAT?

**Eric**: Huh?

**Sam**: *innocently looks confused* What?

**Ralph**: Ha, now you know how it feels.

**Roger**: SHUT UP I'M NOT A SLUT.

**Simon**: I believe you, Roger!

**Roger**: SHUT UP OR THEY'LL START ASKING ABOUT PAIRINGS BETWEEN US. Gosh. You're nice to a guy and suddenly people think you're sleeping with him.

**Ralph**: I know the feeling.

**Roger**: So, what do _I_ think of a pairing between Eric and the devilishly handsome me? I think that's messed up.

**Sam**: Pairing? between you and-

**Eric**: -_me_?

**Roger**: See, there are a few miscommunications going on, I think. On the island, I did torture Eric-

**Eric**: He did.

**Roger**: -but not like _that_. He was my toy, but not like _that_. I just liked stabbing him. *grins*.

**Boulder**: And contemplating throwing me on him.

**Roger**: Right.

**Jack**: *still rattled from Piggy* I...I...

**Roger**: Shut up, Jack. So, anyways, I mean, I suppose a pairing between Eric 'n I wouldn't be the _worst_ thing to cross the lines on fanfiction, but I could think of something better.

**Maurice**: *slightly interested* Like what?

**Roger**: Not you. Dumbbutt.

**Maurice**: I NEVER SAID ME!

**Roger**: Whatever. To answer, your second question about my favoritism towards rocks...AND NO NOT LIKE THAT KIND OF ROCK.

**Bill**: Huh?

**Simon**: He means, not the Jack-Roger pairings 'Rock'.

**Bill**: What?

**Simon**: Jack and Roger put together is 'Rock'.

**Bill**: Oh the irony.

**Maurice**: It's a bitch.

**Roger**: I like rocks - preferably boulders - because they're heavy, brutal, and fun. There.

**Boulder**: And I like Roger because he's human, brutal, and fun.

**Roger**: Oh you.

**Boulder**: Oh you!

**Maurice**: Wut.

**Piggy**: I still don't like Boulder.

**Maurice**: Geesh stop bullying people Piggy! First Jack and now Boulder - and he's new!

**Boulder**: YEAH.

**Piggy**: Whatevs.

**Simon**: Speaking of Jack, he's up next.

**Jack**: *thrown out of his sad daze* I'm what?

**Simon**: Your questions are next, silly!

**Jack**: Oh...oh *clears throat and acts cocky again* Well. *reads question* THIS FORUM HAS BEEN VERY DEPRECATING TO ME TODAY!

**Piggy**: Sorry.

**Jack**: If someone walked up to me and shouted 'Gingers have no souls!' - which happens very often, mind you - I'd walk straight up to them, knee 'em in the nuts, lean down and be all like 'Who has no soul now bitch'. *coolly* Yeaaaahhh ;)

**Roger**: What if it was a girl?

**Maurice**: You can't knee a girl, Jack!

**Ralph**: THAT'S IMPOLITE!

**Jack**: My god you guys. What kind of girl would say that?

**Ralph fangirl #1**: GINGERS HAVE NO SOULS.

**Jack**: ...I should've guessed.

**Ralph**: *high fives fangirl* WAY TO GO!

**Jack**: I feel pretty bad about myself now. All this gingers-have-no-souls stuff is exhausting. And besides - I'm not even a ginger!

**Maurice**: You have red hair, pale skin, and freckles.

**Roger**: You're a ginger.

**Jack**: I AM A STRAWBERRY BLONDE. Not a ginger. AND I'M NOT PALE. I'm delicately toned.

**Roger**: ...delicately toned?

**Maurice**: Oh I didn't know that you were a strawberry blonde! That changes everything!

**Sam**: Now you're a blonde-

**Eric**: -like Ralph! *smiles*

**Ralph**: I AM THE ONLY BLONDE HERE.

**Roger**: Blonde's are ditzy.

**Ralph&Jack**: WE ARE NOT!

**Roger**: JACK YOU ARE NOT A BLONDE!

**Jack**: Whatever. *flicks hair which is really red.*

**Bill**: Ginger denial.

**Maurice**: Hey guys.

**Everyone**: *leans in* What?

**Maurice**: I HAVE THE NEXT QUESTION I WAS NOT FORGOTTEN!

**Roger**: Oh god.

**Jack**: Shoot me.

**Maurice**: What do I think of everyone on the island? Hmmm...THEY ALL NEED TO LOOSEN UP AND HAVE SOME FUN!

**Jack**: Pretty sure that was my motto, Maurice.

**Maurice**: I MEAN LIKE GET A PINATA, MAKE A CAKE, AND VOILA, WITH A LITTLE ONE DIRECTION, WE COULD ALL BE HAVING UBER AMOUNTS OF FUN!

**Roger**: If this ever happens, someone kill me for the sake of my sanity. Please.

**Maurice**: And then, we could all go an adventure!

**Ralph**: I hate adventures.

**Maurice**: WELL ADVENTURES HATE YOU.

**Ralph**: *hurt* Adventures don't have to be that mean. I was just a little angry.

**Adventures**: Then you should mind your mouth, blondie.

**Ralph**: HEY-

**Boulder**: Shh. Everyone shh.

**Piggy**: You are a boulder. You don't know what you're saying.

**Boulder**: Shh. Shh, fat one.

**Maurice**: K. Anyway, I think that Ralph worries way too much over fire. HE SERIOUSLY JUST NEEDS TO TRUST FATE AND DESTINY AND EVERYTHING WILL BE A-OK.

**Ralph**: WE NEED FIRE!

**Maurice**: ...see?

**Bill**: Gotta chill, bro.

**Sam:** The Lamp said it.

**Maurice**: Jack was too concerned about meat, when he should've worried more about getting sunburned! *catches everyone's weird expressions* What?

**Jack**: Sunburned? Really?

**Maurice**: YES! *matter-of-factly* SUNBURNS CAN CAUSE SKIN CANCER. Some pretty serious stuff right there.

**Jack**: Meat was more important than ANYTHING else!

**Maurice**: Roger needs to learn how to like people, and to like people, he needs to like himself first :)

**Roger**: Thanks, Oprah.

**Boulder**: Who needs people when you have boulders?

**Roger**: Seriously. *pauses* I hate people.

**Maurice**: LIKE YOURSELF, ROGER. YOU ARE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL.

**Roger**: ...

**Boulder**: ...

**Roger**: Did you just call me beautiful?

**Jack**: Lol. Rogice.

**Roger**: NO! I didn't mean it like that!

**Maurice**: HE IS BEAUTIFUL.

**Roger**: STOP IT!

**Maurice**: YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO MEEEEE

**Roger**: STOP STOP STOP!

**Maurice**: CAN'T YOU SEE!

**Roger**: *blushing* I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL. *looks at Jack* AND ROGICE IS NOT COOL.

**Bill**: Tell 'im, bruh bruh.

**Maurice**: *sad face*

**Roger**: Oh for god's sake...

**Ralph**: *trying to cheer Maurice up* What do you think of Simon, Maurice?

**Maurice**: *immediately happy* SIMON'S A PUPPY.

**Simon**: I am?

**Maurice**: YUP! *thinks a minute* A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!

**Simon**: Uh...thanks I guess! That's really...er...sweet of you, Maurice!

**Maurice**: You are very welcome :D

**Ralph**: Simon, you're up next!

**Simon**: Oh...ok! Hmm...*reads question* Well, I don't really hate anyone on the island-

**Roger**: Suck up.

**Simon**: But if I had to choose somebody that I strongly dislike, I think I'd have to say...Piggy.

**Piggy**: What? Why me? WE'RE GHOST BUDDIES!

**Roger**: Piggy?

**Jack**: What?

**Simon**: I say Piggy only because, well, we're kind of opposites.

**Ralph**: Not really?!

**Simon**: He was always thinking about the reasonable thing to do or trying to control everything with order. I agree that that's important, but-

**Piggy**: We're like exactly alike!

**Simon**: He was afraid to go up on the mountaintop to face the Beast. I wanted to go see it.

**Jack**: THE BEAST! WE NEED MEAT.

**Roger**: *sighing* Here Jack. Take your daily there's-no-beast-pill.

**Jack**: *takes pill* Ahhh. *is fulfilled* I like bunnies.

**Simon**: Where Piggy was logic, I liked to think about things. Find the spiritual value in them.

**Jack**: *dopey* Simon, you little butterfly.

**Simon**: *blushes*

**Jack**: GIMME HUG!

**Simon**: uhhh

**Piggy**: I can't believe you don't like me.

**Simon**: No..I do like you! Just the least! *dodges Jack's attempt to hug him*

**Jack**: HUGGIE HUGGIE!

**Ralph**: What's wrong with him?

**Roger**: His there's-no-beast-pill does that to him. It's only temporary.

**Jack**: *catches sight of Roger* ROGER! YOU'RE SO PURTY.

**Roger**: Oh god.

**Piggy**: *still hurt* Can we move on now?

**Jack**: You little bag of fat, you're such a cutie.

**Piggy**: What the...

**Samneric: **...hell?

**Jack**: TWINSIES! *Stumbles over to them* hey guys. *whispers* If you were a pokemon, I'd choose you.

**Sam**: Oh...

**Eric**: ...kay...

**Jack**: And I approve of your pairing with Roger, Eric.

**Eric**: Huh?

**Roger**: Aright Jack. *pulls jack back* That's quite enough. *looks at Bill* Lamp, you're next.

**Eric**: LAMP!

**Sam**: GO LAMP!

**Bill**: Oh my gosh.

**Simon**: You have the same question as me, Lamp!

**Bill**: I'm not a Lamp!

**Simon**: Oh.

**Sam**: SEE!

**Eric**: SIMON BELIEVES IN THE MAGICAL LAMP TOO!

**Bill**: Alright. Is there anyone I truly dislike?

**Jack**: I thought Lamps didn't have feelings.

**Bill**: AT LEAST I HAVE A SOUL.

**Jack**: *sad face*

**Bill**: If there's anybody that I really don't like, it'd have to be the twinsies.

**Sam**: WHAT!

**Eric**: US?

**Sam**: THIS IS-

**Eric**: BARBARIC!

**Sam**: COMPLETELY-

**Eric**: BOGUS!

**Bill**: Twinsies are tiring. And they think I'm a lamp.

**Sam**: LAMP! WHAT HAVE WE DONE-

**Eric**: TO DISCERN YOU!

**Sam**: WE ONLY SEEK YOUR APPROVAL!

**Eric**: LAAAAAAMMMMMMMPPPP

**Bill**: Can someone please move on before they have heart attacks?

**Sam**: LAAAAMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

**Ralph**: SAM! You're next!

**Sam**: I am? *forgets about Lamp* I AM! What's my favorite kind of cookie?

**Eric**: SNICKERDOODLE!

**Sam**: You weren't asked, Eric! MY favorite kind of cookie is snickerdoodle.

**Eric**: I just said that.

**Sam**: But I had to answer for myself.

**Eric**: I know you so well.

**Boulder**: Kuttte.

**Roger**: LOL.

**Sam**: Doesn't matter anyway, Eric. You're up now.

**Eric**: Oh boy...more pairing questions?

**Roger**: Here's a gun. Shoot me.

**Eric**: Honestly, I'm kind of scared about the Roger/Eric pairing. I feel like he would hurt me.

**Roger**: Meh.

**Jack**: Poor little Eric.

**Eric**: Is this pairing really popular?

**Maurice**: Not as popular as Jalph, or Rock.

**Jalph Fan**: That's how we do.

**Rock Fan**: SAVAGE UNISON BABY!

**Jalph Fan**: Get out of here. Nobody likes you.

**Rock Fan**: Go tend to your fire thingy whatever it is that you guys do.

**Simon**: Calm down! All will be well:D

**Eric**: As for the second part of your question...I kind of do wish it could sometimes be Ericnsam. After all, I'm older by three minutes.

**Sam**: TWO MINUTES AND FORTY THREE SECONDS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

**Eric**: THREE MINUTES!

**Sam**: NUH UH!

**Eric**: YEAH HUH!

**Sam**: ERICNSAM DOES NOT HAVE THE SAME RING TO IT. End of story. *pauses* Plus Mum always liked me better.

**Eric**: DID NOT!

**Sam**: DID SO!

**Ralph**: Guys...

**Eric**: YOU GOT STUCK IN A TREE-

**Sam**: OH YEAH? WELL YOU BROKE HER LAMP.

**Bill**: Uh oh.

**Samneric**: LAMP!

**Bill**: Oh boy.

**Samneric**: WE SPOKE ILLY OF YOUR ANCESTOR!

**Bill**: It's alright. All...uh...is forgiven. Let Blondie answer his question.

**Jack**: *cough* Slut. *cough*

**Ralph**: For the last time, I AM NOT A SLUT.

**Roger**: ...whore.

**Ralph**: OH MY GOD!

**Everyone**: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!

**Ralph**: Fine, fine. Why did we need fire?

**Simon**: Nobody's allowed to tell you the answer.

**Jack**: Piggy, that includes you.

**Piggy**: *looks depressed*

**Ralph**: Ok, ok, I can do this.

**Jack**: You can do this.

**Ralph**: We needed fire because...

**Piggy**: ...because...

**Everyone**: SHUT UP PIGGY

**Ralph**: because we needed...

**Jack**: We needed...

**Ralph**: to...

**Roger**: Yes?

**Ralph**: cook...NO, NO, it wasn't to cook.

**Jack**: For me it was.

**Roger**: Always in the kitchen, aren't you, Jack?

**Ralph**: Something about a ship.

**Piggy**: *thrilled* YES YES GO ON GO ON! *winks at camera* he's finally getting it without my instruction!

**Ralph**: Something about a ship and a fire...what was it.

**Simon**: We were on an island...

**Ralph**: That's right.

**Simon**: And I knew that'd you get back alright.

**Ralph**: *lightbulb goes off* RESCUE! We needed smoke to be rescued! THERE.

**Jack**: Eh, Simon still helped you a little.

**Simon**: I pushed him the right direction.

**Maurice**: I AM LOVED ONCE MORE.

**Roger**: Heh. But I'm the most loved.

**Roger Fangirl**: FANGIRLS UNITE!

**Ralph**: ...why am I so hated?

**Piggy**: Eh. I know.

**Ralph**: I was put in the same box as Piggy...

**Jack**: HA! WE'RE LOVED! You're not...slut.

**Ralph**: *glares*

**Bill**: Better than a lamp.

**Eric**: *twitches* Lamp.

**Jack**: ...k.

**Roger**: You all suck.

**A/N**: Roger secretly adores all his fangirls, but he's too proud to say anything. Jack beat Piggy up after this, and Ralph tried to intervene, but he just ended up fighting with Jack over fire and meat...to which, once again (even after answering the question), Ralph forgot why they needed fire. They're silly. Thank you for the reviews - there are a lot more letters to come! Alright, peacing out now from the one and only, Write Me a Letter. SEEYA ;


	16. CDO, NOT OCD

**I finally logged in instead of being lazy. XD**

**Once again, this is amazing.**

**Everything is amazing.**

**AMAZING.**

**I need to find a new word, but YES, it is still amazing. XD**

**Oh, and I love Maurice.**

**Actually...I don't think there is any character that I don't love...(Well, I don't hate any if that somehow makes it different which it doesn't.)**

**Oh, and I've got another question for you peeps.**

***Ahem***

**...**

**WHEN DOES THE NARWHAL BACON?**

**-Cocolada**

**Jack**: BACON?

**Ralph**: NOT LIKE THAT.

**Simon**: Amazing is a good word!

**Maurice**: I AM LURVED.

**Roger**: Oh shut up.

**Jack**: BACON

**Roger**: She loves us all.

**Jack**: BACON?

**Roger**: *sighs* Yes Jack. Bacon.

**Jack: **I like bacon.

**Ralph**: We know.

**Maurice**: So uh...when does the narwhal bacon?

**Roger**: On Thursdays, of course.

**Piggy**: WRONG. YOU ARE WRONG. *Clears throat* The narwhal bacons at midnight.

**Roger**: On a Thursday.

**Maurice**: AFTERNOON.

**Piggy**: IF IT BACONS AT MIDNIGHT THEN IT CAN'T BACON IN THE AFTERNOON.

**Maurice**: Unless it's a ninja narwhal baconing thingy.

**Piggy**: You guys literally have no idea what it means.

**Simon**: I'm confused.

**Roger**: Me too. For once.

**Maurice**: I'm not. All I know is that I'm loved and that is all.

**Jack**: BACON!

**Roger**: SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME BACON BOY!

**Jack**: *daring* Ba...con?

**Roger**: I'LL KILL YOU MY GOD THESE PEOPLE WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME MY GOD YOU ARE INSANE.

**Everyone**: *stares*

**Roger**: *promptly gets up and leaves* If you'll excuse me for forever.

**Jack**: Wow he really didn't want me to say bacon.

**Ralph**: No kidding.

**Simon**: So uhh...I think we answered her question.

**Sam**: Did we?

**Eric**: WHAT DOES LAMP THINK OF THIS SUBJECT?

**Bill**: I think I don't understand any of this.

**Sam**: THE LAMP HAS SPOKEN.

**Eric**: COMPREHENSION IS NOT VALID.

**Jack**: O...okay.

**Ralph**: I guess that answers that, then.

**Piggy**: ROLL THE NEXT CLIP.

**Maurice: *stands up with random cape and crown* ALL YU HAIL BEFORE MEH. I AM DA KING OF AWEZOME.**

***Hails you* And you have a girlfriend in my fic, you know. Except there's only one scene because you two are pretty irrelevant. (You didn't hear that, though.)**

**NOW. This isn't a question, but I shall diagnose you all with personality disorders. Of course, my diagnoses will more often that not be completely incorrect.**

**Here we go.**

**Jack: Narcissistic Personality Disorder**

**Roger: Anti-social personality Disorder**

**Ralph: Hmmm...*thinking-thinking*-OCD. There we go.**

**Bill. You're a schizoid.**

**Simon...Hmm...*Thinks* Schizotypal. **

**I had more but I forgot. Oh well. XD**

**To author of this fic: You're amazing. Keep writing. *stare of seriousness***

**-Cocolada**

**Simon**: HELLO AGAIN!

**Roger**: *is back*

**Jack**: Woah.

**Maurice**: ALL YU HAIL BEFORE MEH. I AM DA KING OF AWEZOME. Best line to ever

cross fanfiction duecesss.

**Ralph**: Geez Maurice is loved.

**Maurice**: I AM HAILED. AND EVIDENTLY I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND I AM IRRELEVANT BUT OH WAIT I DIDN'T HEAR THAT. Wut. *thinks for a minute* I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. Wait, I do?

**Jack**: No more Rogice, I guess.

**Roger**: Thank the lord.

**Sam**: ROCK!

**Jack**: WILL YOU QUIT IT!

**Maurice**: Wait, who's my girlfriend! I KNOW NOT OF THIS MYSTERIOUS WOMAN.

**Piggy**: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT, MAURICE. She diagnosed us all with personality disorders...well, she didn't diagnose me, because I am FLAWLESS AND FABULOUS.

**Roger**: Anti-social personality disorder? Am I REALLY that anti-social?

**Jack**: LOL YEP. THAT'S ME. But wait...being sexy is a disorder?

**Ralph**: I'm not OCD. *huffs* And it's actually CDO if you put it in the correct order.

**Roger**: I've actually been formally diagnosed with SPD - sadistic personality disorder. Doctor says I'm tyrannical.

**Jack**: I'M TYRANNICAL.

**Roger**: Meh.

**Bill**: I'm a schizoid? Well I guess...

**Sam**: NO, YOU ARE NOT A SCHIZOID!

**Eric**: YOU ARE A LAMP.

**Bill**: I AM NOT A LAMP!

**Simon**: I've been told that schizotypal before. *gazes out into the horizon of a wall*

**Roger**: He's so weird.

**Ralph**: I think Jack suffers from Bacon Anxiety.

**Jack**: Oh yeah? Well you suffer from Fire Anxiety.

**Ralph**: Yeah? WELL YOU WEAR MAKE-UP!

**Jack**: IT'S WAR PAINT ASDFGHJKL.

**Ralph**: MAKE-UP!

**Jack**: DOUCHEBAG!

**Ralph**: GINGER!

**Jack**: SLUT!

**Ralph**: YOU CO- *sees a pencil fall out of place on a table* OH MY GOD SOMEBODY STOP THAT PENCIL FROM RUINING THAT PENCIL LINE.

**Simon**: *gently taps pencil back into place*

**Ralph**: *sighs* THANK GOD SIMON. I almost had a heart attack.

**Jack**: Geez, you are OCD.

**Ralph**: CDO.

**Jack**: EAZ.

**Ralph**: AEZ!

**Jack**: SUCK MY DICK!

**Maurice**: Woah...

**Roger**: Lol wut.

**Sam**: Oh-

**Eric**: -my-

**Bill**: -god.

**Jack**: NO NO! I meant it as an insult!

**Ralph**: I'm going to kill you.

**Maurice**: Right.

**Roger**: An insult? What, so Ralph's your bitch and that's his punishment? ;)

**Jack**: SADISTIC FREAK NO! IT WAS AN INSULT.

**Roger**: I'm laughing on the inside. Really.

**Ralph**: IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

**Bill**: Bye bye Rock!

**Roger**: YES That's both of them gone in one session! *leans back* I like today.

**Maurice**: And you rarely like anything.

**Ralph**: It wasn't like that!

**Jack**: He's actually right for once!

**Maurice**: Okay. Whatever you say.

**Jack**: BELIEVE ME!

**Roger**: Nobody said we didn't!

**Percival**: *slithers up from under the table* I did. I don't believe you.

**Jack**: *hits Percival in the head*

**Percival**: *slithers back under the table*

**Maurice**: What just happened.

**Boulder**: I'm not sure.

**Roger**: BOULDER! What are you doing here!

**Boulder**: What does it look like?

**Maurice**: Uh...rolling? GET IT!

**Boulder**: You're racist.

**Maurice**: What.

**Boulder**: I came here to peace out.

**Roger**: Boulders don't do peace. *smiles creepily* They disturb.

**Ralph**: That was highly disturbing.

**Roger&Boulder**: Exxxaaaaactly.

**Ralph**: Well then, I *catches a speck of dust fall out place* NO DUST NO!

**Jack**: Shut up you're ruining my self-importance look of death! *does self-importance look of death*

**Roger**: I hate people.

**Boulder**: Me too. Me too.

**A/N** Thanks for all the great reviews Cocolada! :D Glad you enjoy my story! So uh, big weekend because yesterday was the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, and today is the anniversary of the death of John Lennon. Take a moment of silence for each. John Lennon was probably the greatest musician to ever step foot on the Earth, and we should all be thankful for all the beautiful music he left with us before he departed from this life 3 LOVE YOU JOHN!

Those of you following Maurice's story, _Lord of the Maurice_, update will be coming soon :D Thanks again for all of your support!


	17. Freaking Harry Hook

**I feel really lame because I haven't attempted to write a letter here...I give you all permission to laugh at me, the noob. In fact, please DO laugh at me, I deserve it. And I haven't read all of the other letters, I've read a few, so if I ask a question that's already been answered or half answered, please don't shoot me.**

**Anyways you guys are fucking awesome (sorry, Simon shouldn't have read that, he's too innocent). It'd be awesome if y'all (I'm not southern I just wanted to abbreviate "you all") could answer these questions!**

**Roger: First of all, you're my favorite. Seriously, you're a super hot badass. Keep being a badass. Anyways, we all know that you're a sadist, but are you also a masochist? (a masochist is someone who likes feeling pain) Have you ever met a masochist? If so, how did it go? Also, I know this is super random, but what kind of music do you listen to?**

**Simon: You're adorable. And my second favorite. Alright, Simon, tell me if you get this reference (if you do I'll love you even more): PASTAAAAAA! **

**Samneric: Hm, if you had to give Roger, Simon, Jack, Maurice, Piggy, yourselves, and Ralph theme songs, what would they be?**

**Jack: Alright, a) your hair is beautiful and should never be hidden from the world. Got that? b) If you had to do a duet with any other choirboy which would it be (I think I already know the answer to this one) and what song would you pick?**

**Maurice: Hm...have you seen the 1990 Lord of the Flies movie? If so, were you mad that you weren't cast in the movie? That's right folks, in the 1990 movie Maurice was not a character. Also, you weren't given a distinct personality in the book, so I wanna know more about you: what's your favorite thing to do in your spare time?**

**Ralph: Pairings. Which one is your favorite (it has to be you/insert lotf character name)? **

**I'm not asking Piggy anything because he's lame. No offense. And I don't hate you because you're fat, you're fat because I hate you. (if you don't get that reference you're worse than I thought)**

**-Disenchanted lotf**

**Jack**: I'm laughing at you. *laughs* Only because you insisted.

**Roger**: I would laugh, but I'm Roger, and I only laugh at Rogerish things. BUT, I can't make a promise on that shooting comment. I mean, again, I am Roger. *stares seriously before laughing* Kidding, kidding.

**Ralph**: Roger...

**Roger**: What is it, Hoe?

**Maurice**: WE ARE FUCKING AWESOME.

**Simon**: Isn't that a bad word...

**Jack**: She said that he was much too innocent. *shakes head* Poor, poor Simon.

**Roger**: I'm up first. Why am I always up first?

**Maurice**: Because you're sexy.

**Bill**: Hello Rogice.

**Ralph**: Sucks!

**Roger**: DAMN YOU MAURICE. IT WAS GONE WHEN EVERYONE THOUGHT YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

**Maurice**: I still don't know who she is...BUT I BET SHE'S SEXY.

**Jack**: Somehow I doubt it. You'd have to be crazy to date Maurice.

**Maurice Fangirl #1**: HEY LEAVE MY BOTTLE OF CRAY CRAY ALONE.

**Maurice Fangirl #2**: MAURICE IS MY LIFE. HE IS MY BIBLE OF WHICH I LIVE AND ABIDE BY.

**Maurice Fangirl #3**: LET'S WRITE A FANFICTION PURELY ON MAURICE'S JOURNEY TO COLUMBIA WHERE HE MEETS A HOT GIRL NAMED GABRIELLA AND DRINKS LOTS OF COFFEE AND ATTENDS LOTS OF FANCY SPANISH HOLIDAYS.

**Jack**: ...yep, definitely Maurice's fangirls.

**Roger**: Only his fangirls would be that random.

**Roger Fangirl #1**: POTATOES SHOULD DIE.

**Roger**: *sighs* Then again, I may have spoken a tad bit too soon.

**Piggy**: ALRIGHT PEOPLE LET'S GET WITH IT. Geesh.

**Roger**: Fine, fine. *sips from tea as he reads* Ah, so I'm her favorite. That explains why I'm first.

**Jack**: ...you're always everyone's favorite.

**Roger**: For some really fucked up reason, torturing people is evidently hot. She called me a super hot badass. *smirks cockily* Well, I am a super hot badass...

**Jack**: I WAS THE ORIGINAL BADASS. He followed ME. Does anyone NOT remember this?

**Bill**: It's okay Jack, I know how it feels not to be remembered. Ever.

**Roger**: Sucks. Anyway, to answer your questions, yes I am a sadist, and apparently everyone knows this, even though my psychologist assured me that no one besides my parents would find out. Huh. But a masochist? Well, according to the docs, masochism usually accompanies sadism-

**Ralph**: YOU'RE SO FREAKING GROSS ROGER-

**Roger**: BUT. *glares* You never let me finish, Slut. I don't really find any pleasure in being dominated or abused. I find that redundant. I'd rather be hurting someone else. Then again, it all depends on the person we're talking about. My feelings differ between sadism and masochism sometimes. But right now, I'm in a pretty sadistic mood.

**Boulder**: NO WAY MEH TOO!

**Roger**: We are so in synch.

**Piggy**: You guys are so weird.

**Roger**: Shut up lardass. I really like that word. But moving on, yes I have met a masochist. I dated one once. Heh. That was interesting.

**Maurice**: WAS IT JACK?

**Jack**: I'm not a masochist! *thinks for a moment* AND I DON'T LIKE ROGER.

**Bill**: Oops. Forgot you were Ralph's boy.

**Jack**: I AM NOT.

**Roger**: As long as they're not saying Rock, I don't care who the fuck they put you with. My masochist girlfriend, on the other hand, was really hot. You know, perfect balance of pleasure and pain.

**Roger's Fangirl #1**: WRITE THIS DOWN. SOMEBODY GET THIS DOWN.

**Roger's Fangirl #2**: I CAN BE A MASOCHIST.

**Roger's Fangirl #3**: I NEED TO BE ROGER'S EX-MASOCHIST GIRLFRIEND. NOW.

**Roger**: Uhh...okay. Right. But if you want details on her...*smiles* That's a whole other story in itself.

**Maurice**: I thought you said you were inexperienced in that field...?

**Roger**: Eh. No one ever specified what 'that field' was. Besides, I'm not an open book. You have to dig.

**Maurice**: TREASURE HUNT!

**Roger**: I guess?

**Maurice**: ROGER TREASURE HUNT!

**Roger**: Please don't.

**Jack**: So Rog, what's your favorite music?

**Roger**: Bands I like...hm...I don't know, probably My Chemical Romance-

**Jack**: ME TOO!

**Roger**: *glares again* Don't. Give. Them. Any. Rock. Ideas.

**Jack**: *backs away*

**Roger**: Better. Uh, Coldplay, the Beatles, U2, Oasis, Phantogram, Garbage, Black Veil Brides - anything of that sort.

**Maurice**: You need some peppier music, like Taylor Swift.

**Roger**: What?

**Maurice**: WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER!

**Roger**: Good to know.

**Jack**: Aw, Maurice ended Rogice.

**Maurice**: I what now?

**Jack**: Too late. Simon's next.

**Simon**: Huh? I am?

**Jack**: *slaps face* WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YES OF COURSE YOU ARE. ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION.

**Simon**: *flustered* Oh...uh okay. *reads letter* Aw thanks! A lot people seem to think I'm adorable :D

**Maurice: **He's a puppy.

**Simon**: *smiles adorably* I guess I...er...am. I'm glad that I'm your second favorite! That makes me happy! *blushes*

**Jack**: meh. suck up.

**Simon**: Actually, I do get that PASTAAA reference!

**Maurice**: *perks up* PASTA?

**Sam**: Oh-

**Eric**: -boy.

**Roger**: Aaaaaaannddd here we go.

**Simon**: It's from Hetalia! *gives PASTA fist bump*

**Maurice**: PASTAAAA!

**Roger**: Oh dear.

**Maurice**: RUSSIA!

**Roger**: Here we go.

**Maurice**: PASTAAA!

**Roger**: Please shoot me.

**Boulder**: I can crush you if you want.

**Roger**: Nah. *pulls out random gun* Here. Just in case he never shuts up...

**Boulder**: Got it.

**Roger**: Phew.

**Maurice**: SAMNERIC!

**Samneric**: Yes?

**Maurice**: YOU GET TO GIVE US THEME SONGS!

**Sam**: Really?

**Eric**: That's awesome!

**Sam**: Eric, you go first.

**Eric**: Okay, okay. *tries to retain excitement* I guess I'll do Roger!

**Roger**: Neh.

**Bill**: It's Eroger. Wut.

**Roger**: Shut up. Go ahead, Eric.

**Eric**: THERE'S SO MANY. BUT I'm going to have to go with #1 Crush by Garbage.

**Jack**: OOOH! He said #1 Crush.

**Eric**: NOT LIKE THAT. You'd have to see the lyrics.

**Roger**: Why does everyone always pick gory songs for me?

**Piggy**:*has looked up song* Sounds like a good ROCK song.

**Roger**: WHAT.

**Piggy**: You'd have to see the lyrics. But I'd nominate as a Roger to Jack song. Just saying.

**Eric**: YOU ARE TAKING THIS OUT OF CONTEXT. SAM, GO.

**Sam**: SIMONNN! I have three.

**Roger**: PICK ONE GEESH.

**Jack**: He's in a bad mood now. Way to go Piggy.

**Sam**: I'M GOING TO SAY ALL THREE. Okay, number one, Innocence by Avril Lavigne.

**Simon**: That's a nice song!

**Jack**: He has no idea at the symbolism that Sam is subtly trying put in his song choices.

**Simon**: What?

**Sam**: Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift!

**Maurice**: WOO TAYLOR SWIFT!

**Roger**: I HATE HER I HOPE SHE GETS CRUSHED BY BOULDER.

**Boulder**: ME TOO.

**Sam**: Uh...okay, and Over the Rainbow cover by Ingrid Michaelson!

**Simon**: I like that song too! Those are all good songs! Thanks Sam!

**Roger**: How come he got three theme songs? I only got one.

**Jack**: Because Sam bent the rules for Simon...hey! IT'S SAMON!

**Ralph**: Salmon?

**Jack**: NO SAMON DAMN IT. Sam and Simon! YES!

**Sam**: NOO!

**Simon**: What's that? I'm confused again.

**Eric**: Don't worry about it *glares at Jack* ANYWAYS, it's his turn to have a theme song!

**Jack**: WOO! LET'S DO SOMETHING AWESOME!

**Eric**: I pick...WE R WHO WE R BY KESHA.

**Jack**: What.

**Roger**: The hell. She can't even sing. She just screams.

**Maurice**: She's a good singer! HOT AND DANGEROUS-

**Jack**: Well I am hot and dangerous.

**Maurice**: GOT THAT GLITTER ON MY EYES.

**Jack**: I put paint on my eyes..?

**Ralph**: *cough* Make up *cough*

**Jack**: SHUT UP SLUT!

**Sam**: RALPH! Your theme song is Lost? by Coldplay!

**Ralph**: WHEN WAS I LOST!

**Sam**: Never. It just describes your leadership qualities.

**Ralph**: *blushing* SHUT UP.

**Jack**: Aw, I get We R Who We R and he gets Lost.

**Ralph**: At least my theme song isn't just meaningless rubbish...kind of like YOUR leadership.

**Jack**: *snaps fingers* WOAH. You did NOT just go there.

**Maurice**:Guurrllllllll!

**Ralph**: I totally did.

**Eric**: I'm totally going to pick Maurice's song now. I pick La by Old Man River.

**Jack**: The whole song is animal noises and the guy going LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

**Maurice**: YUP! THAT'S ME. But I was hoping I'd get a Kesha song too. *sighs* Lucky Jack.

**Jack**: That's right. Be jealous.

**Maurice**: I guess that's only fair. I mean, Kesha does brush her teeth with a bottle of Jack, so I mean...

**Jack**; Exactly. We were destined for each other. With some alcohol.

**Sam**: Piggy! Your theme song is I Am the Walrus by the Beatles!

**Piggy**: Just because I'm OVERWEIGHT does not mean you can pick a song called I AM THE WALRUS.

**Jack**: HA Walrus instead of Piggy? I'm so calling him that from now on.

**Roger**: *sighs* You incompetent idiots. The song has nothing to do with being a lardass or a walrus. It's a figure of speech. And it's a good song. And Piggy doesn't deserve it.

**Piggy**: *looks up lyrics* Hey...I AM THE WALRUS.

**Jack**: More like _A_ walrus!

**Roger**: *sniggers* Seriously.

**Sam**: NOW, for Eric, I pick the song HEY JUDE :D

**Eric**: And for Sam, I pick WE WILL ROCK YOU.

**Jack**: wut.

**Roger**: Alright.

**Bill**: Twinsies have a strange sense in music variety.

**Jack**: Whateve. Who cares. You know why? I'M NEXT! AND YES, MY HAIR IS SMEXYLICIOUS AND SHOULD NEVER BE HIDDEN!

**Ralph**: Says nobody ever.

**Jack**: Said someone obviously.

**Ralph**: Gingers.

**Jack**: Blondes. Now, If I had to do a duet, I'd probably pick Roger...

**Roger**: Duh. I'm the best.

**Maurice**: ROCK!

**Jack**: NO SHUT UP!

**Ralph**: He'd pick Breaking Free from High School Musical.

**Maurice**: YES!

**Jack**: I WOULD NOT. I'd pick Paradise by Coldplay.

**Roger**: Really? That'd be a hard duet.

**Jack**: Not for the two best choristers in THE WORLD!

**Roger**: That's true I suppose.

**Maurice**: Your face is true!

**Roger**: What.

**Maurice**: *pats Roger's head* Do not stress, young padawan.

**Roger**: What?

**Maurice** Please refrain from using the _W_ word from now on.

**Roger**: _What_-

**Maurice**: VIOLATION! HE IS VIOLATING ME!

**Jack**: Okay, Maurice. Shut up. You're next.

**Maurice**: I HAZ QUEZTION?

**Jack**: ...oh boy. I regret telling him already.

**Maurice**: I IZ LURVED. HERE I GOEZ.

**Roger**: *reads question before Maurice* LOL. He's gonna throw a fit.

**Maurice**: Why? *reads question. gasps. nearly dies.* I WASN'T CAST IN THE 1990 MOVIE?

**Jack**: That's right. Sucks to suck.

**Piggy**: Aw, poor Maurice.

**Maurice**: WHAT IS THIS MOCKERY-

**Jack**: Even Bill...er, Billy, I guess...was in it.

**Bill**: OH YEAH (;

**Sam**: Oh Lamp...

**Eric**: He's so silly.

**Maurice**: I WAS FORGOTTEN...IN A FILM? WHAT.

**Roger**: How tragic.

**Maurice**: IF I WASN'T IN IT, THEN HOW THE HELL COULD ROGER AND I TORMENT SMALL CHILDREN TOGETHER?

**Jack**: You didn't. Neither did he.

**Roger**: I wasn't a very good sadist in that movie. I just looked kind of scary. *flicks hair which is definitely BLACK, not blonde, Harry Hook. God.*

**Maurice**: WHAT. *reads question again* WELL OF COURSE I'M MAD. THIS IS HORRIBLE.

**Ralph**: At least she wants to know more about you anyway.

**Maurice**: Shut up, Ralph. You're always cast in everything.

**Ralph**: *is sad*

**Maurice**: In my spare time, I LIKE TO DRAW PICTURES.

**Simon**: Oh cool, like paint and stuff?

**Maurice**: Nah. I prefer to use to crayons

**Simon**: Crayons? Well that's-

**Maurice**: *has random crudely drawn picture of flower* SEE. HERE'S MY PRETTY PICTURE.

**Jack**: Is that a turtle?

**Maurice**: IT IS A FLOWER.

**Roger**: It looks like the beast.

**Simon**: THE BEAST WHERE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD-

**Ralph**: Roger, everything you see looks like the beast to you.

**Roger**: This is true.

**Piggy**: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. Ralph, your turn.

**Ralph: **OKAY.

**Roger**: *reads Ralph's questions* Oh dear...

**Bill**: *is trying to contain laughter*

**Jack**: OH FUCK NO. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO ASK HIM THIS.

**Ralph**: Ask me what? *looks at question* WHAT.

**Sam**: Poor-

**Eric**: -Ralph.

**Ralph**: I DON'T PICK ANYONE. I'D NEVER...OH MY GOD.

**Maurice**: You have to pick someone!

**Simon**: What's a pairing?

**Ralph**: I REFUSE.

**Maurice**: YOU HAVE TO!

**Jack**: Oh god Ralph I know we don't get along but oh god please please please please please-

**Roger**: Time's running out Ralph. Better hurry up and pick!

**Jack**: -please please please please don't pick me.

**Roger**: Oh c'mon. We all know he's gonna pick you, Jack.

**Maurice**: JALPH.

**Ralph**: I'M NOT PICKING JACK. Geesh.

**Maurice**: So you're picking someone? WHO?

**Ralph**: Do I have to-

**Everyone** **(minus Jack)**: YES.

**Ralph**: *sighs* Fine. But to clear things up, I like GIRLS. End of story. I'm only doing this because they're making me.

**Bill**: *leans over to Roger and whispers* Does Jack dressed up in a dress count as a girl?

**Roger**: *shrugs* I don't know. Maybe.

**Ralph**: Okay. Here it goes. *gulps* If I had to pick one person who...you know...I think I'd have to choose...

**Jack**: *Crossing fingers* Not me not me not me please don't give them ammunition for Jalph please not me not me...

**Ralph**: Roger.

**Roger**: *once again, spits out random tea* WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

**Jack**: YES. *glances around at everyone's weird looks* HE DIDN'T PICK ME. And hey, he cleared up that whole Rock thing while he was at it! THANKS RALPH.

**Ralph**: I still like GIRLS. But you guys MADE me pick, so-

**Maurice**: RALPH LIKES ROGER!

**Simon**: *frustrated* WHAT'S A PAIRING?

**Ralph**: I do NOT like Roger-

**Roger**: WHY ME?

**Ralph**: Because Jack's a ginger, so that's gross.

**Jack**: HEY!

**Ralph: **Bill's too forgettable and he looks like a palm tree sometimes.

**Bill**: Or a lamp, evidently.

**Ralph**: Samneric...that's just kind of gross as well, because they're twins and all. I'd feel like a pedophile with Simon, Piggy's fat, and Maurice is Maurice and that's an immediate turn-off. So you're the only one left who's kind of tolerable.

**Roger**: I'M A SADIST. HOW IS THAT NOT A TURN-OFF?

**Jack**: According to your flock of fangirls, it's quite a turn-on.

**Roger**: Fuck being a sadist. This might just push me to get therapy.

**Ralph**: BUT I STILL LIKE GIRLS. END OF STORY.

**Roger**: I hate you even more.

**Maurice**: YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE.

**Bill**: Fighting like a married couple already.

**Roger**: SHUT UP SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. Ralph, I'm going to fucking murder you-

**Ralph**: They made me pick!

**Jack**: Aww.

**Roger**: SHUT UP!

**Simon**: What's going on?

**Roger**: SHUT UP SIMON DAMN YOU. *gets up* I HATE YOU ALL. *leaves*

**Simon**: *is crying*

**Maurice**: HE MADE SIMON CRY.

**Bill**: Asshole.

**Ralph**: *awkwardly clears throat* Oh boy.

**Jack**: Well then...

**Maurice**: Rolph. *winks*.

**Ralph**: No, no, no, no, no.

**Maurice**: Rolph.

**Bill**: Rager.

**Sam**: LAMP STAY OUT OF-

**Eric**: -THIS MOCKERY.

**Bill**: Oh twinsies...

**Piggy**: *is busy reading question* HEY. I AM NOT LAME. AND I AM FAT ON ACCOUNT OF MY ASTHMA.

**Jack**: How does that make you fat, Lardass?

**Piggy**: I could never do sports!

**Jack**: Oh I'm sure.

**Sam**: We have a cousin with asthma-

**Eric**: -who plays professional football now.

**Sam**: *nods*

**Eric**: *nods*

**Samneric**: ASTHMA DOES NOT STOP YOU FROM PLAYING SPORTS.

**Jack**: See. The proof is in the pudding.

**Piggy**: WHAT PUDDING? *glances around excitedly* WHERE'S THE PUDDING?PIGGY LIKES PUDDING. OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

**Jack**: Wow...

**Ralph**: Piggy, I think you need help.

**Maurice**: I think we all need help.

**Jack**: I DON'T. I'M TOO SEXY FOR HELP.

**Maurice**: HEY RALPH.

**Ralph**: What is it, Maurice?

**Maurice**: *giggling* Rolph.

**A/N**: GUIZ. I just love you all and your awesome questions. Sorry this is taking so long to update! I have exams coming up so I'm studying REAL hard! (jk I'm not. woo procrastination). This one was long, so if you go through it, CONGRATS. Also:

_Lord of the Maurice__**: **_Update pending. You see, I'm co-writing it with my thirteen-year-old brother and he's off in thirteen-year-old lala land so that'll be coming whenever I can get him to sit down with me and write it.

HEY GUIZ GUESS WHAT. If you want me to review your story, I WILL. Just PM me, tell me the name of your fic, and I'll review it! I give honest reviews, but I'm nice, unless it truly has horrendous grammar/spelling/absolutely does not make sense, which is rare on here. Anyways, thanks for the letters, KEEP ASKING


	18. Mauriz Da Pedo

**Lord of the Flies characters,**

**I am a Roger fangirl.**

**Jack, when you and Ralph get married am I invited to he wedding? I know you can sing C sharp, but can you make Ralph sing it?**

**Roger, will you marry me? I am just as sadistic as you. Also, just to point out Roger, you should have tortured Piggy more before you killed him. I like the rock idea though. Oh, Roger, I love you and you are the piggy to my boulder.**

**Maurice, are you a pedophile or do you just like watching little kids? I mean I'm sure Perceval loves you to.**

**Samneric, can you ask your magical lamp a question for me? What is he meaning of life?**

**Simon, you are amazing and DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT! (I still wish I helped kill you though.)**

**Ralph, in yours and Jack's relationship, who is the bottom?**

**DominaUmbra666**

**Roger**: 666. *grins* I see what you did there.

**Simon**: *faints because it's 666 and he's all holy and what-not*

**Ralph**: Roger fangirl. Again.

**Maurice**: Geez Roger, you sure have a lot of fangirls.

**Roger**: Well of course. *flicks hairs*. I'm sexy.

**Jack**: Since when did you start calling yourself boastful/prideful/cocky names?

**Roger**: I dunno. Since I recognized how much sexier I am than everyone else.

**Jack**: *smacks Roger on head* NO. BAD ROGER. THAT'S MY THING.

**Roger**: *growls*

**Jack**: BAD ROGER.

**Piggy**: ...okay.

**Sam**: That was a bit-

**Eric**: -strange.

**Ralph**: I'll say.

**Maurice**: I'LL SAY ROCK.

**Bill**: WOO WOO ROCK!

**Jack**: SHUT UP.

**Roger**: Oh my.

**Piggy**: Alright. Cut the nonsense, you dimwits. Jack, you're first.

**Boulder**: No need to be sassy, Miss. Piggy.

**Piggy**: That's MISTER Miss. Piggy to you, Boulder.

**Roger**: Don't patronize my boulder!

**Boulder**: Don't patronize my Roger!

**Roger Fangirl #1**: MY Roger. *holds up knife*. MY ROGER.

**Boulder**: ASDFGHJKL HE'S MINE OH MY GOSH HOW COULD YOU WHO IS THIS LITTLE PINEAPPLE OF A PERSON OF A LITTLE HUMAN BEING OF BLOOD AND OOOH CAN I SQUISH IT AND MY GOD WHY AM I TALKING I AM A BOULDER FOR GOODNESS SAKES KUDOS TO YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME A BOULDER SHOUT FOR FIVE MINUTES LIKE THIS.

**Jack**: ...Roger, your Boulder is weird.

**Roger**: Your face is weird.

**Jack**: *is sad*

**Roger**: *is fulfilled*

**Piggy**: *is agitated* JACK, ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. My GOD these people...

**Jack**: Fine. *Clears throat* What is this? When Ralph and I get MARRIED?

**Ralph**: *spits out random tea* WHAT. MARRIED?

**Roger**: Hey, spitting out tea is MY thing!

**Maurice**: I knew Jack and Ralph we meant to be.

**Jack**: Who said that we're getting MARRIED?

**Bill**: Seriously, they've only been dating for a couple of months.

**Jack&Ralph**: WE ARE NOT DATING.

**Maurice**: That's right. I forgot about Rolph.

**Roger**: *death stare*

**Jack**: Anyway, I mean, I guess you can come to my wedding when I get married, but I don't really want to marry Ralph...besides, he digs Roger.

**Maurice**: *winky face* ROGERRRR (;

**Ralph**: I do not LIKE Roger.

**Bill**: Riiight.

**Sam**: LAMP. STOP INCRIMINATING RALPH AND MAKING HIM FEEL AWKWARD.

**Eric**: Serz.

**Jack**: So, sorry to disappoint, but Ralph and I will not be getting married any time soon.

**Jalph fan**: DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL.

**Jack Fan #1**: Don't damn my sexy hunter to hell!

**Maurice Fan #1**: I smell apricots. Anyone else?

**Boulder Fan #1**: I smell death. *smiles at Roger fan*

**Roger Fan #1**: *smiles at Boulder fan* Oh yes.

**Ralph**: ...Boulder has fans now?

**Jack**: What?

**Boulder**: Hm. Strange.

**Roger**: WOO GO BOULDER SHOW 'EM HOW IT'S DONE!

**Jack**: Boulder has more fans than Piggy!

**Piggy**: SHUT UP. SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. Jack, you never finished!

**Bill**: I don't think he'll like the rest of his question very much.

**Sam**: The Lamp has-

**Eric**: -powerful insight.

**Samneric**: *in awe*

**Jack**: Yeah, yeah. Lamp, shmamp. *pleased that someone acknowledged that he can sing C sharp - which he can* Yes, I CAN sing C sharp, thank you very much. And - WHAT. WHY DOES MY BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE SOMEHOW HAVE TO BE TAKEN IN SUCH A PERVERSE WAY?

**Ralph**: *reads question* AW THAT'S JUST...EWW...I CAN'T EVEN...

**Maurice**: *creepy grin* So, can you, Jack?

**Jack**: I don't know! Quite frankly, I've never tried!

**Roger**: Maybe you should.

**Jack**: Maybe you should die.

**Piggy**: Good idea, Jack!

**Ralph**: I'm quite offended right now.

**Jack**: YOU'RE OFFENDED? Your singing skills weren't taken into the context of...of...

**Maurice**: SEX.

**Jack**: DON'T SAY THE WORD, THAT DISGUSTING WORD THAT DEFACED MY BEAUTIFUL NOTE OF C SHARP.

**Simon**: I don't get it. I don't understand what's so horrible about teaching Ralph to sing.

**Maurice**: Oh he'll learn how to sing...

**Roger**: After all, he is a slut. They always scream.

**Ralph**: SHUT UP I AM NOT A SLUT, AND I DO NOT SCREAM. *sniffles*

**Jack**: HE IS A SLUT, but then again - I'M PARTICULAR IN MY CHOICE OF...ER...PEOPLE, AND HE COULD HAVE DISEASES OR SOMETHING. God only knows where he's been!

**Maurice**: Welp, I guess that concludes that. Obviously Jack couldn't make him sing C sharp.

**Bill**: Poor Jack.

**Jack**: It's not poor Jack! It's Jack-would-never-touch-something-as-filthy-and-contaminated-as-Ralph!

**Ralph**: *sniffles again* Okay, that was just mean!

**Jack**: DO YOU WANT TO KILL JALPH OR NOT?

**Jalph Fan**: Meep.

**Boulder**: This sounds fun.

**Ralph**: I WANT YOU TO STOP CALLING ME A SLUT.

**Jack**: That's not gonna happen. Might as well use it to our advantage, eh?

**Ralph**: NO, NOT EH. THIS IS NOT 'EH' AT ALL.

**Percival**: *slithers through window which is closed* I can make Ralph sing C sharp.

**Roger**: What the hell. You're like, five.

**Percival: ***hisses* SO?

**Sam**: Where do you-

**Eric**: -keep coming from?

**Roger**: *whispers to Boulder* We should've ate him on the island while we had the chance.

**Boulder**: For sure.

**Ralph: **I am extremely disturbed at the moment...

**Jack**: Go away, Percival! C Sharp is _my_ thing!

**Percival**: *slithers back through window*

**Roger**: That kid is weird.

**Maurice**: *with tears in eyes* Reminds me of myself when I was that age...

**Piggy**: Alright. Jack, your turn is up. Roger, go ahead.

**Roger**: *cracks fingers* Alright, here we go. Will I marry you? Well, I don't really know you...

**Maurice**: ROGER SHE'S A SADIST TOO!

**Jack**: Roger's into masochists. That's what his ex was.

**Roger**: I mean, I think I'd like to get to know someone before I marry them...

**Maurice**: JUST YOLO ROGER. YOLO. YOLO WITH A HASHTAG.

**Roger**: I'm not yoloing.

**Maurice**: DO IT. MARRY THIS RANDOM SADISTIC JALPH FAN.

**Roger**: I don't believe in marriage.

**Bill**: Well that's awkward.

**Roger**: I don't want kids. They're annoying.

**Maurice**: Aw, I guess I'll never be Uncle Maurice to little, mini Rogers!

**Roger**: What. the. hell. ?

**Maurice**: Never mind. Never mind.

**Roger**: Okay. *returns to question* Hm, yeah, I really should've tortured Fatty more before I killed him. Oh well. Regrets, I guess. Then again, Ralph probably wouldn't have let me, which would mean that I would have to catch Ralph, and as lovely as that would've been, I also was in charge of torturing twinsies. So, I had a lot on my plate. Jack put a lot of pressure on me!

**Jack**: Well I'm SORRY.

**Roger**: It's all cool.

**Piggy**: I don't like this question.

**Roger**: By the way, he's a boulder, not a rock.

**Boulder**: Rock is my little brother.

**Maurice**: Rock is Jack and Roger.

**Roger**: ROCK IS NOT ME AND JACK.

**Maurice**: Hey Roger...SHE LOVES YOU.

**Roger**: Uh...love you too?

**Maurice**: WOW. He said the L word!

**Jack**: That's a miraculous first.

**Roger**: What? Can't sadists have feelings of emotions too?

**Samneric**: No.

**Roger**: Geesh. Fine. (to asker) HEY- You are the Simon to the spear.

**Simon**: *genuinely hurt* Wh...what?

**Roger**: No offense or anything.

**Piggy: **HEY PIGGY'S OFFENDED.

**Boulder**: I hate be associated with Piggy.

**Roger**: I know. I'm sorry, dear Boulder.

**Boulder**: It's alright. I am valiant.

**Maurice**: ...I...I'm not a PEDOPHILE.

**Roger**: Aw, Maurice...SICKO.

**Bill**: Maurice, you are freaking disgusting.

**Sam**: The Lamp-

**Eric**: -knows all!

**Maurice**: I don't like watching little kids - ROGER WAS DOING IT TOO.

**Roger**: Don't bring me into this!

**Percival**: *slithers from under floorboards* Actually, I don't love him back. I like Ralph.

**Ralph**: Wut.

**Maurice**: I...I...huh.

**Roger**: That's nice?

**Percival**: *licks lips* It is. *slithers back under floorboards*

**Roger**: Seriously, WHERE DOES THAT KID COME FROM?

**Maurice**: I guess I'm glad that he doesn't love me and that I'm not a pedophile.

**Ralph**: What. the. hell.

**Jack**: Ralph, you freaking perve.

**Ralph**: It's not me! Percival's the weird one!

**Bill**: He is pretty weird.

**Sam**: So true, so true.

**Eric**: Brought tears to my eyes, Lamp.

**Sam**: HEY ERIC, WE HAVE A REQUEST.

**Eric**: IT'S FOR OUR MAGICAL LAMP.

**Sam**: *in glee* SEE, HE IS REAL!

**Eric**: I KNEW IT, SAM!

**Bill**: Wait, what-

**Sam**: LAMP! LAMP! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

**Eric**: THAT IS YOUR REQUEST - ER, OUR REQUEST.

**Bill**: Well...well...I DON'T KNOW.

**Boulder**: He is only a lamp, after all.

**Sam**: NOOO, LAMP. YOU MUST KNOW!

**Eric**: YOU ARE OUR LAMP OF MAGICAL POWERZZ!

**Bill**: OH MY GOD fine! The meaning of life is...

**Jack**: Please say meat please say meat please say meat...

**Ralph**: It's fire. Duh.

**Bill**: *annoyed* T'IS NEITHER. It's...DEALS AT PACSUN.

**Roger**: What.

**Bill**: The meaning of life is deals at Pacsun. They have wicked cool glasses, and I like their accessories!

**Sam**: *bowing* THE LAMP HAS SPOKEN.

**Eric**: IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.

**Sam**: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC LAMP.

**Bill**: *blushing* Aw shucks guys.

**Eric**: LAMP OF POWER!

**Sam**: PREVAIL!

**Jack**: They never worshipped me like that!

**Eric**: YOU ARE NOT A LAMP!

**Bill**: YEAH! You are not a lamp!

**Piggy**: Whatever. That isn't the meaning of life. The meaning of life is actually 42. Simon, you're up.

**Simon**: I am?

**Piggy**: Yup.

**Roger**: She thinks you're amazing-

**Simon**: Aw, how sweet! Thanks :D

**Roger**: -but she still wishes she helped kill you.

**Simon**: *sad and confused* Oh...uh...okay...

**Ralph**: Poor Simon.

**Maurice**: WHY WOULD ANYONE HURT LITTLE, DELECTABLE SIMON?

**Roger**: Delectable?

**Simon**: Evidently my death seems like it was fun. *thinks for a moment then smiles* Oh well. It's alright! I'm okay now!

**Maurice**: SO INNOCENT, SO PURE!

**Roger**: So SHUT THE FUCK THE UP MAURICE.

**Maurice**: Someone's feeling cranky.

**Roger**: Only if you make me.

**Maurice**: *backs away*

**Roger**: *grins*

**Bill**: Hey Ralph, check out your question.

**Ralph**: Excuse me?

**Bill**: Look at your question.

**Ralph**: Uh...okay. *reads question* OH MY GOD.

**Jack**: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

**Maurice**: SEXY QUESTION IS SEXY.

**Simon**: What does that mean, who goes on the bottom? I'm so confused!

**Jack**: You lucky innocent little polar bear, you don't know what any of this disturbing stuff means.

**Maurice**: Not that your questions are disturbing. I quite like them actually.

**Ralph**: Pervert!

**Bill: **Well, he does watch small children.

**Maurice**: NOT LIKE THAT.

**Ralph**: I don't KNOW who goes on the bottom because we've never had a relationship or anything of the sorts!

**Maurice**: Besides, he's into Rolph.

**Roger**: Ralph, I'm still definitely going to gut you for that one.

**Ralph**: I...I'm sorry?

**Jack**: I don't even understand why this is a question. First of all, WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. Second of all, even if we were, he'd obviously be on the bottom. Obviously.

**Ralph**: I WOULD NOT. Remember - you're the one with mood swings! You'd be the

wifey!

**Jack**: Does Jack sound like a girl's name to you? *has super masculine look on face*

**Maurice**: Well, I mean, it can be short of Jacqueline.

**Jack**: SHUT UP MAURICE IT CANNOT.

**Maurice**: Yes it can.

**Jack**: WHO SAYS?

**Dr. Professor Person of Special Knowledge on Everything**: Actually *pushes up specs* I say.

**Jack**: Who the fuck is that?

**Maurice**: We hired him so that whenever we have disagreements, he can settle them.

**Sam**: Does he know everything?

**Maurice**: Yep. Everything in the entire world. Even our SECRETS.

**Sam**: *to Eric* He must be a lamp.

**Eric**: It's the only logical explanation.

**Bill**: *slaps his forehead* Oh dear...

**Jack**: WHATEVER. RALPH WOULD STILL BE BOTTOM.

**Ralph**: WOULD NOT!

**Jack**: WOULD SO!

**Ralph**: WOULD NOT!

**Jack**: YOU WOULD SO!

**Bill**: PLEASE SHUT UP. Bill's got a pretty chill headache.

**Sam**: OH NO!

**Eric**: SOMEONE HELP THE LAMP.

**Piggy**: Once again, I have been ignored for questions...

**Jack**: WOULD SO!

**Ralph**: WOULD NOT!

**Samneric**: LAMP! HIS HEAD!

**Bill**: MY HEAD!

**Piggy**: - I will happily conclude this sermon.

**Roger**: Have a sadistically horrible day everyone. I hope Boulder crushes all the Ralph fans.

**Boulder**: What a beautiful sight that would be...

**A/N**: EXAMS ARE AWESOME WHEN YOU GET STRAIGHT A+'s. I'm very proud of myself right now, so proud, that I whipped out another one of these things. In the near future, I'm going to be opening a livejournal/tumblr or something for _Write Me A Letter_ just in case. You know, I wouldn't want to discontinue this. Once I do, letters will be posted to both fanfiction and whatever site I choose to host the other _WMAL_. Wmal. Weird abbreviations.

Thank you for all your reviews! If you want me to review your work, just PM me! Of course, it always makes me happy when you all review my work, so if you could do that too, that'd be awesome. Thanks lovelies! And for those of you with exams now or in the close future - GOOD LUCK!

P.S (if you're reading this right now, wow, kudos to you for listening to all my rambling nonsense): I got out of the car today to go take my exams. As I was walking out, my brother rolled down the window and screamed "MAURICE!" really loud. I was dying. Oh dear, I love that kid. I've taught him well.


	19. STOP BOULDAH RACISM!

**Haha, I'll be sure to look at that story. Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for...QUESTIONS FROM HAMMSTAHS**

**Maurice: You are fucking awesome. So here is my question. Will you pleeeaaase come to my school and we can be biffles forever? It would make my life. Seriously. And as I've mentioned many times, I'd be more than happy to be your fangirl :D**

**Roger: Despite my undying friendshipy love for Maurice, YOU ARE MY FUCKING FAVORITE AND I SHALL NEVER BETRAY YOU FOR ANOTHER CHARACTER LIKE SOME NONBELIEVERS! You are fucking sexy man. So, if you guys ever did land on the island again, can I come? Please?**

**Jack: I'm sorry. Once upon a time, like a year ago, you were my favorite. Not so much anymore. Sincerest apologies. But hey, you're still haning in at third! Also, if Roger says I can join the next island party, can I be in your tribe? **

**Ralph: I'm gonna get straight to the point. I don't like you. Sure, you are supermegafoxyawesomehot, and you'd probably end up with the girl in my stories sooner than Jack, but I don't think you handled any of the situations well on the island. But you're a blond, and blondes are sexy, so I shall forgive your stupidity. And if it makes you feel any better, if I had been on the island (I'm continuing with this what if situation, sorry), I probably would've eventually fucked you. And Roger. That may seem skanky, but you don't count, cuz you're a slut. There we go.**

**Simon: Will you be my little brother? Seriously, I wanna friggin' adopt you so you can be my little brother, cuz you are the cutest thing that has ever walked the face of the earth. Congrats**

**That's about it, I'll probly think of more later, but for now, enjoy whatcha got.**

**-Hammsters**

**Maurice**: HOLAAAAA!

**Jack**: You're absolutely right. This is the moment I've eagerly been awaiting.

**Maurice**: Someone sounds a little saucy today.

**Roger**: Saucy?

**Sam**: Like-

**Eric**: -sauce!

**Piggy**: Can you guys please focus for a minute? We have lots of questions to answer!

**Bill**: 'Bout what?

**Piggy**: I don't know - Maurice, you're up first. Go on.

**Maurice**: WHAT? MAURIZ IS FIRZT?

**Roger:** Why do you act shocked at this? Lots of people seem to like you know, for whatever fucked up reason.

**Maurice**: I could say the same about YOU, little Roger.

**Roger**: *confused* Little Roger?

**Boulder**: He's not little. *glares*.He is tall and masculine.

**Ralph**: What?

**Jack**: Roulder alert.

**Maurice**: Guiz srzly it's my time to shine.

**Jack**: Whatever.

**Maurice**: *clears throat in pride* ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. Well, I AM pretty awesome.

**Roger**: Right. Awesome. *rolls eyes*. Nailed it.

**Maurice**: ERMAGAHD! *is absolutely thrilled* I WOULD TOTALLY COME TO YOUR SCHOOL AND BE YOUR BIFFLE! Well, I don't really know you, but...THAT SOUNDS SO FREAKING AWESOME. WE COULD PASS NOTES WITH LITTLE STICK FIGURES ON THEM AND EAT LUNCH TOGETHER AND DRAW PICTURES TOGETHER AND WALK TO CLASS TOGETHER AND MAKE PAPER MACHE TOGETHER AND GO TO CHOIR TOGETHER AND PLAY SOCCER TOGETHER AND WASH OUR HANDS TOGETHER AND-

**Jack**: Alright! We get it! You'd do everything together.

**Maurice**: -AND WRITE STORIES TOGETHER AND ANNOY JACK TOGETHER AND RIDE ON THE BUS TOGETHER AND BE PARTNERS IN SCIENCE TOGETHER AND PULL PRANKS TOGETHER AND DO HOMEWORK TOGETHER AND TAKE BALLET TOGETHER-

**Roger**: He's going to go on and on. There's no stopping him. He's like a train without brakes.

**Boulder**: Could not have put it better, Roger.

**Jack**: Not if I can help it! *grins* HEY MAURICE, GUESS WHAT?

**Maurice**: AND GO TO SPAIN TOGETHER- What?

**Jack: **She said that she'd be more than happy to be YOUR FANGIRL!

**Maurice**: *gasps! WHAT SHE SAID WHAT I HAVE WHAT A FANGIRL WHAT IS THIS REAL? *faints*

**Simon**: Why does everybody try to steal the ONE thing that I'm really good at!

**Roger**: Feels, brother.

**Simon**: *is depressed*

**Maurice**: *has fallen upon the glorious floor*

**Jack**: Oh. Well then. Didn't know he would react like that. *stares awkwardly* Can somebody move...it until it wakes up?

**Boulder**: I CAN!

**Ralph**: I don't think that's a good idea.

**Boulder**: *is offended* It's because I'm a boulder, isn't it?

**Ralph**: Well...uh...yeah, pretty much.

**Boulder**: You're racist!

**Ralph**: I...uh...

**Simon**: I'll move him! *moves Maurice with random amount of strength*

**Jack**: Look who's been working out!

**Simon**: What?

**Jack**: *pouting* Never mind. God.

**Roger**: Hey guys...

**Everyone else besides Maurice who has been kicked under the table**: What?

**Roger**: *grins kind of creepily* Guess what?

**Sam**: You killed a puppy?

**Eric**: A kitten?

**Sam**: A lamp?

**Bill**: Let's hope he doesn't kill a..._lamp_.

**Roger**: Right. Because killing lamps is such fun. *rolls eyes* I GOT ANOTHER FANGIRL.

**Jack**: WHAT. WHAT IS THIS MOCKERY.

**Roger**: I've beaten all of you freaks so far.

**Ralph**: Wh...wha...why...I don't...HE'S SO CREEPY WHY WOULD ANYBODY?

**Roger**: I even beat Maurice who totally got FRIEND-ZONED.

**Maurice**: *wakes up and hits head on table* FRIEND-ZONED - OW, my head! *faints again from minor, but still painful, injury*

**Bill**: Poor Maurice.

**Roger**: That's right. I am fucking sexy, at least according to our asker.

**Ralph**: How is he sexy? HE DOESN'T EVEN PLAY RUGBY OR DREAM OF CORNFLAKES AND PONIES.

**Jack**: Cornflakes and ponies?

**Bill**: That sounds like a tough existence, Ralph.

**Ralph**: What? You guys have never dreamed of cornflakes and ponies?

**Everyone else**: No.

**Ralph**: Awkward.

**Roger**: Hey, HEY! *snaps fingers at Ralph* Shut up. This is my question. You can babble on about your pony porn when it's your turn. *reads question and smiles* Sure, of course you can come - that is, as long as you promise to be savage and join my tribe.

**Jack**: Hey...what about my tribe?

**Ralph**: Or my tribe?

**Bill**: Or my tribe?

**Jack and Ralph**: *stare at Bill*

**Jack**: You never had a tribe.

**Bill**: EITHER DID ROGER.

**Roger**: Well, if we ever go back, I'd form my own tribe. An ultra savage tribe with human sacrifices.

**Jack**: That sounds horrible.

**Ralph**: Now you know how I felt!

**Jack**: No one cares. You're ugly.

**Ralph**: *is upset because his looks mean a lot to him*

**Maurice**: *wakes up again and somehow knows what's going on* BUT ROGER, WHO ON EARTH WOULD YOU SACRIFICE?

**Roger**: *sighs* I don't know...littluns, probably.

**Piggy**: THAT IS HORRIBLE.

**Roger**: Or One Direction.

**Maurice**: NO! ANYTHING BUT THEM MY GOD.

**Jack**: Keep calm and be a Merridew. Now, everyone shut the fuck up, because it is officially MY TIME TO SHINE.

**Maurice**: SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND!

**Roger**: *has knife* Sing Nicki Minaj one more time and you're dead.

**Simon**: Well that escalated quickly!

**Jack**: SHUT UP! Now...*reads question* WHAT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I ONCE WAS YOUR FAVORITE? HANGING AT THIRD? THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I WANT TO BE FIRST. Roger's not even sexy. I'm sexy.

**Bill**: Lol awko, she wants to be in your tribe.

**Roger**: NOT COOL.

**Jack**: *is happy* HA! SEE ROGER! YOU MAY BE HER FAVORITE BUT SHE WANTS TO BE IN MY TRIBE. Therefore, I conclude myself as awesome.

**Roger**: That doesn't even make sense. I bet she didn't know that I was going to form my OWN tribe!

**Jack**: I bet she would still pick mine!

**Roger**: Doubt it!

**Jack**: SUCK IT UP. That's just the way the rock rolls.

**Maurice**: Oh my god.

**Bill**: *is cracking up* I can't even handle it..

**Roger**: *grits teeth* Jack...*holds up knife* You. are. dead. Tonight.

**Jack**: What did I- OH MY GOD. NO.

**Maurice**: HE SAID SUCK IT UP-

**Sam**: And then he said-

**Eric**: -That's just the way-

**Samneric**: -THE ROCK ROLLS.

**Maurice**: ROCK ROCK ROCK.

**Ralph**: *finds this hilariously funny*

**Jack**: I DIDN'T MEAN IT-

**Maurice**: This is cute.

**Jack**: Everybody just needs to CHILL OUT-

**Bill**: I'm chilled out.

**Jack**: *aggravated* SHUT UP.

**Piggy**: HEY GUYS - How about we let RALPH go now. Maybe he can restore some freaking order around here.

**Boulder**: DOUBTFUL!

**Roger**: *high-fives Boulder* TRU DAT.

**Piggy**: ...right. Ralph, take it away!

**Ralph**: I...er...alright. I will. *reads questions with sexy inquisitive look that makes Percival die* What? What have I done for you to not like me?

**Roger**: HA! Roger fangirls PREVAIL!

**Ralph**: ...at least she admitted that I'm supermegafoxyawesomehot-

**Jack**: He is not! He is a fugly, ditzy, stupid, slutty little blonde.

**Ralph**: ...and that I'd totally win the girl over Jack...

**Jack**: WHAT? NO. NO HE WOULD NOT. SEE, JUST ASK MARY-SUE.

**Mary-Sue**: *is way too perfect* Yes, yes Ralph would. *starts crying because she's an emotional bitch*

**Jack**: FUCKING SUE'S.

**Ralph**: Jack, just accept the truth and move on. *back to question* HEY - I handled the stuff on the island with...with...er...AS BEST AS I COULD.

**Simon**: But I died.

**Ralph**: NOT MY PROBLEM. NOT MY PROBLEM.

**Maurice**: Jerk!

**Ralph**: I was under a lot of pressure and-

**Jack**: Jack did a fantastic job whereas he sucked. Yes, I speak in third person now. Jack is sexy.

**Ralph**: WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME?

**Jack**: What, do you have the conch or something?

**Ralph**: *seething* SHUT. UP. *moves back to question once again* Yes, yes I am blonde. And very true, blondes - NOT GINGERS - are sexy. So thanks for forgiving my stupidity - HEY. I'm not _that_ stupid!

**Roger**: 2 + 2. Go.

**Ralph**: 4?

**Roger**: Wrong. The answer is death.

**Maurice**: *snorts* Blondes...

**Ralph**: But I...I...whatever.

**Piggy**: Continue, Ralph.

**Ralph**: *reads rest of question* OH...oh...well, uh, thanks. I mean, what if situations are absolutely alright if they're not about Jalph or whatever. And I don't mind yours so much.

**Roger**: Pervert.

**Ralph**: *smirks*

**Jack**: Great. He'll be all prideful for the rest of the day.

**Roger**: Hey, she threw my name in there too!

**Jack**: ...no Jackie?

**Roger**: Nope. Just me and Slut - which you're right, it's not skanky because he's a slut, and sluts do not count at all.

**Ralph**: I'M NOT A SLUT.

**Roger**: You keep telling yourself that, Slut.

**Maurice**: Ralph will never get married. He's gonna be a prostitute when he grows up.

**Ralph**: WHAT THE HELL.

**Maurice**: Isn't that what sluts aspire to be?

**Ralph**: NO, IT IS NOT - AND BESIDES, I'M NOT A SLUT.

**Bill**: Awkward. I already told my sister that she could buy you for a night.

**Ralph**: WHAT?

**Bill**: Yeah. She's gonna pay you in Cracker Barrel gift cards. Is that alright, or do you prefer cash?

**Ralph**: WHAT? I CAN'T BE BOUGHT. I'M NOT A SLUT. You guys are hurting my feelings.

**Bill**: *sighs* Oh well.. I guess I'll have to tell her it's no go.

**Ralph**: That's right! It sure as hell is no go!

**Bill**: Alright, alright. Chill, bruh bruh.

**Maurice**: Aww, little Simon's up next.

**Jack**: You know, he's not really that much younger than us. Why do we treat him like he's five?

**Maurice**: I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST SEEMS NORMAL.

**Simon**: *smiling* Sure! I can be your little brother! I always wanted a sibling!

**Maurice**: Awww. He's just adorable.

**Simon**: *blushes* You're so nice! I don't really understand why I'm cute, but evidently I am! Thank you again! *smiles and blushes really adorably*

**Simon Fangirl #1**: OHMYGAWSH THAT CHILD IS MY LIFE.

**Maurice**: He is pretty adorbs.

**Bill**: I have to admit, Simon's pretty adorable.

**Piggy**: WOW. ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTED.

**Sam**: We get neglected-

**Eric**: -but we don't complain!

**Sam**: And either does the Lamp!

**Eric**: YEAH.

**Piggy**: *snivels* Geesh Twinsies, that was a little harsh.

**Roger**: Serves you right, Fatty.

**Jack**: HA!

**Ralph**: *still shocked from Bill* I can't believe you were selling me to your sister behind my back...

**Bill**: OH that reminds me! I told her friends that they could buy you with a couple Walgreens gift cards. I better tell them the bad news too.

**Jack**: We could seriously start a business with Ralph.

**Bill**: YEAH!

**Jack**: "SLUTS FOR SALE"

**Bill**: YEAH! LIKE MAGIC MIKE!

**Everyone else**: Magic Mike?

**Roger**: You watched Magic Mike?

**Bill**: It's a documentary!

**Roger**: Mhm.

**Ralph**: WAIT, a business on ME? I don't think so. I DON'T THINK SO.

**Piggy**: Now would be a very good time to leave.

**Simon: **CAN I TURN THE THING OFF?

**Piggy: ***sighs* Go ahead.

**Simon**: *turns thingy off*

**Darkness**: *is prominent*

**Roger**: *coughs*

**Piggy: **Simon, I think you hit the lights. Not the recorder.

**Simon**: Oops! My bad!

**A/N**: Happy End of the World! At least you can read one more chapter of Write Me a Letter before we all die. Woo. Okay, so update on _Lord of the Maurice_ is still pending. Writing it is harder than I anticipated. Mostly because so far, it has no real plot or anything. Woo for mindless smut.

Good news, I've decided to attempt something SERIOUS with an actual PLOT. WHAT IS THIS? I know. I can't believe it. And it's a girl-on-the-island fic too. It's going to be very dark with lots of blood and guts and death and sadness :D Woo. So hopefully I'll have the posted either today or tomorrow, so BE EXCITED. AND READ IT. PLEASE?

Thanks for all of your letters! Next chapter will be answering all 'non-question' letters (normal reviews, pretty much). Thanks for your support!

**BONUS CONTENT: **

**Roger**: *has tea*

**Maurice: ***looks at Roger's tea*

**Roger**: *is skeptical as he sips his tea*

**Maurice**: *scoots closer*

**Roger**: *scoots away*

**Maurice**: *scoots super close until he's right up against Roger*

**Roger**: *feels awkward*

**Maurice**: *licks Roger's tea*

**Roger**: *turns red*

**Maurice**: *vanishes*

**Roger**: What the hell.


	20. Magihcal Candi Mountain, Lamp!

**(A/N: So this one is going to work a little bit differently. The reviews will be posted and then it'll be like a mini, separate episode for each one. This format is ONLY for this chapter because I needed to answer all the non-question thingys. Alright, have at it! :D)**

* * *

**Waits minute di**

**-Guest**

**Jack**: Di what?

**Roger**: I think they meant 'did'.

**Jack**: Did _what_?

**Roger**: Probably 'did Ralph and Jack actually sleep together'.

**Jack**: *glares*

**Roger**: *sniggers*

**Jack**: Asshole.

* * *

**Jack's right. Roger is a total stud. And Emily, you better back off bitch. Roger's mine. *grins evilly***

**-Hammsters**

**Jack**: SEE? I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.

**Ralph**: ...said nobody ever.

**Jack**: ...said somebody obviously!

**Roger**: My fangirls are possessive. *thinks for a moment* I like them. *grins*

**Jack**: Hey...wait a minute...he's not a total stud...I'm just as sexylicious as him...

**Roger**: Obviously NOT.

**Simon**: Poor Emily.

* * *

**Aw, poor Maurice doesn't have any fangirls? It's okay Maurice, I'll be your fangirl. Goddamnit, I gots questions and I gotta hold 'em for the end. This sucks. But the story's great, so I guess I can bear it a little longer.**

**-Hammsters**

**Maurice**: YES! YES! I gainz fangirlz.

**Roger**: Maurice doesn't deserve fangirls!

**Maurice**: MAURICE DOEZ YEZ HE DOEZ.

**Roger**: Why do you talk like that? With all those z's and stuff.

**Maurice**: Because I can. *raises creepy eyebrow*

**Roger**: *backs away slowly*

**Simon**: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH she said a BAD word!

**Roger**: *shakes head* My god Simon...

* * *

**OH MY GAWD HETALIA! I EFFING LOVE THAT SHOW! IT'S SERIOUSLY MY CURRENT OBSESSION AND I NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK WHEN I READ THIS :D You seriously just made my day. And for a second, I thought Maurice called Roger Prussia, and I nearly had another heart-attack, because Roger's my favorite Lord of the Flies character and Prussia is my favorite Hetalia character, and oh my god the awesomeness if they combined. But my personal opinion is that, appearance-wise, hell yeah Ralph is Germany, but the personality is more Jack if you ask me. Wow I am rambling a lot here. Aaaaaaaaaaanywaaaaaaaay, I shall continue to next chapter**

**-Hammsters**

**Maurice**: YES. ROGER SHALL NOW BE PRUSSIA. END OF DISCUSSION.

**Roger**: But...I...I...I like Russia!

**Jack**: YES I CAN BE GERMANY NOW! ICH LIEBE DICH BITCHES!

**Roger**: You do realize that means 'I love you', right?

**Jack**: I thought it meant death to you all?

**Roger**: Idiot. No.

**Maurice**: *smiles awkwardly* Prussia and Germany are about to GO TO WAR.

**Bill**: *makes random explosion noises*

**Maurice**: BOOM! BOOM! BOOOOOOOM!

* * *

**Roger, you're my kind of guy. You like pizza, and you're fucking hot. All a guy needs. And yes, sadism is hot, but it's just you that makes it fucking SHMEXY! Love the story still, gonna keep reading**

**-Hammsters**

**Roger**: That's exactly right. Pizza plus my super hotness equals perfection.

**Jack**: Hey...I like pizza too. *is sad because nobody loves him anymore*

**Roger**: Yes but your face is disgusting.

**Jack**: But...but...

**Roger**: *back to review* And yes, as they say, it's not the sadism that makes the person, it's the person that makes the sadism.

**Maurice**: I thought it went, it's not the dress that makes the girl-

**Roger**: NO SHUT UP.

**Maurice**: Fine...fine...*secretly wishes he was a unicorn*.

* * *

**Aw, cute. I'm glad Simon has a fangirl, he deserves it. Simon, there is so much I gotta say to you but I'mma hold off to the last review (keepin' you all in suspense, mwahahaha!) catcha later homedawgs *tries and fails to be gangsta. Falls on face, cuz I'm gool like that***

**-Hammsters**

**Simon**: Aw! Thank you so much! Apparently a lot of people think I'm adorable. *smiles*

**Maurice**: *does awkward gangster piece sign* PEACE OUT HOMEDAWGS.

**Jack**: Oh god why...

* * *

**Roger, I'm deeply sorry. But you've been replaced because MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE IS MY FUCKING FAVORITE BAND EVER AND JACK IS NOW MY FAVORITE And Bill, you're cool cuz I PLAY THE CLARINET TOOO :D And thank god the bimbo's gone, I was sick of her. And thank you, I'm glad SOMEBODY has the guts to say how much one direction sucks**

**-Hammsters**

**Jack**: YES! I AM VALIANT!

**Roger**: Shut up.

**Jack:** I AM LIFE. I AM EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING SO WORSHIP MY TOES.

**Roger**: Shut up. I like My Chemical Romance too.

**Jack**: I AM THE LOVED ONE.

**Roger**: YOU ARE NOT!

**Jack&Roger**: *are bickering*

**Maurice**: One Direction is lyfe.

**Roger**: *stops bickering* Go die, Maurice. *continues bickering*

**Bill**: *has clarinet* Yeah. It is pretty...*does Horatio CSI thing with sunglasses* ...cool.

**CSI Theme**: YYEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

* * *

**Love this story. AND MAURICE I SHALL BE YOUR FANGIRL! I'LL BE REALLY GOOD AT IT AND EVERYTHING! Seriously, you're actually one of my favorite characters, but it's hard to make you a main character in stories. But you're always there, being the nice guy and saving people from suckishness. You're a cool dude Maurice, even if you have bad taste in music :D**

**-Hammsters**

**Maurice**: LET'S WRITE A STORY WHERE MAURICE IZ MAIN CHARACTER.

**Roger**: That would suck. You literally did nothing in the original story.

**Maurice**: I HELPED YOU CRUSH SMALL CHILDREN'S DREAMS.

**Roger**: Eh.

**Maurice**: I am a pretty cool dude-

**Bill**: Not like me, bruh.

**Maurice**: -and my taste in music isn't THAT bad. What, don't you like Ke$ha?

**Everyone else:** NO.

**Maurice**: BACK DOOR CRACKED WE DON'T NEED A KEY, WE GET IN FOR FREE-

* * *

**This was magical. But sadly I have no other comment for this review, but I've reviewed every chapter so far I think, so I"mma keep it up. Love da story, it's almost time for the most magical review ever!**

**-Hammsters**

**Sam**: It really is...

**Eric**: MAGICAL.

**Rainbows**: *are glittering*

**Bill**: How did you guys...

**Sam**: WE'RE GOING TO CANDY MOUNTAIN, LAMP.

**Eric**: YEAH, CANDY MOUNTAIN.

**Bill**: Oh shit.

* * *

**Oh god, this story is giving me so many different emotions. Yay! My favorite character (Roger) is being nice to my second favorite character (Simon)! Is it weird that my two favorite characters are literally at two opposite ends of the nice vs. evil specturm? Yeah. Yeah I guess it is...**

**-Hammsters**

**Simon**: That's not weird! Roger's always been nice to me...kind of.

**Roger**: Nope. Not really. But hey Simon, as long as I'm her favorite, I'll be your best friend for all I care.

**Simon**: Really?

**Roger**: Eh. Guess so.

**Simon**: LET'S GO ON A BUTTERFLY EXPEDITION.

**Roger**: What? Wait - WHAT.

* * *

**Aw, I understand you Jack. I think that in the end, even though you could be a bit of a douche, you were a better leader than Ralph and Piggy. Sorry Piggy, love ya buddy, but as good as your ideas were, you just couldn't lead. Even if Ralph gave you power, no one would've listened to you. THat's why it should've been Jack from the start. Then maybe Simon and Piggy would've lived. Aaaaaaaaanywaaaaaaaaays, this is a great chapter, Bill, I'm sorry about your furnitude, and I reaaally hope you update soon!**

**-Hammsters**

**Jack**: AH HA! A true believer!

**Ralph**: He's still a douche. *pouts* Meanie.

**Piggy**: Well, if you insist...

**Bill**: She's right about no one listening to Ralph. Because nobody did.

**Ralph**: Hey nobody even remembers you!

**Bill**: I'm a magical lamp now. That's way cooler than being remembered. I guess furnitude isn't so bad after all.

**Samneric**: ACCEPTANCE FINALLY!

* * *

**But...but...ROGER/ERIC IS THE ONLY SLASH PAIRING I LIKE :'-C You guys just broke my fragile heart. But, I'm seeing something seriously interesting here. Is anyone else picking up on a little Roger/Boulder. Cuz I think it's there. Oh, and GUESS WHAT RALPH. I DON'T HATE YOU ANYMORE! I HAD A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH ON FRIDAY! I now realize that Piggy is so much more annoying than you! My friends will be so proud! And excited that they don't need to find a psychologist for me! Roger's still my fave though :D :D :D ROGER FOREVAH**

**-Hammsters**

**Roger**: Well...I guess it's better than Rolph.

**Ralph**: *huffs*

**Roger**: And me and Boulder?

**Jack**: I can see that.

**Maurice** Yeah. You guys are around each other a lot.

**Roger**: *blushes*

**Ralph**: YES I AM NO LONGER HATED.

**Piggy**: FML.

* * *

**This is still some pretty awesome shit. Still gettin' the Roger/Boulder vibe, but not as strong as last time. This is awesome, please update soon!**

**-Hammsters**

**Roger**: I know not of what you speak.

**Boulder**: I do.

**Roger**: Please...you're a piece of igneous rock...how the hell would THAT work?

**Boulder**: *rejection HURTS*

* * *

**ROLPH.**

**MAH OTP.**

**I RIDE THIS MIGHTY CANOE THROUGH THE TURMULOUS WAVES OF FANFICTION, FIGHTING THE JALPH SEA MONSTER. I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP.**

**I WILL CLOSE MY EYES AND SURRENDER.**

**WE ARE THE FEW, THE PROUD. THE RAGER. **

**WE ARE THE DEFENDERS OF THE NIGHT AND RESIDE IN THE DARK CORNERS WHERE NO ONE NOTICES US. BUT SOME DAY, WE SHALL TAKE OVER. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA-**

***dies because her poor heart could no longer take it***

**-AzmariaHarmony**

**100reasonswhy: **Okay so this sort of really made my day. Feels, bro. ROLPH. WE ARE THE MIGHTY. THE STRONG.

**Roger**:BUT I DO NOT LIKE RALPH. HE'S SLUTTY AND GROSS AND...AND...

**Ralph**: OKAY ROGER. We get it.

**Boulder**: It's okay. I know how you feel.

**Roger**: *RESTRAINING ANGER IS FOR THE WEAK*

* * *

**Another awesome chapter, as always :) You always make me laugh :D**

**-LustForTheLetters**

**Jack**: *nods head* Thanks. We try our hardest.

**Maurice**: ...THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

* * *

**Hi everyone! If you're reading this then you survived the zombie apocalypse. Congrats! I love this story so much. Thank you everyone for answering questions! Oh! I have news! Maurice has been bumped up to my second favorite character (Sorry Simon, I still love you...in a platonic way of course.) Roger is still number one though!**

**-Painting Politics and Poland**

**Maurice**: YES. WE SURVIVED APOCALYPSE. YAY US.

**Roger**: And I was looking forward to feeding Maurice to the zombies...

**Jack**: Silly Roger.

**Maurice**: YES. I AM NUMBAH 2 NOW. SUCK IT SIMON.

**Simon**: Huh?

**Jack**: It's okay, you're still platonically loved.

**Simon**: What does that mean?

**Roger**: It means...ROGER'S STILL NUMBER ONE.

**A/N**: Thank you for all of your reviews! THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY! Be sure to catch my girl-on-island-story, _Crumble to Infinity_. You should check it out. Please? I'll give you a cookie? (:


	21. Piggeh Getz Married

**I LOVE YOU PIGGY**

**MARRY ME.**

**-kex**

**Jack**: Kex rhymes with sex.

**Ralph**: Why are you such a pervert?

**Jack**:Because, let's be honest, it's _me_ we're talking about.

**Maurice**: *nods* And he likes anything that moves!

**Jack**: *stares at Maurice*

**Ralph**: *stares at Maurice*

**Maurice**: What?

**Jack**: I do not like anything that moves.

**Maurice**: But you said you'd take anything to bed as long as-

**Jack**: NO! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

**Maurice**: *is creeped out* Alright...

**Piggy**: EVERYONE BE QUIET.

**Everyone**: *is silenced*

**Piggy**: *grins really creepily and turns head* Alright, you childish buffoons, today is MY day because I GOT A LETTER.

**Roger**: Oh god why...

**Jack**: I don't understand any of this.

**Piggy**: Who cares what you understand? Someone LOVES me and wants to MARRY me!

**Sam**: Maybe they meant-

**Eric**: -to say Ericnsam-

**Sam**: *glares* SAMNERIC.

**Eric**: *ignores Sam*-but they messed up-

**Sam**: -as they were typing.

**Roger**: Because Samneric is just so easy to mix up with Piggy.

**Sam**: IT COULD HAPPEN-

**Eric**: -IT COULD HAPPEN.

**Piggy**: STOP MAKING UP EXCUSES FOR MY GREATNESS.

**Bill**: So...what's your answer?

**Piggy:** Huh?

**Bill**: You gonna marry her what?

**Sam**: Oh brave Lamp, you know of everything-

**Eric**: In this new realm of humanity!

**Bill**: What?

**Piggy**: Well, I mean *blushes*, this is all happening so fast!

**Roger**: Oh boy..

**Piggy**: I feel like it was just five minutes ago that I first opened the letter, and now we're already talking about marriage!

**Jack**: For real?

**Bill**: So, you're...engaged, now?

**Piggy**: Well, I mean, I'm not quite sure...

**Ralph**: Piggy, aren't you-

**Piggy**: YES! MY ANSWER IS YES!

**Roger**: You sound like a girl.

**Boulder**: He's a pig. Pigs squeal.

**Roger**: BOULDER ALWAYS KNOWS THE TRUTH! *grins*

**Piggy**: CALL ME WHAT YOU MAY, IT HAS NOW BEEN DECIDED THAT I, NATHANIEL, SHALL BE MARRIED FOREVER MORE.

**Sam**: But you're-

**Eric**: -dead.

**Simon**: I think it's sweet!

**Jack**: THE DEAD CAN'T GET MARRIED MY GOD.

**Piggy**: WELL I SHALL!

**Jack**: WELL I SHALL MOVE ONTO THE NEXT LETTER. All this Piggy madness is hurting my head.

* * *

**is ralph gay**

**-daspartanreviewer**

**Jack**: Someone has finally recognized Ralph's true potential.

**Ralph**: I AM NOT GAY.

**Piggy**: I'M MARRIED.

**Roger**: SHUT UP.

**Jack**: Ralph's definitely gay.

**Maurice**: He likes Roger.

**Ralph**: This is FALLACY.

**Jack**: This is true!

**Maurice**: THIS IS SPARTA.

**Everything**: *is awkward*

**Maurice**: *is decked out in full Spartan clothes*

**Everyone**: *stares*

**Maurice**: What?

**Simon**: Where'd you get all those clothes from?

**Maurice**: Party-World! *snorts* Where else?

**Simon**: Oh...well it looks good!

**Maurice**: Thanks! I was thinking that Ralph can use it when we start our business!

**Ralph**: WHAT BUSINESS?

**Maurice**: You know..._that_ business.

**Ralph**: *seething* What on earth are you on about?

**Maurice**: Weeeeellllll...the business in which I CAN BE A PIMP.

**Ralph**: WHAT THE HELL NO.

**Maurice**: Bu...but...I already have my pimp outfits ready! See! *magically changes into pimp outift* Whatsup, bitches.

**Jack**: *sad* Why does he get to be the pimp?

**Maurice**: Because I'm Maurice. Bitches.

**Jack**: I want to be the pimp!

**Roger**: Why so eager, Jack? *grins*

**Boulder**: YEAH.

**Jack**: Because pimps are awesome!

**Ralph**: THIS IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.

**Maurice**: Shut up, bitch.

**Ralph**: I'M NOT ANYONE'S BITCH.

**Roger**: You're Maurice's, obviously.

**Ralph**: OKAY. THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.

**Jack**: I'm sorry?

**Maurice**: Bitch's opinion don't matter.

**Simon**: What's a pimp?

**Roger**: My GOD you are innocent.

**Simon**: I don't understand!

**Jack**: Alright, after we get our pimping business up and running, remind me to give Simon an in-depth talk on the basis of everything.

**Ralph**: THERE WILL BE NO BUSINESS.

**Piggy**: AND NO CORRUPTING SIMON.

**Roger**: Maybe he needs to be corrupted.

**Piggy**: I THINK NOT.

**Jack**: I think it's time.

**Piggy**: DON'T DO IT.

**Simon**: Do what?

**Bill**: Wait, Ralph's gay?

**Jack**: *ignoring Bill* I'M GIVING SIMON THE FULL TALK.

**Bill**: SINCE WHEN IS HE GAY?

**Ralph**: I'M NOT GAY. GOD.

**Jack**: READY SIMON?

**Simon**: For what? I AM SO CONFUSED.

**Roger**: It's okay, Jack will sort out your confusion.

**Maurice**: SICK.

**Roger**: ...

**Bill**: What?

**Maurice**: SICK!

**Roger**: Yes, mentally, you are.

**Maurice**: NO. SIMON AND JACK = SICK.

**Roger**: *thinks* Oh my god that's fucking hilarious.

**Jack**: NO! WE ARE NO SICK.

**Ralph**: Who's sick?

**Roger**: You probably, with STD's.

**Ralph**: I DO NOT HAVE STD's.

**Jack**: THEY THINK SIMON AND I ARE SICK.

**Sam**: With what?

**Eric**: Hopefully not the flu!

**Sam**: That's bad this time of year!

**Bill**: No, uncool people, sick is Jack and Simon pairings. Sick.

**Sam**: Jack and Simon pairings are Sick?

**Eric**: WITH WHAT?

**Sam**: *stares at Eric* WE SHOULD SEND THEM A GET WELL CARD.

**Eric**: BRILLIANT SAM.

**Maurice**: WHO'S SICK?

**Bill**: NOBODY'S SICK.

**Jack**: EXACTLY.

**Bill**: EXCEPT JACK AND SIMON. THEY'RE SICK.

**Ralph**: I'm so confused...

**Roger**: *casually sips on green tea* Don't stress your little blonde mind, Slut.

**Ralph**: *is really, really confused*

**Boulder**: *is also really confused*

**Jack**: SIMON AND I ARE NOT SICK.

**Sam**: GET WELL SOON!

**Jack**: NO!

**Bill**: Not THAT kind of sick, it's more like THAT kind of Sick!

**Eric**: I don't follow you-

**Sam**: -Lamp. You are being ambiguous.

**Bill**: Like, sick with a capital S, so it's Sick, which is a proper noun for Simon and Jack's names combined.

**Eric**: ...

**Sam**: ...

**Eric**: ...

**Sam**: ...

**Eric**: ...

**Sam**:...

**Eric**: So what are they sick with again?

**Bill**: *slaps his forehead*

**Jack**: THIS HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.

**Roger**: You're telling me.

**Simon**: *has fainted some time during this entire spiel*

**Sam**: SIMON REALLY IS SICK!

**Eric**: *gasps! GIVE HIM A CARD. QUICKLY. IT WILL CURE HIM.

**Sam**: *places crudely drawn get well card on Simon's head*

**Simon**: *does nothing*

**Eric**: OH MY GOD IT DIDN'T WORK.

**Sam**: HE'S DONE FOR.

**Bill**: EVERYONE NEEDS TO CHILL.

**Jack**: HOW CAN I CHILL, BILL?

**Maurice**: I FIGURED OUT WHY BILL IS COOL. His name rhymes with chill! DUH!

**Sam**: WHO IS THIS BILL YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT?

**Jack**: *points to Bill* Him.

**Eric**: *laughs* You guys are stupid.

**Sam: **That's a Lamp.

**Simon**: *still has not woken up*

**Piggy**: *has left because nobody was talking to him and Roger kept giving him creepy looks*

**Roger**: Can I go now?

**Jack**: NO!

**Roger**: I'm going. *goes*

**Maurice**: GUESS IT'S TIME TO PEACE OUT?

**Jack**: Guess so.

**Maurice**: CAN I-

**Jack**: No.

**Maurice**: JUST THIS ONCE?

**Jack**: No.

**Maurice**: JUST FOR A SEC-

**Jack**: NO.

**Everything**: *is silent*

**Maurice**: *sighs*

**Jack**: *waits impatiently*

**Maurice**: *taps table with fingers*

**Jack**: *is annoyed*

**Maurice**: *leans forward* Please?

**Jack**: *slams head on table* Whatever. Go ahead.

**Maurice**: YES. *turns to camera* THIS IS MAURICE, AND YOU'RE WATCHING DISNEY CHANNEL.

* * *

**A/N**: Thanks for your reviews! Oh my gosh, they seriously made my life! I cannot believe how many views this story has...WOW!

DON'T FORGET TO CATCH MY NEWEST FICTION, _Crumble to Infinity_! PLEASE? I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!

* * *

**Bonus Content**:

**Ralph**: *hides from savages in bush*

**Random-Female-Voiceover**: HEY KID! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN DANGER!

**Ralph**: *looks around* I...I am, I guess?

**Random-Female-Voiceover: **You look like you could use, ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY.

**Ralph**: What?

**Random-Female-Voiceover:** It eliminates all aspects of allegories from your life!

**Ralph**: *now looks pretty creeped out* What's an allegory?

**Random-Female-Voiceover**: For only one billion dollars, ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY could be yours! Here's a demonstration!

**Ralph**: I JUST NEED TO SURVIVE! I DON'T NEED-

**Random-Female-Voiceover:** *uses ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY on Ralph*

**Everything**: *is sprayed away because it's all symbolism and allegories*

**Simon**: *fades away again* MEEEEP NOOOOOOO!

**LOTF**: *falls into black abyss* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY!

**Island**: *disappears*

**Spears*** disappears*

**Roger's Name**: *also disappears...**psst**...it means spear...*

**Life as Ralph knows it**: *is gone*

**Ralph**: *is floating in a random white, blank space*

**Random-Female-Voiceover**: SEE? Now isn't that better!

**Ralph**: THIS IS HORRIBLE! WHERE...WHERE AM I? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?

**Random-Female-Voiceover**: It was an allegory for the destruction of innocence, so it was sprayed away.

**Ralph**: WHAT? BUT THAT'S MY LIFE.

**Roger**: *is now nameless* At least you didn't lose your name!

**Random-Female-Voiceover**: SO, IF YOU'RE BEING PURSUED BY HUNGRY SAVAGES AND HAVE NO WHERE TO TURN, CALL 1800-ALLEGORY-AWAY TODAY!

**Ralph**: NO THIS IS TERRIBLE!

**Random-Female-Voiceover**: THAT IS, 1800-ALLEGORY-AWAY TODAY!

**Ralph**: BUT MY LIFE HAS BEEN SPRAYED AWAY.

**Random-Female-Voiceover:** *sprays again*

**Ralph**: *disappears*

**Fini :D**


	22. Eric the Christmas Guru Of Life

**A/N: (I know this is out of order, but I'm skipping to this letter because it's holiday related, so it'd be awk if it was awkwardly answered in January or something. Haha. After this, I will return to going in order. PEACE OUT.)**

* * *

**Hi! In the spirit of the holidays, I want all of you to tell me your holiday traditions whether it be Christmas (presents, trees, maybe mass if you celebrate it that way, or maybe a movie and Chinese food), X-Mas (Shop and eat stuff 'til you're sick!), Festivus (The Festivus for the rest of us), or whatever else you may celebrate. **

**TODAY'S FESTIVUS! YAY!**

**-Painting Politics and Poland**

**Maurice**: YES! HOLIDAY TRADITIONS SHARING TIME.

**Roger**: Oh fun.

**Maurice**: *sneers at Roger* Oh Bahumbug!

**Roger**: Yep. Pretty much.

**Piggy**: Alright. *sighs* Who's up first?

**Maurice**: MEEEEE! OH LORD OF LORD MEEEE!

**Roger**: How about not.

**Jack**: Yeah. Let's not let Maurice go first.

**Maurice**: BUT PLEASE I MUZT-

**Roger**: How about slut goes first.

**Jack**: YEAH.

**Ralph**: What?

**Roger**: Slut, you're up.

**Ralph**: *is completely silent*

**Bill**: Awko.

**Roger**: SLUT, GO.

**Ralph**: I do not answer to that name anymore.

**Roger**: Alright, Maurice's Bitch, go.

**Ralph**: UNTIL YOU CALL ME BY MY PROPER NAME, I REFUSE TO GO.

**Roger**: FINE. FUCKING RALPH, GO!

**Ralph**: THANK YOU. *clears throat and returns to question* Alright, for Christmas

Eve, my family and I always go to a church service.

**Roger**: Praise be ho ho ho.

**Ralph**: What? *shakes head* When we come home, my mother lets us open one

present. Usually, it's pajamas.

**Jack**: When you stop believing in Santa, pajamas and underwear's all you get.

**Eric**: Santa's-

**Sam**: *lip wobbles* - NOT REAL?

**Bill**: Oh boy. You really did it now, Jack.

**Sam**: LAMP, PLEASE TELL US IT ISN'T TRUE!

**Eric**: SANTA HAS TO BE REAL!

**Simon**: Santa's not real?!

**Samneric**: I KNOW RIGHT WHAT THE HECK LAMP!

**Bill**: Children, children, quiet down. Santa's real if you really believe. It's all about faith.

**Jack**: ...Santa's not real, and if he was, he'd be Roger.

**Roger**: I do like crawling down chimneys...

**Ralph**: HEY!

**Everything**: *is stunned and silent*

**Ralph**: _Honestly_ - I wasn't done!

**Jack**: Shoot me.

**Roger**: Please.

**Ralph**: _After_ we open one present, we go to bed. And that's our Christmas Eve tradition :D

**Jack**: That's stooooooopid.

**Roger**: YEAH.

**Ralph**: Oh really? *raises eyebrow* How about _you_ tell us about _your _family traditions then, Roger.

**Roger**: *is uncomfortable* I don't want to.

**Jack**: *whispers* He hates holidays.

**Roger**: THAT'S NOT TRUE!

**Jack**: He does. He hates them.

**Maurice**: *in despair* BLASPHEMY! THAT IS BLASPHEMY TO THE GRAND HOLIDAYS!

**Roger**: I DON'T HATE THE FUCKING HOLIDAYS. I just don't..._like_ them.

**Bill**: What's not to like?

**Roger**: Maurice, for starters. *continues* My parents always invite a bunch of my weird relatives over. None of them have kids, so I'm always the youngest, and then my parents make me do a performance or play the violin or the piano or SING - It's just...

**Jack**: SINGING IS NOT BAD.

**Roger**: ...I don't get presents like Ralph or any church services.

**Maurice**: Aww. *sheds tear*

**Roger**: I get...

**Bill**: What? What do you get?

**Maurice**: YOU HAVE TO GET SOMETHING MY GRACIOUS OF GOODNESS PLEASE!

**Roger**: I get nothing - a slap in the face if I'm lucky, and that's only if I muck up my piano solo.

**Ralph**: I never thought I'd say this but...I really feel bad for you, Roger.

**Sam**: Yeah, sounds like-

**Eric**: -your life-

**Sam**: -sucks.

**Piggy**: I agree. You should probably kill yourself.

**Jack**: Piggy!

**Maurice**: WHAT THE FUCK PIGGY?

**Roger**: *smiles* Damn. He's just as sadistic as me.

**Piggy**: I AM NOT. MY GOD. *is pissed off*

**Roger**: *shrugs* Whatever. Enough about me. Jack, care to share about your holidays?

**Jack**: *forgets entirely about Roger's story and is now a prick again* Why, yes, I think I might. After church, we go home, and our cook prepares a grand meal - pre-Christmas feast, is what my mother calls it. Instead of opening just _one_ present, my parents give me my _biggest_ present on Christmas Eve. Last year, my daddy bought me Manchester United! But they're my least favorite team, so I made him take them back. *pouts*

**Sam**: Manchester-

**Eric**: -United?

**Sam**: *looks at Eric*

**Eric**: *looks at Sam*

**Samneric**: You must be rich.

**Jack**: Eh. Just a little. *snickers*

**Ralph**: *crosses arms* Show off.

**Maurice**: CAN I PLEASEEEEEE GO-

**Bill**: No. My turn.

**Everyone**: *waits*

**Bill**: *also waits*

**Piggy**: *clears throat*

**Bill**: OH, OH RIGHT! My turn! Sorry, I forgot. Okay, so Christmas day, we get up, and usually my parents only get me like one big thing, like an Ipod or some other cool technological device, and then we go to P.F Changs and eat.

**Simon**: You go to P.F Changs every year for Christmas?

**Bill**: Uh, yeah. Don't you?

**Jack**: I like P.F Changs.

**Bill**: Yeah bruh.

**Ralph**: So no traditional Christmas dinner?

**Bill**: Nah. My dad's actually Jewish, and my mom's Christian, so we sort of do Christmas in the morning and then...uh...well, don't do Christmas at night, I guess.

**Roger**: I didn't know that you're Jewish.

**Bill: **Half-Jewish, actually.

**Jack**: Cool beans.

**Bill**: *grins* Yeah. Pretty much.

**Samneric**: OUR TURN!

**Piggy**: *sighs* Fine. Go.

**Sam**: Our biggest holiday tradition-

**Eric**: -is this pickle ornament-

**Sam**: -our dad got from America-

**Eric**: -and every year-

**Sam**: -we take turns-

**Eric**: -hiding the pickle-

**Sam**: -in the Christmas tree-

**Eric**: -and on Christmas day after we eat lunch-

**Sam**: -everyone else-

**Eric**: -has to try to find-

**Sam**: -the pickle-

**Eric**: -and whoever wins-

**Sam**: -gets to hide it next year!

**Samneric**: *are fulfilled that they've shared this great pickle tradition*

**Jack**: Pickle ornament?

**Ralph**: That sounds...interesting.

**Jack**: And the only prize is getting to hide next year? No money?

**Sam**: *is confused* Money? Why would there be money?

**Jack**: BECAUSE WHAT'S CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ANY MONEY!

**Eric**: *deep-guru mode has been activated* But Jack, Christmas isn't about money or Manchester United. It's about being with family and sharing traditions-

**Piggy**: -or being generous. Me and my auntie give out free candy at the orphanage, and then we open presents and drink hot cocoa by the fire. Well...used to...before I died.

**Eric**: -Exactly! It's about loving and giving, not receiving trivial items, like football teams and pajamas. It's having something to share-

**Simon**: My daddy's an artist. He used to paint different portraits every year for Christmas, and at night, my mother would read me stories from the books I got for Christmas. I think that's what I'll miss most this year. Hearing her read to me.

**Everything**: *is suddenly sad*

**Eric**: *is happy that people are starting to realize the true meaning of Christmas* You see, Jack, it's about the traditions we _create_ at Christmas, that one activity that bonds us as a family. Whether it be going to P.F Changs or opening one present on Christmas Eve, or reading stories and drinking cocoa by the fire, or even hiding ornaments in the tree - it's about the love that brings us together. That's what Christmas is about.

**Piggy**: Couldn't have said it better myself.

**Jack**: *is mad at being made to look like a prick* OH YEAH? WHAT ABOUT ROGER? WHAT'S CHRISTMAS S'POSED TO MEAN FOR HIM?

**Eric**: It's a time where Roger is able to reflect on his inner conscience-

**Roger**: Lies. I have no conscience.

**Eric**: You do. It's there. Way under all that Rogerness stuff is a conscience, and on Christmas, when his parents remind him how much they hate him, he's able to see how human he truly is and appreciate the love of his friends, who would never treat him like that. Even when he ties them up and beats them with spears. *gives agitated look at Sam*

**Sam**: *shares agitated look with Eric*

**Roger**: *looks down*

**Maurice**: That's nice and all, but I never got to share my holiday traditions!

**Sam**: Go on, Maurice!

**Roger**: *does not object*

**Maurice**: Wellllll...It's kind of hard to explain, so I thought I'd show you! *flips a little switch*

**Switch**: *is activated*

**Room**: *lights up*

**Christmas decorations**: *are present*

**Presents**: *are also present*

**Everyone**: *jaws drop*

**Maurice**: *is a pretty proud person right now* I GOT YOU ALL PRESENTS. NOW OPEN THEM, I SAY! OPEN THEM!

**Jack**: No way! I got a knife! Just like the one I lost on the island!

**Ralph**: I got a lighter! *lights it and acts kind of like the fish with the bubbles in Finding Nemo* FIRE!

**Sam**: I GOT A NAMETAG THAT SAYS SAM! YES!

**Eric**: AND I GOT A NAMETAG THAT SAYS ERIC! YES!

**Samneric**: *can now be told apart*

**Simon**: Cool! He got me a lizard...ghost lizard, thingy. *has ghost-lizard*

**Ghost-Lizard**: Meep.

**Piggy**: Hot crossed buns! These are my favorite!

**Bill**: Sweet. Pink sunglasses. *puts sunglasses on* Coooooooooool:D

**Roger**: *stares down at gift*

**Maurice**: WELLLL?

**Roger**: *looks up at Maurice* You got me plane tickets?

**Maurice**: *smiles* Mhm. To the Caribbean.

**Roger**: Wh...why?

**Maurice**: Because you always say that you wish you could go back to the island. Even though you can't go back to _our_ island, you can at least go to _an_ island, and that's better than nothing.

**Roger**: *is speechless*

**Maurice**: I bought two, just in case you want to take a friend, like Jack or somebody.

**Bill**: Even though Ralph probably wants to go with Roger to an island. *winks*

**Ralph**: I do not! Please don't ruin this moment for Roger and Maurice!

**Roger**: *actually looks touched for once* You...you bought me plane tickets to an _island_ just because you _wanted_ to?

**Maurice**: Well, it is Christmas...

**Roger**: *smiles* You know what, that's actually...you're...you're actually okay, Maurice. Thanks.

**Maurice**: *faints because Roger was nice to him*

**Simon**: *is overwhelmed by all this pure goodness* I AM OVERWHELMED BY ALL THIS PURE GOODNESS! I'M SO HAPPY!

**Jack**: *is being a cocky git* So Roger, who ya gonna take?

**Boulder**: Me. Duh.

**Jack**: *glares*

**Roger**: Nah. *smiles* I think I'll take Maurice.

**Everyone**: *stares in disbelief*

**Roger**: *is suddenly defensive again* You know, just so he can't say that I owe him anything.

**Simon**: *smiles* Right.

**Piggy**: That was actually kind of nice.

**Simon**: AND NICENESS MAKES SIMON HAPPY! Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, everyone!

* * *

**A/N**: Daw. I had fun writing that, and hey, I threw in a bit of seriousness/drama/cuteness while I was at it! ROGICE. I mean...wut. Anyways, have a happy new year everyone! I finished The Long Walk and it was GREAT! Sad, though. I also finally updated _Lord of the Maurice_, so if you haven't already, check it out! _Crumble to Infinity_ - update will be coming shortly. New Year's party tonight so I'll finish the chapter as soon as I can :D Also...

Got an Instagram? Follow me! chloeeannabelle ! I may just even follow you back! (jk I will. PROMISE.)

Thanks for all your support! Have an awesome start to 2013!

* * *

**Bonus Content**: (these are from Chapter 17 if you want a reference)

**Male Voice-Over**: ...AND NOW, THEME SONGS!

_Roger: #1 Crush_

**Roger**: *to Jack (;* I WILL BURN FOR YOU...

**Jack**: Uhh...

**Roger**: FEEL PAIN FOR YOU!

**Jack**: You're a masochist too?

**Roger**: I WILL TWIST THE KNIFE AND BLEED MY ACHING HEART!

**Jack**: *suddenly puts his knife away*

**Roger**: AND TEAR IT APART!

**Jack**: Or we could just go hunting? :D

_Simon: Innocence, Safe&Sound, Over the Rainbow_

**Simon**: *sees Lord of the Flies*

**LOTF**: Whatsup boii?

**Simon: **THIS INNOCENCE IS BRILLIANT-

**LOTF**: Uh, sure thing, kiddo.

**Simon**: I HOPE THAT IT WILL STAY.

**LOTF**: Nope. Sorry.

**Simon**: JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES, THE SUN IS GOING DOWN.

**Sun**: *goes down* YIPPE!

**Simon**: YOU'LL BE ALRIGHT, NO ONE CAN HURT YOU NOW!

**LOTF**: What about me? I CAN HURT YOU!

**Simon**: COME MORNING LIGHT, YOU AND I'LL BE SAFE AND SOUNDDDD!

**LOTF**: LOL JK, you'll be dead.

**Simon**: SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW-

**LOTF**: Yep. That's where you'll be.

_Jack: We R Who We R_

**Ralph**: WHY ARE YOU A SAVAGE YOU DEVILISHLY HANDSOME PERSON?

**Jack**: GOT THAT GLITTER ON MY EYES!

**Roger**: It's PAINT my god.

**Jack**: STOCKINGS RIPPED ALL UP THE SIDES!

**Ralph**: That's a BAD thing Jack!

**Jack**: LOOKING SICK AND SEXYFIED!

**Ralph**: Uh huh. Right.

**Jack**: SO LET'S GO OH OH!

**Savages**: LET'S GO!

_Ralph: Lost?_

**Ralph: ***is hiding in bushes from savages* JUST BECAUSE I'M HURTING, DOESN'T MEAN I'M HURT...

**Piggy's Voice**: _You're going to die you foolish git!_

**Ralph**: DOESN'T MEAN I DIDN'T GET WHAT I DESERVED, NO BETTER AND NO WORSE!

* * *

**FINE :D**


	23. Dinosaurices

**Roger! Your always gonna be my favorite! I have a question for you, have you ever heard of Snow White's Poison Bite? They seem like a band you would like. **

**Everyone: Have any of you ever watched/heard of Fairy Tail?**

**Maurice: Your definitely my second favorite! I just don't love you as much as Roger.**

**-imamonster1221**

* * *

**Roger**: Thanks...what can I say, I'm pretty much the sexiest sadist alive. *flexes*

**Maurice**: Apart from Dexter.

**Roger**: Who the hell is Dexter?

**Maurice**: He's such a sexy sadist that he gets his own _television show_.

**Roger**: Oh yeah? Well I'm such a sexy sadist that I get my own _fandom_.

**Maurice**: So does Dexter.

**Roger**: *is pouting* Go to hell.

**Jack**: Aww, Roger wants his own t.v show.

**Roger**: Do not!

**Ralph**: I'd watch that probably.

**Bill**: *winking* I BET YOU WOULD.

**Ralph**: NOT LIKE THAT. It'd just be interesting to see how he copes in society!

**Roger**: YOU SEE ME EVERYDAY IN SCHOOL YOU RETARD.

**Ralph**: BUT...BUT...never mind.

**Maurice**: ROLPH.

**Ralph**: Shut up.

**Sam**: I thought-

**Eric**: -the bitch-

**Sam**: -couldn't talk back to-

**Eric**: -the pimp.

**Maurice**: *thinks for a moment* YEAH RALPH. YOU CAN'T TALK BACK TO ME...BITCH.

**Ralph**: I'M NOT YOUR BITCH.

**Piggy**: GUYS GUYS, settle down! We have-

**Everyone**: -questions. We know.

**Bill**: You only remind us every single fucking time, bruh bruh.

**Sam**: *scolding* Lamp...

**Eric**: No need to be sassy, Lamp.

**Bill**: I'm a lamp. I'll do whatever the fuck I want.

**Maurice**: Oooooooooohhhhh! BURN!

**Roger**: How about we all shut up?

**Everyone and everything**: *shuts up*

**Roger**: *grins* Better. Now, I believe I have the first round of questions. Am I correct, lardass?

**Piggy**: *sighs at Roger's incompetence* Yes, Roger. You're correct.

**Roger**: Wonderful. I have heard of Snow White's Poison Bite, but I actually haven't listened to them very much. My cousin really likes them, though. Bought me a t-shirt from one of their concerts a couple years ago.

**Jack**: Why does everyone think you like screamo?

**Roger**: I dunno. I like some screamo.

**Jack**: OH. Yep. I know all about that. You blast it in your room whenever I'm over.

**Roger**: Yep. Pretty much.

**Piggy**: Moving on.

**Simon**: What's screamo?

**Roger**: *slaps himself* JACK. I THOUGHT YOU GAVE HIM THE TALK ON THE BASIS OF EVERYTHING.

**Jack**: *whining* RALPH WOULDN'T LET ME.

**Roger**: RALPH!

**Ralph**: Simon's too innocent to be corrupted by Jack!

**Maurice**: *whispers to Bill, who is now his new biffle* Guess Ralph's not a Sick supporter, then.

**Bill**: *snickers back at Maurice, who is also his new biffle* Guess not.

**Jack**: I will give him the talk on the basis of everything..._including screamo_!

**Simon**: Alright! *grins* Sounds good!

**Roger**: His innocence...*falls to the floor* IT BURNS!

**Maurice**: KNEW IT!

**Sam**: Knew what?

**Maurice**: ROGER'S A VAMPIRE. LOOK AT HOW HE'S WRITHING ON THE FLOOR.

**Roger**: *is writhing on the floor*

**Sam**: Huh. Guess so.

**Piggy**: CAN WE FOCUS? My goodness, I think we all need to start taking group yoga or something.

**Roger**: *convulsions have stopped* Yoga? I don't think so.

**Maurice**: I heard that you fart a lot in yoga.

**Bill**: *snickers*

**Piggy**: GUYS! Alright...she wants to know if we've ever heard of Fairy Tail.

**Simon**: Fairytales? Like Cinderella?

**Roger**: NO. My goodness his innocence hurts me...

**Simon**: ...then what is it?

**Bill**: It is a Japanese manga series written and illustrated by Hiro Mashima. It has been serialized in _Weekly Shonen Magazine_-

**Piggy**: *furious* THAT'S RIGHT OUT OF WIKIPEDIA!

**Bill**: *embarrassed*

**Roger**: Geez Piggy, how did you know that was out of Wikipedia? Have you like memorized every freaking article out of the sight?

**Piggy**: *potently* Yes. Yes I have.

**Roger**: *owned*

**Jack**: PIGGY, YOU HAVE LIKE, NO LIFE.

**Piggy**: Whatevs. *back to question because he's a little overachiever* To answer your question, we haven't heard of it, but it looks really good-

**Maurice**: I IZ GONNA WATCH IT NOW.

**Piggy**: ...alright, Maurice.

**Simon**: Can I come, Maurice?

**Maurice**: SURE! WE HAVE FAIRY TAIL PARTAY YEAHHH!

**Boulder**: I like parties.

**Roger**: NO YOU DON'T.

**Jack**: Awkward Roulder problems.

**Roger**: I'M NOT WITH BOULDER...HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK?

**Boulder**: *REJECTION STILL HURTS*

**Maurice&Simon**: *are about to leave*

**Bill**: HEY! IT'S SAURICE!

**Jack**: Dinosaurice!

**Roger**: *finds this hilariously funny*

**Sam**: LAMP IS THE OFFICIAL-

**Eric**: -PAIRING NAME GIVER.

**Bill**: *puffs out chest* YES!

**Maurice**: Huh?

**Simon**: What was that about dinosaurs?

**Piggy**: WAIT MAURICE DON'T LEAVE YET!

**Maurice**: What is it?

**Piggy**: ...I'm going to regret saying this but...you're the second favorite.

**Maurice**: *does high school musical jump* YES! YES! I AM VICTORIOUS!

**Roger**: YOU'RE STILL NOT AS LOVED AS ME!

**Maurice**: I BEAT JACK AND RALPH AND SIMON!

**Jack**: Shut up. You're ugly.

**Simon**: That wasn't nice...

**Jack**: Shut up. You're ugly.

**Maurice**: Whatevs. I WIN!

**Roger**: No idiot, I WIN. I WIN.

**Maurice**: NO I WIN!

**Roger**: STOP IT!

**Maurice**: YOU'RE IN DENIAL!

**Roger**: DOUBT IT!

**Bill**: Aw Roger, just admit it. You love your fangirls.

**Roger**: *huffs* I never said anything about _loving_ anyone...

**Maurice**: I LOVE MY FANGIRLS!

**Bill**: C'mon Roger.

**Roger: **What are you on about?

**Bill**: ...

**Roger**: OKAY FINE! I...I _appreciate_ my fangirls.

**Jack**: Appreciate my ass.

**Roger**: ...what?

**Bill**: *cough* Rock *cough*

**Simon**: Maurice, can we go watch this now?

**Maurice**: Sure!

**Roger**: IT IS NOT ROCK!

**Bill**: Rock, rock, rock...rock had a sock...

**Boulder**: *is depressed because he loves Roger*

**Ralph**: Okaaay. I'm gonna go out watch that thing with Maurice and Simon.

**Everything**: *is silent*

**Jack**: *is secretly depressed that Ralph left*

**Bill**: *is grinning*

**Roger**: *is really pissed off*

**Boulder**: *JUST WANTS ROGER TO FREAKING HOLD HIM*

**Bill**: Hey...hey Roger.

**Roger**: What?

**Bill**: Rock.

**Roger**: You're just as annoying as Maurice now.

* * *

**A/N**: Thanks for all your reviews...WE BROKE 70! :D You guys are my favorites! :D


	24. Twinsies Meet Twinsies

**Dear Characters,**

**Me and my twin are writing this letter to you, I'm in love with Roger and she is in love with Simon. We have some questions i would like you to answer. My sisters questions are uppercase.**

**1) Roger: What are your favorite torture methods and next time you kill someone can you invite me? I would be honored to help you torture someone.**

**2) Jack: You are my second favorite character and if you weren't gay for Ralph(the slut) I would definitely date you if Roger denied me(I love Roger). YOUR HAIR IS GLORIOUS DO YOU DYE IT? Can you make Ralph sing C sharp?**

**3) Simon: I'm sorry you're dead, but I wish I helped kill you. SIMON I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE AMAZING. IN MY MIND YOU LIVE. WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE WHOLE 'BILL IS A LAMP' THING SAMNERIC HAVE GOING ON? AND TALK MORE. THAT'S AN ORDER. :D**

**4) Magic Lamp: CAN YOU TELL ME THE MEANING OF PIE? Do you think Roger will marry me?**

**5) Samneric: Are you into twincest?**

**6) Maurice, can you kiss Roger for me? (I want to see him kill you.)**

**7) Ralph: Are you jealous of Rock? DON'T LIE. YOU CAN BE HONEST WITH US.**

**Love(Mostly to Roger(AND SIMON)),**

**ThE mChAnSeNfFrEy TwInS**

**-McHansenffrey**

* * *

**Sam**: *in awe* More...

**Eric**: TWINSIES?

**Sam**: *looks at Eric*

**Eric**: *looks at Sam*

**Samneric**: WE HAVE MET MORE OF OUR KIND!

**Jack**: OI! OI! TWINCEPTION IS NOW OVER.

**Simon**: Aw, they're just excited to meet more twins.

**Sam**: TWINS!

**Eric**: TWINS!

**Bill**: Chill, bruh bruh. Yo Roger and Simon, you have fangirls.

**Roger**: *smirks* Of course I do.

**Simon**: Aw, that's awesome! :D

**Piggy**: *sighs* Roger, how about you start us off. I have an appointment at 4 with Vengeful Ghosts United and it's very important.

**Roger**: ...

**Ralph**: Vengeful Ghosts United?

**Roger**: Should I be concerned? Am I going to wake up one night with like twenty pissed off ghosts surrounding my bed?

**Piggy**: *smiles creepily* Nobody said anything about anything, Roger.

**Roger**: *is creeped out*

**Simon**: *shakes head* Oh Piggy, maybe it's time to move on.

**Piggy**: SHUT UP LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH MY GOD.

**Bill**: Chill bruh.

**Roger**: Geez. *glares at Piggy* What crawled up your arse and died?

**Boulder**: A BOULDER.

**Roger**: Boulder, that's disgusting. You are disgusting.

**Boulder**: *is upset because he cannot impress Roger*

**Roger**: Okay. I'm going to start now. *waits for someone to interrupt him*

**Everyone**: *does not interrupt him*

**Roger**: Alright then. What are my favorite torture methods? *grins* I like this question.

**Eric**: *wipes nose* I don't.

**Boulder**: I do.

**Roger**: Boulder, please. Be quiet.

**Boulder**: *is sad*

**Maurice**: *to his biffle, Bill* Poor Boulder.

**Bill**: He never even had a chance.

**Roger**: Well, on the island, my preferred weapon was the spear. It was nice, you see, because not only was I able to puncture skin, but I could also thwack people over the head. Eric could explain better, probably.

**Eric**: *sniffling in horror* First...he'd tie me up and hang me upside down from a tree, and then he'd tie Sam up and make him watch...

**Maurice**: ROGER YOU PERVERT!

**Roger**: LET HIM FINISH! My god, I never did anything like _that_, Maurice. Eric, continue.

**Eric: **He'd hit me in the back with the spear and then cut me all over, just enough to bleed, but not enough to kill.

**Roger**: If the littluns misbehaved, I'd dangle them over the cliff until they promised to listen to Jack. There were a number of ways I tortured people, but those were my favorites. Beating people with sticks and using their blood as warpaint was fun!

**Ralph**: ...sicko!

**Eric**: *balling* IT WAS TERRIBLE-

**Sam**: -I HATED IT!

**Jack**: It worked.

**Roger**: True that.

**Boulder**: Didn't...I mean, I helped you torture people too, didn't I, Roger?

**Roger**: Eh. Not really. You just smashed fatsos like Piggy.

**Piggy**: Meh.

**Boulder**: *CRYING IS FOR THE WEAK*

**Roger**: Back to my question...Yeah sure, you can come. We'll have loads of fun finishing off Eric :D

**Eric**: Wh...what?

**Roger**: Hmm?

**Eric**: *is mentally scarred for life my god he will never be the same. he will probably never have kids or get married and even if he does he will live a life of fear and most likely end up in a mental institution. he will die from a heart attack and he will never be able to be in the dark because he will always imagine Roger standing there with a spear*

**Piggy**: That was disturbing as usual, Roger. Thanks for that.

**Roger**: *tips head* Welcome.

**Jack**: Hey, now it's my turn, right?

**Piggy**: *sighs* Yes, Jack.

**Bill**: Jack's an attention whore.

**Maurice**: WHORE? JACK'S MY BITCH NOW AS WELL?

**Jack**: ...

**Bill**: Uh, sure, Whatever.

**Maurice**: LIKE A BAWS.

**Jack**: We will deal with this later. Back to my sexylicious self and my sexylicious questions.

**Maurice**: All of my bitches are sexylicious.

**Jack**: SHUT UP! *inhales and looks at letter* Second favorite? Why does Roger always beat me? HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE TORTURER IF I HADN'T LET HIM.

**Roger**: False. If you hadn't let me torture people, I would've killed you.

**Jack**: Oh.

**Roger**: Yes.

**Jack**: Huh. Well...anyway...I still should be first. I'm sexylicious.

**Maurice**: *makes awkward sexual noise*

**Jack**: Uh...yeah...*reads questions again* If Roger denied you...Ralph...slut...GAY?

**Maurice**: Naughty bitches. SAVE YOURSELVES FOR THE CUSTOMERS MY GOD.

**Roger**: Seriously guys.

**Ralph: **WE'RE NOT GAY.

**Jack**: I DON'T LIKE THE SLUT. He has...diseases.

**Ralph**: I don't!

**Jack**: You do you filthy little freak!

**Ralph**: No worse than that Hot Babe of yours that Roger smushed!

**Boulder:** Actually, I smashed the Hot Babe.

**Roger**: I threw you.

**Boulder**: *is pissed off because Roger rejected him*

**Jack**: Ho..how dare you speak illy of HOT BABE!

**Maurice**: HOT BABEH WAS MEH LYFE.

**Jack**: *sympathetically* Mine too, Maurice. Mine too.

**Ralph**: Right.

**Jack**: Anyway, so, I do not like Ralph, therefore it would be perfectly fine if you dated me instead of Roger.

**Roger**: She said she'd only date you if I rejected her.

**Jack**: What are you trying to say?

**Roger**: You're the back-up plan.

**Jack**: ...?

**Roger**: I'm her first choice.

**Jack**: ...?

**Roger**: YOU'RE NOT WANTED.

**Jack**: I don't like you anymore. You're mean.

**Roger**: You don't say?

**Piggy**: You're just figuring this out, Jack?

**Jack**: Shut up. *back to question* Anyways, I don't recommend loving Roger. He's...HE'S WEIRD.

**Roger**: Am not.

**Jack**: And yes, my hair IS glorious. It's all natural.

**Maurice**: My brother said there's a way to check if someone's a true redhead.

**Everyone**: How?

**Maurice**: You look at their -

**Jack**: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. We don't need to do THAT, Maurice. I am a natural redhead, though I've been contemplating dying it black.

**Bill**: Why? She just said that it's glorious.

**Jack**: *bitterly* Not good enough. Not good enough.

**Ralph**: He obviously wants to look like Roger.

**Bill**: Obviously.

**Jack**: Who said anything about that?

**Ralph**: You just randomly want to dye your hair black...?

**Jack**: YES!

**Simon**: I think it'd look good!

**Jack**: THANK YOU.

**Bill**: Hey...Jack...

**Jack**: What, Lamp?

**Samneric**: *EVERYONE IS ACCEPTING THEIR IDEAS*

**Bill**: I dare you to finish the question.

**Jack**: Okay. *finishes question* Well, I guess I could make him sing C sharp, but he'd need a lot of training. I mean he'd have to join choir, and even then, I doubt he can sing -

**Everyone**: *stares in shock*

**Jack**: -and compared to my choirboys, you know, I doubt Ralph can even hum a tune.

**Ralph**: ...

**Simon**: Ralph sings now?

**Roger**: No Simon. *grins* I think Jack misunderstood the meaning of the question.

**Jack**: Huh?

**Bill**: I think she meant...you know...

**Maurice**: *makes awkward kissing noises*

**Jack**: OH MY GOD.

**Bill**: JACK SAID YES!

**Jack**: I was confused!

**Roger**: I bet.

**Ralph**: This is the worst day of my life.

**Jack**: I DIDN'T MEAN-

**Ralph**: All have you know, I would never sing C sharp for him. So THERE.

**Jack**: That was rude. Who said you'd have a choice?

**Bill**: ...woah...

**Maurice**: JACK YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO RAPE MY BITCH.

**Jack**: I'M NOT RAPING ANYONE!

**Roger**: *has popcorn* This is great.

**Sam**: What's-

**Eric**: -going on?

**Piggy**: CAN WE MOVE ON. MY GOD YOU PEOPLE ARE WORSE THAN A BUNCH OF APES.

**Everything**: *is silent*

**Roger**: *is chewing popcorn*

**Piggy**: *glares at Roger*

**Roger**: *spits out popcorn at Piggy*

**Piggy**: THAT IS IT!

**Roger**: *hysterically laughing*

**Maurice**: LOL!

**Ralph**: Alright, let's just calm down-

**Piggy**: CALM DOWN? YOU TRY CALMING DOWN AFTER THAT FREAKING...FREAKING THING SPITS ALL OVER YOU! DISGUSTING!

**Bill**: Ralph would want Roger to spit on him.

**Maurice**: Rolph.

**Roger**: Will you shut up about that? Can we move on? Who's next?

**Ralph**: ...I don't want Roger to spit on me. That's gross.

**Simon**: Uhh...I think I'm next, Roger.

**Roger**: What? Do you need my permission or something? Go, answer the questions. My god.

**Simon**: Okay. *reads question* Thanks for being sorry about my death and uh, well, I guess killing me was better than it looked. Everyone seems to enjoy it.

**Roger**: I enjoyed it.

**Percival**: *slithers from under Maurice's shoes* Me too. I enjoyed watching Ralph with his sweaty back jabbing that spear into Simon...It was sexual.

**Ralph**: What?

**Jack**: PERCIVAL'S CREEPY. ROGER DO SOMETHING.

**Roger**: Percival go away.

**Percival**: *slithers back under Maurice's feet*

**Maurice**: Wut.

**Ralph**: That child really scares me.

**Simon**: He is a bit strange.

**Roger**: He's very strange.

**Simon**: *clears throat* Anyway, back to the letter...Aw, I love you too! You're pretty amazing as well! *ultra adorable thumbs up*

**Roger**: SUUUCK UP!

**Bill**: At least he loves his fangirls. You only appreciate them.

**Jack**: Roger's a douche.

**Simon**: I wish I did live. Being a ghost isn't so bad, but still...How do I feel about the Lamp? Well, I mean, I'm never the one to crush anyone's dreams, so if the twins want Bill to be a lamp, then I guess Bill can be a lamp. He can be whatever he wants to be and nobody should judge him for that :D

**Bill**: Lamp swag activated. Yeah biatches.

**Sam**: OUR LAMP-

**Eric**: -HAS GAINED-

**Samneric**: -ACCEPTANCE!

**Simon: **I really should talk more, but I feel like nobody listens to me.

**Maurice**: I'D LISTEN TO YOU!

**Roger:** Meh.

**Jack**: I'd probably listen to you...maybe.

**Ralph**: I'd listen to you, Simon!

**Bill**: Lamps don't listen to anybody, simply because they lack proper hearing organs.

**Simon**: ...okay. Thanks for letter! It made me really happy!

**Piggy**: Lamp, take it away.

**Bill**: Finally. The Lamp can shine...HAHA, GET IT?

**Maurice**: I GET IT. Bill made a funny.

**Bill**: I'm too funny. Can I tell you the meaning of pie? Well, that depends. Do you seek the meaning of pi, as in 3.14, or do you want the meaning of pie-pie, as in the delicately baked and jelly filled dessert our ancestors have loved for centuries? Aw hell, I'll tell you both.

**Sam**: THE LAMP'S WISDOM-

**Eric**: -HAS NO BOUNDS!

**Maurice**: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC LAMP!

**Bill**: Please, please, hold your applause. The Lamp has questions to answer. Now, the meaning of pi is simple. The numerical value of 3.14 is an estimation, which means that there's a lot of other...er...numbers, and the numbers go on forever. Therefore, the meaning of pi is INFINITY.

**Sam**: My mind is blown.

**Jack**: I could've told you that!

**Piggy**: It doesn't take a genius to know that 3.14 is a repeated decimal and has no end, Bill.

**Bill: **That is Lamp to you, peasant! Now, the meaning of pie is also simple: the delectable cream filling in pie is a supplement to happiness. That's why sad people eat pie.

**Roger**: Since when do sad people eat pie?

**Bill**: Have you ever watched _any_ chick-flics, Roger? They _all_ eat pie when their boyfriends break up with them. The meaning of pie is to create a false sense of happiness, and as that sugary filling is digested in the acidic center of your stomach, a false sense of happiness is conveyed, therefore avoiding the inevitable truth of reality. PIE IS BAD. IT'S LIKE A DRUG.

**Maurice**: ...woah.

**Sam**: Lamp, you are-

**Eric**: BEAUTIFUL.

**Bill**: To answer your next question, yes, I do think Roger will marry you. If you like torturing Eric just as much as he does, or possibly trying to kill Ralph, then he will definitely marry you. Mazel Tov!

**Roger**: Huh. Are you a psychic now too?

**Sam**: ROGER, THE LAMP KNOWS EVERYTHING.

**Eric** HE'S ALWAYS KNOWN EVERYTHING.

**Sam**: HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

**Eric**: HE EVEN KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

**Jack**: *is alert* He does? Oh shit...

**Bill**: And Jack has naughty thoughts.

**Jack**: What? WHAT?

**Everyone**: *stares*

**Simon**: Pervert.

**Maurice**: SIMON INSULTED SOMEONE!

**Bill**: This is a momentous day in history.

**Simon**: I just said pervert?

**Maurice**: TO JACK!

**Bill**: THIS IS CRAZY!

**Piggy**: Alright guys, calm yourselves. Twinsies, you're next. Go.

**Sam**: ERIC READ THE QUESTION I COMMAND YOU.

**Eric**: *grumbles to himself because Sam's a douche but nobody seems to get that* Are we into..._twincest_?

**Sam**: *looks at Eric*

**Eric**: *looks at Sam*

**Sam**: *disgusted* That's gross. He's ugly.

**Eric**: *also disgusted* And he's a cocky prick.

**Sam**: *glowers* He only showers every other day.

**Eric**: *repulsed* He wore the same underwear for three days in a row once.

**Sam**: He doesn't even work out.

**Eric**: As if _you_ do.

**Sam**: I DO!

**Eric**: Doubt it.

**Sam**: I do. I have abs.

**Eric**: Even if he _does_ have abs, he's my _brother_. That's gross.

**Sam**: Nasty.

**Eric**: I can't even imagine...

**Sam**: He's ugly. And we're related.

**Samneric**: Mum would kill us.

**Jack**: Well then, I guess that's that.

**Ralph**: Good to know you guys aren't attracted to each other...

**Simon**: *frustrated at being innocent* WHAT'S TWINCEST?

**Jack**: Simon...you and me today, four 'o clock, we're having a very long talk. Got it?

**Simon**: Uh...okay.

**Maurice**: I would make a sexual joke out of what Jack just said but I HAVE A QUESTION, AND THAT'S WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

**Roger**: What's the question?

**Maurice**: She wants me to kiss you.

**Roger**: GROSS WHAT? But you have Maurice germs!

**Maurice**: You don't want some of my Maurice germs?

**Roger**: Not really!

**Maurice**: Aw, she wants you to kill me.

**Roger**: Kiss me and I will. *has knife*

**Everyone**: *stares in awe*

**Roger:** What?

**Bill**: You asked him to kiss you.

**Roger**: Yeah, if he wants to die!

**Maurice**: BROMANCE KISS!

**Roger**: NOO!

**Maurice**: *leans forward*

**Roger**: *holds up knife*

**Simon**: *cuts in between* Guys, guys! We can't kill each other!

**Piggy**: Heh. Look at how that turned out the first time you tried to help them, Simon.

**Roger**: *is snarling like a dog*

**Maurice**: *still awkwardly puckered*

**Bill**: Simon's right, bruhs. The Lamp believes that we all need to chill out.

**Sam**: THE LAMP-

**Eric**: CONQUERS ALL!

**Bill**: Yeah buddy!

**Simon**: So, let's let Ralph answer his questions and move on.

**Maurice: **Aww. No bromance?

**Jack**: No bromance.

**Roger**: *is still snarling and now resembles a rabid raccoon*

**Bill**: *puts arm around Roger* It's alright, bruh. We gotta chillll.

**Roger**: I am chilled.

**Bill**: Chill more. You gotta be chill like Bill.

**Ralph**: Uh, can I go now?

**Simon**: Sure!

**Piggy**: Go ahead, Ralph.

**Ralph**: K. Hmm...am I jealous of Rock? Well, I can't say that I am -

**Sam**: DON'T LIE-

**Eric**: -YOU CAN BE HONEST WITH THEM!

**Ralph**: I am being honest.

**Bill**: C'mon, we all know you want Roger.

**Roger**: *looks like he's about to explode* I think the question was directed towards JACK, not me.

**Jack**: Nope. Definitely towards you.

**Roger**: You're the one who can evidently make the slut sing C sharp. The question is for you.

**Sam**: Actually, it's for Ralph.

**Eric**: *snaps fingers in a sassy fashion* MHM!

**Jack**: IT'S FOR ROGER!

**Roger**: JACK!

**Jack**: ROGER!

**Roger**: JACK!

**Sam**: RALPH!

**Maurice**: Are we doing this? Ok. We're doing this. BILL.

**Bill**: MAURICE!

**Simon**: SIMON!

**Everyone**: *looks at Simon*

**Bill**: Bruh, you're supposed to say someone else's name.

**Simon**: Oh.

**Maurice**: MAURICE!

**Roger**: *slaps forehead*

**Jack**: So Slut, are you jealous of Rock? DO YOU WANT ROGER TO YOURSELF?

**Roger**: He meant to say, do you want JACK to yourself?

**Ralph**: *looks incredibly flustered* I...I don't want anyone to myself...I just...I just want to go home now.

**Jack**: TOO BAD YOU HAVE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION YOU LITTLE SLUT.

**Maurice**: YEAH RALPH! YOUR PIMP SAYS SO...BITCH.

**Ralph**: Ok, A) I'm not a little slut, Jack. B) Maurice, you're not my pimp. C) I am not jealous of Rock. I think they're perfect for each other.

**Roger**: That's just gross. Jack is gross. And you are a slut, Ralph. Deal with it.

**Maurice**: And I'm your pimp. Bitch.

**Jack**: And I'm not gross.

**Simon**: Hey Roger, we're loved!

**Bill**: That's because you're sexy. Do you guys wanna come over and watch Magic Mike with me later?

**Roger**: *slams head on desk*

**Jack**: *gets up and leaves*

**Ralph**: *looks like he's going to vomit*

**Percival**: *crawls out from behind Bill's chair* I'll watch it with you, that is, if Ralph goes.

* * *

**A/N**: I have to admit, I had a lot of fun answering those questions. ROGICE. ROLPH. I mean...what. Hey, follow me on Instagram at **chloeeannabelle** . That is, if you have one :D

Thank you all for being such supportive readers! Feel free to leave more questions in that awesome little box at the bottom there :D


	25. Jack's Popping Narnian Parties

**Maurice, I love you! You're such a great character. Full of sass. I would've definitely joined YOUR tribe (if you had one). And we would teach me how to swim and would make necklaces together. :D Why are you so unloved?! And you Bill, being the coolest character...why are YOU unloved? **

**Gosh, Jack, I can't stand your constant PMSing and screaming... Therfore I find Ralph my second favourite. I could totally sympaphize with you, Ralph. We look the same, we act the same...you could've been my long-lost twin-brother. Seriously. But still...not as sassy as Maurice. Sorry. :(**

**And Roger...you're such a creep. ._. Do something about it. For a starter, stop being friends with the boulder. This relationship needs to end pretty quickly.**

**Simon, stay strong...Kinda feel sorry for you putting up with all those creeps. Same for you, Piggy. (Piggy I love you as well. I dig intelligence so much.)**

**((I love this fanfic, author! Keep on updating! :) ))**

**-Nora**

**Maurice**: *with exaggerated lisp* WATSUPPP, GURLLLL?

**Bill**: HOW YOU DOINGG?

**Jack**: Stop trying to be gangster. It's a horrible look for you tards.

**Bill**: The Lamp does not appreciate your tone.

**Simon**: The Lamp has a point.

**Piggy**: Alright, let's-

**Sam**: -answer questions.

**Eric**: We know, Piggy.

**Samneric**: That's all you ever say.

**Maurice**: *is happy* TWINCEPTION!

**Piggy**: *mocking Maurice's tone* GET ON WITH IT.

**Maurice**: *pouts* Fine, fine. *reads question* I LOVE YOU TOO! I LOVE MY SASS! I'M SASSY!

**Roger**: Oh boy.

**Ralph**: Get ready for a Maurice freak out.

**Maurice**: You know, I really should've had my own tribe. I mean, now I'm a pimp, but back then, I would've been a sick Chief. My tribe would've been AWEZUM.

**Ralph: **Right. Awezum.

**Jack**: *is extremely angered by this sentiment* ALL HAVE YOU KNOW, MY TRIBE WAS THE BEST FREAKING TRIBE EVER. WE HAD PARTIES, AND HUNTING TRIPS, AND FACE PAINT, AND...ERM...AND...PARTIES!

**Bill**: I must admit, those parties were quite popping.

**Sam**: That is true-

**Eric**: -Lamp.

**Ralph**: *disgusted at his biffles* WHAT? They took you against your will and you claim that you enjoyed their _parties_?

**Sam**: *shrugs* What? They were popping.

**Eric**: And crazy.

**Bill**: Someone always ended up drunk, which is kind of weird, because we had no alcohol.

**Jack's tribe**: *are puzzled by this theory*

**Jack**: Huh. That is weird.

**Maurice**: *shakes head because my god Jack is annoying* Who cares? My parties would be even more POPPING.

**Bill**: *gasps* Maurice! Do you even know what you're saying?

**Sam**: Jack's parties are the most-

**Eric**: -popping parties in all of-

**Samneric**: -NARNIA!

**Roger**: ...Narnia?

**Sam**: YES.

**Eric**: NARNIA!

**Jack**: ...I think the twins have location confusion.

**Sam**: Nonsense!

**Maurice**: *offended because Narnia is HIS crib* MY parties would be popping -even in Narnia AND Terabithia - simply because I'd have STREAMERS and BALLOONS.

**Simon**: *gasps* Streamers and balloons! Jack, that's pretty hard to beat!

**Bill**: *is impressed* I'll say!

**Jack**: THIS IS RUBBISH. How can you party in both Narnia _and_ Terabithia?

**Maurice**: Because I'm the party god.

**Sam**: Oooohhhhh-

**Eric**: -buuurnnnn!

**Jack**: *mumbling* This isn't over, Maurice!

**Maurice**: Uh huh. *back to letter* Eh hem. Anyway - OOH, YES! I WOULD TEACH YOU TO SWIM AND WE COULD MAKE NECKLACES OUT OF THE SHATTERED CONCH SHELL TOGETHER! *with tears* Finally, someone GETS me!

**Piggy**: Hey! You're no allowed to use my conch shell to make necklaces!

**Maurice**: *has floaties and a necklace making kit* See, look - I already have everything. When we're not partying, we can also make sand castles and have races down the beach and pretend we're pirates or thieves or mermaids-

**Jack**: Mermaids?

**Maurice**: We'd have so much fun! And then we could- *sees rest of letter* -UNLOVED? I'M UNLOVED? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS HORRIBLE FATE OF DEATH?

**Simon**: At least she loves you-

**Maurice**: UNLOVED? OTHER PEOPLE DON'T LOVE ME?

**Roger**: Not really. You're annoying.

**Simon**: He's not THAT annoying.

**Maurice**: WHY DO PEOPLE LOVE JACK AND ROGER AND RALPH AND NOT ME? THEY'RE NOT EVEN FUNNY. JACK STILL TELLS KNOCK KNOCK JOKES AND ALL RALPH DOES IS COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING A SLUT.

**Ralph**: Hey! I do not! And I'm not a slut!

**Jack**: *hurt* Y...you don't like my k-knock knock jokes?

**Maurice**: I told knock knock jokes when I was like, in my mom's womb.

**Jack**: BUT YOU ALWAYS LAUGH.

**Maurice**: Just because I'm a nice guy and I really don't want to hurt your feelings.

**Jack**: B-b-but!

**Maurice**: Sorry.

**Bill**: Hey - she's got a good point! I'm obviously the coolest character, bruh bruhs, so why don't I ever get any love? Why is it always Roger or Jack or Ralph or those losers?

**Ralph: **I'm not a loser.

**Bill**: Compared to me, everyone's a loser.

**Maurice**: I know! Roger's creepy - why does he have so many...

**Everyone else**: DON'T SAY THE WORD!

**Maurice**: Huh?

**Piggy**: The f word! Don't say it!

**Maurice**: Flippant?

**Piggy**: Well that too, I suppose, BUT NO THE OTHER F WORD.

**Maurice**: Fire?

**Ralph**: *is now behaving like the squirrel in Ice Age* Fire? FIRE? FIRE WHERE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD FIRE GIVES ME AN ORGASM WHAT FIRE

**Piggy**: *slaps his face* Okay, don't say _that_ F word either- but no, the other one!

**Maurice**: Fuck?

**Piggy**: NO!

**Maurice**: *whining* Can't you just tell me?

**Everyone**: NO!

**Jack**: Then _they'll_ come...

**Maurice**: WHO?

**Simon**: Know you know how I feel when nobody explains anything to me!

**Jack**: _THEM_!

**Maurice**: WHO?

**Everyone**: THE PEOPLE!

**Maurice**: You mean the fangirls?

**Jack Fangirl**: Jack, I'd take your meat any day.

**Ralph Fangirl**: Baby, you could keep my fire burning all night long.

**Roger Fangirl**: Go ahead and hunt me, I dare you.

**Maurice Fangirl**: LET'S MAKE COOKIES.

**Simon**: What just happened?

**Jack**: *whispers* They came..._they came..._

**Ralph**: Oh my god oh my god oh my god...

**Piggy**: Can we move on? Jack, please, you're next.

**Jack**: *snaps out of terrified daze* Well, of course I am, after all I am a sex god - WHAT? I do NOT pms and I do NOT scream! Well...maybe sometimes...BUT I DON'T PMS. THAT'S FOR GIRLS. GIRLS LIKE RALPH.

**Ralph**: Hey!

**Jack**: WHAT DO YOU MEAN RALPH'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE? HE'S A SLUT. I'M WAY SEXIER. AND PRETTIER TOO. AND HANDSOMER. AND HOTTER. AND MUCH BETTER AT THROWING PARTIES. AND I MAKE BETTER CAKES. AND I CAN SING C SHARP!

**Roger**: Dude, that whole C sharp thing is never going to win you any argument.

**Jack**: SHUT UP. I'M NOT FINISHED RANTING-

**Piggy**: Jack's turn is finished. Ralph, you're up.

**Jack**: BUT I-

**Ralph**: Hey, I'm happy to be your second favorite, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who notices Jack's random freak outs. *glares at Jack*

**Jack**: I'm not the one who jizzes over fire.

**Ralph**: I'm going to choose to ignore that, Jack. Anyways, thanks for sympathizing with me. Not many people do. In fact, most people either wanted me to die or be raped, which is odd, because both of those sound horrifying.

**Jack**: Rape? Why would anybody...you're a slut.

**Ralph**: *is now red* SHUT UP JACK.

**Jack**: Aggravating him is such fun.

**Ralph**: ANYWAY, he's beside the point. Geez, maybe I am your long lost twin brother. We do sound pretty...in sync.

**Sam**: RALPH HAS A-

**Eric**: -TWINSIE?

**Sam**: *stares at Eric in awe*

**Eric**: *stares at Sam in awe*

**Sam**: RALPH JUST GOT-

**Eric**: -A WHOLE LOT COOLER.

**Sam**: I BET YOU HAVE TWINCEPTION TOO.

**Eric**: WE HAVE TO INDUCT HIM INTO THE NATIONAL TWIN SOCIETY.

**Piggy**: They _have_ that?

**Sam**: *snorts* Duh. But it's only for twinsies.

**Ralph**: ...Right.

**Jack**: I really feel sorry for you if you act like Ralph. He's a pansy.

**Ralph**: Stop insulting people you don't know!

**Jack**: Ah ha, Ralph! Silly! But I _do_ know you!

**Ralph**: But you-

**Jack**: Shh, shh...

**Maurice**: LOL, you're still not as sassy as me, Ralph!

**Bill**: RALPH SUCKS.

**Ralph**: Maybe I don't want to be sassy.

**Roger**: Maybe he wants to be slutty.

**Ralph**: *glares* Go die.

**Roger**: *holds hands up*I think that's _your_ job, Slut.

**Boulder**: YEAH.

**Roger**: Boulder, you're so not in this anymore. You're lame now.

**Boulder**: *NOBODY LOVES THE BOULDER OF DEATH ANYMORE*

**Roger**: *reads his letter* Hey, I'm not _that_ creepy.

**Simon**: You are kind of creepy...just a bit.

**Roger**: I am not creepy. And what exactly do you propose I _do_ about my creepiness? I don't think they make anti-creepy meds.

**Jack**: Actually, I think they do. My dad calls them 'happy drugs'.

**Maurice**: THEY SOUND FUN. I WANT SOME.

**Piggy**: You have to get a prescription, Maurice.

**Maurice**: I WANT ONE!

**Roger**: Maurice, you're an idiot. Back to my questions - Who ever said I was friends with the Boulder?

**Ralph**: Uh, you did.

**Roger: **Like forever ago. We're not friends anymore. He's lame.

**Boulder**: Roger, that wasn't very-

**Roger**: His igneous rock has really lost its shine, and quite honestly, he's not nearly as threatening as he used to be. He's softened up.

**Boulder**: THAT IS IT, ROGER. I AM SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT. All have you know, I graduated top of my class in Chuck Norris Elitists, and since then, I've been involved in the founding of Boulderism. My fucking cousin Marco was used in Michelangelo's _David_, and I was formed in the fucking explosion of Pompeii. I was then moved to Mt. Everest where I learned of my mountain cousins, the Bouldists, who taught me how to crush peacefully. In the 60's I came to face to face with the Beatles who taught me how to rock and roll. And then you, you spindly little piece of shit, you think I'm _lame_? After all those of conspiring killing Jack and Piggy and every else so we could have the island to ourselves, you dare call me _lame_? You little bitch, I'm getting my buddies on you know. I'm going to obliterate you just like I obliterated that fat kid and that hot chick, and it's gonna hurt. I'm gonna roll you out like a pathetic piece of pizza dough, and then I'm gonna sell your insides to your fangirls to harvest and treasure. You're gonna pay, kid. And I'm not even made of fucking igneous rock...I'm metamorphic.

**Bill**: ...woah.

**Roger**: You totally caught me off guard. I was not expecting that.

**Jack**: What was that about conspiring my death?

**Ralph**: WAY TO GO BOULDER!

**Roger**: I...I don't know what to say.

**Boulder**: A fucking apology might be nice.

**Roger**: Anything else but an apology. I don't apologize.

**Boulder**: Whatever. Meet you in hell. *rolls away* WAIT. *rolls back* Just so you know, your dad's rock collection might be a little angry tonight. *rolls away*

**Roger**: That was weird.

**Jack**: *is still upset* He was joking about killing me, right? You were never planning on doing that with Boulder, were you?

**Piggy**: Uh...can we move on?

**Roger: **Sure.

**Piggy**: Uhhh...Simon?

**Simon**: Oh, right! My turn now! Don't worry, I'll stay strong! They're not as bad as they seem.

**Piggy**: And hey, I love you too! Intelligence is ebbing away fast from this generation, and it's a hard thing to witness. Bare with us.

**Maurice**: *makes ridiculous peace sign* PEACE OUT HOMEDAWGS.

**Piggy**: ...

**A/N**: Heh. That was fun. Boulder's speech was an extremely weak spin off of the "I graduated top of my class..." thing on the Internet.

My brother does this hilarious Maurice impression. I kind of want to video it and put it on YouTube. It's freaking hilarious.

_Crumble to Infinity_: Update is literally on its way. I had to focus on my original fiction for a while, so yeah...But the update is coming soon :D

Feel free to leave more letters :D (You know Maurice loves them.)


	26. Huggles?

**Dear Idiots, slight idiot (Simon) and Piggy,**

**I apologize, Piggy, for calling you that dreaded nickname but pigs are cute an adorable and since your my absolute favorite character...you must have a cute and adorable name. On with the questions:**

**Jack: Why are you such a douche? I mean...I'd probably would've been a big fan if you weren't such an asshole especially to Piggy. Seriously, without Piggy on that island you wouldn't have been able to hunt because...well...you'd be dead. So, seriously, why are you a douche?**

**Roger: Your a douche too...and I want to hate you...but the whole torture thing is hot sadly...effin' sadist. Anyways, would you rather kill Sam or Eric?**

**Samneric: Can you guys read minds? If so, you're awesome...if not, go to hell.**

**Ralph: Who would you rather do...Jack or Roger?**

**Simon: Why is Piggy your least favorite? You were one of his only friends and you turn your back on him like that! You outta be ashamed of yourself, prick. **

**Piggy: On the island, since Ralph was leader and he practically did everything you suggested...why didn't you control the group by using him? Everybody would have been better off if you manipulated Ralph to do whatever you wanted.**

**Maurice: Huggles?**

**Toodles,**

**-BloodxForxMyxRose**

**Maurice**: ...I'm not an idiot.

**Jack**: Idiot? WHO DARES CALL ME AN IDIOT?

**Piggy**: *grinning* Once again, I am triumpha-

**Jack**: WHO DARE QUESTION MY INTELLIGENCE?

**Simon**: Slight idiot? *scratches head in confusion*

**Roger**: Ralph's an idiot.

**Ralph**: *is sad* Why do you guys pick on me?

**Piggy**: ENOUGH, you impertinent little barnacles! By the way, don't worry about the nickname...I suppose I've grown used to it. And thank you - I do believe I am the most LOGICAL character...I don't quite understand why anyone would like the rest of those bumbling fools...well, except for Simon. He is pretty adorable, I must admit.

**Simon**: *sniffling* I-I'm a slight idiot.

**Roger**: Pigs are not cute. *takes vicious bite of random pork chop* PIGS ARE FOR ROGER. PIGS ARE FOR ROGER TO EAT.

**Bill**: Okay Roger, calm down.

**Jack**: *is busy reading his question* HEY. I AM NOT A DOUCHE. THIS IS BIAS BECAUSE OF PIGGY.

**Ralph**: No, you are a douchebag.

**Sam**: Yep. She got you-

**Eric**: -spot on.

**Jack**: I was only an asshole to Piggy because he was so damn ANNOYING.

**Piggy: **I WAS NOT ANNOYING. I was logical!

**Jack**: *makes Spongebob rainbow* NOBODY CARES.

**Percival**: *slithers out from Bill's backpack* I CARE. I CARE ABOUT RALPH.

**Ralph**: ASIFJIOE GO AWAY!

**Piggy**: Percival, honestly...

**Percival**: *slithers back into Bill's backpack*

**Bill**: Dafuq. Why is there a child in my bag?

**Maurice**: CREEP! BILL IS A CREEP!

**Jack**: WAIT A MINUTE - I SENSE FALLACY! We so could've lived without Fatty on that island! He didn't do anything with hunting. We would've hunted anyway regardless of whether he was there.

**Piggy**: Pfft. Right.

**Jack**: What did you do that helped our hunts?

**Roger**: *is enthused by this* YEAH.

**Piggy**: I helped keep order!

**Roger**: ...which literally has nothing to do with hunting.

**Piggy**: Roger, it's not even your turn, so shut up!

**Jack**: HEY! Don't be mean to Roger!

**Roger**: Chill Jack. I'm a big boy. I can handle myself.

**Maurice**: OBVS NOT.

**Bill**: You just got SERVED on a PLATTER.

**Maurice**: DAYUM.

**Roger**: ...can you shut up? Who's turn is it?

**Simon**: It's still Jack's.

**Roger**: Alright then, Jack. Continue your rant.

**Jack**: *continues rant* WE WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEAD. AND I AM NOT A DOUCHE. END OF STORY.

**Ralph**: You are a bit of a douche...

**Jack**: I am not!

**Ralph**: Just a bit...

**Jack**: LIES, LIES!

**Ralph**: A tad bit of a douche...

**Jack**: OKAY FINE. MAYBE I'M SLIGHTLY A DOUCHE - BUT THAT'S ONLY UNDER EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES.

**Piggy**: Mhm. You keep telling yourself that, pretty boy.

**Jack**: YOU CAN'T CALL ME PRETTY BOY. THAT'S AN INSULT I USE ON RALPH.

**Simon**: Pretty boy?

**Maurice**: I don't get it. You're calling him pretty.

**Piggy**: CAN WE MOVE ALONG?

**Roger**: Sure. Can I go now?

**Piggy**: *sighs* Go ahead.

**Roger**: Good. *reads his letter and, once again, spits out random tea* Me, a douche? Never.

**Boulder**: Pff. Right.

**Roger**: Shut up, Boulder. Now, back to my letter...you want to hate me? Go ahead. Nothing wrong with a little hatred here and there.

**Boulder**: *is crying because nobody listens to him* GO TO HELL.

**Maurice**: I think Boulder and Roger have broken up.

**Bill**: SO SAD.

**Roger**: Yet once again, for whatever fucked up reason, my sadistic sauciness has won over another person. Yes, that's right. I'm hot. Why? Because I like to hurt things.

**Ralph**: That doesn't even make sense.

**Roger**: I know.

**Things**: *are awkward*

**Roger**: Anyway...*reads question* Would I rather kill Sam or Eric?

**Sam**: Wh-

**Eric**: -at?

**Roger**: Well, Eric would be easier to kill, simply because I think I've mentally scarred him enough to make him weak.

**Eric**: *is blushing* THAT IS NOT TRUE.

**Roger**: Sam - I'd have more fun with him. I didn't really get to torture him much on the island, so that'd be a little...fresher.

**Jack**: So uh...who do you choose?

**Sam**: I WOULD NOT BE 'FRESHER', YOU CRAZY SADIST!

**Roger**: Can I just kill them both?

**Piggy**: NO. PICK ONE.

**Roger**: *huffs* Fine. I'd kill Sam.

**Sam**: WHAT? WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?

**Maurice**: It's because of...er...Rogic?

**Bill**: YEAH. Ooooooooh! *chanting* Roger spared Eric! Roger spared Eric! Roger spared Eric!

**Sam**: *is crying*

**Eric**: *is also crying because Sam is life and without Sam there is only darkness O.o*

**Roger**: I only spared Eric because he's already been tortured and crap.

**Jack**: Right.

**Bill**: ROGIC LOGIC FOR LIFE GUYS.

**Maurice**: THEY'RE SO CUTE.

**Roger**: I don't understand...

**Eric**: PLEASE DON'T KILL SAM PLEASE!

**Sam**: BUT DON'T KILL ERIC EITHER PLEASE JUST-

**Samneric**: -DON'T.

**Piggy**: This is pitiful.

**Roger**: Look at them. Begging. Like dogs.

**Ralph**: Roger, you are one fucked up guy.

**Simon**: Can we please move on? This is breaking my heart.

**Samneric**: *are clinging onto each other like the other might spontaneously explode*

**Bill**: ROGIC.

**Ralph**: Not the time, Bill.

**Simon**: *leans over to twinsies* Hey, guys, I know something that will cheer you up!

**Roger**: *rolls eyes* Fucking wimps...

**Sam**: *looks up* You...

**Eric**: ...do?

**Simon**: Yeah! You guys have questions!

**Sam**: *is still clutching Eric* We...

**Eric**: *is still clutching Sam* ...do?

**Simon**: Yeah! *passes letter* Here!

**Sam**: *reads* Can we read minds?

**Eric**: If not...

**Samneric**: ...then go to hell.

**Sam**: ...I'm a sad twinsie today.

**Eric**: Me too.

**Samneric**: *are in catatonic state of morbid reality*

**Jack**: So...uh, can you guys read minds?

**Sam**: Twinception does not work that way.

**Eric**: I read his mind.

**Sam**: And I can read Maurice's mind.

**Samneric**: But that's it.

**Maurice**: You...you can read my mind?

**Piggy**: Wut.

**Sam**: Yeah.

**Maurice**: H-how?

**Sam**: I dunno. How is the Lamp so magical?

**Maurice**: Hmmm...good point, good point.

**Jack**: I don't believe you guys.

**Sam**: Do you need proof?

**Jack**: Of what?

**Samneric**: *cue sparkly things in eyes* OUR AWESOME ABILITIES!

**Jack**: Uh-

**Sam**: MAURICE - you are currently thinking about FISH TACOS.

**Maurice**: H-how did you know?

**Sam**: AND THROWING A POOL PARTY.

**Maurice**: WHAT THIS IS INCREDIBLE THIS TWIN IS CRAY

**Sam**: *holds fingers up to head and does like psychic _zinga_ noise* AND HUGGING ROGER.

**Roger**: What?

**Maurice**: Heh...that's embarrassing.

**Sam**: *smiles* Don't worry. I've heard you think of a lot more embarrassing things than that.

**Maurice**: *is now horrified* Y-you have?

**Sam**: :D

**Ralph**: Ooooookay.

**Roger**: What was that about me?

**Boulder**: *now hates Maurice because DAMN HIM HOW DOES HE ACQUIRE ROGER'S ATTENTION SO EASILY MY GOD*

**Sam**: *twisting fingers* So uh...are we awesome?

**Eric**: She said that were are-

**Sam**: -only if we read minds-

**Eric**: -which we kind of sort of do kind of.

**Jack**: *in a Dora the Explorer like fashion* Why don't you ask the audience?

**Sam**: AUDIENCE! Do _you_ think we're awesome?

**Room&Everyone**: *extremely prolonged silence in which the audience answers to themselves*

**Sam**: *answering to what should be the right answer to his question what* GREAT!

**Jack**: Alright. That's that, I guess.

**Maurice**: OH RALPHY BOY YOU'RE NEXT.

**Bill**: Tubular.

**Jack**: What?

**Bill**: It's an 80's thing.

**Roger**: Hipster.

**Ralph**: Can I go now?

**Jack**: Uh, sure?

**Roger**: Do you need our absolute undivided attention to answer a question?

**Ralph**: YES.

**Roger**: Hmm. Oh.

**Piggy**: Continue forth, Ralph.

**Ralph**: Okay. So...who would I rather do...Jack or Roger...dafuq.

**Maurice**: Sensual question is sensual.

**Roger**: OH GOD NOT THIS AGAIN.

**Jack**: SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT ME. PLZ.

**Ralph**: AM I SERIOUSLY THAT BAD?

**Roger**: YES.

**Simon**: You guys are so mean!

**Jack**: You don't even know what the question's about, so shut up.

**Bill**: Bruh, don't be mean to innocent dude Simon.

**Sam**: You better listen to the Lamp, Jack.

**Eric**: The Lamp can see into your SOUL.

**Bill**: I-I can?

**Jack**: SHUT UP. *turns to Ralph* Ralph, so help me if you choose me I will-

**Roger**: *pushes Jack away* RALPH. If you make the same mistake as last time and choose me again I will GUT YOU AND THEN STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR GUTS AND FEED YOUR INNARDS TO A BUNCH OF ORPHANS.

**Ralph**: I-I-

**Jack**: RALPH, RALPH, IF YOU PICK ME, I'LL TELL EVERYONE AT SCHOOL YOU HAVE HERPES.

**Roger**: I'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE AND MAURICE IS YOUR PIMP.

**Jack**: I'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE NOT A NATURAL BLONDE-\

**Ralph**: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

**Everyone**: *has shut up*

**Ralph**: I don't want to choose EITHER of them because they're both GROSS, but if I HAD to choose - and this if I absolutely had no other choice, I'd pick-

**Roger**: *has crossed his fingers and closed his eyes* Not me, not me, not me...

**Jack**: -Think of your reputation, Ralph. If people thought that you dyed your hair, well...

**Ralph: ***exhales* Roger.

**Roger**: DAMN IT RALPH NOW YOU'LL GET ROLPH RILED UP AGAIN I HATE YOU.

**Boulder**: *also hates Ralph because he always fucking chooses Roger doesn't he know that Roger belongs to him, hmm hmm HMM?*

**Ralph**: I'm sorry! But the thought of...of _Jack_ makes me want to throw up! And have built an exquisite reputation with my hair!

**Piggy**: And you're saying that Roger _doesn't_?

**Ralph**: No! I'm saying that it makes me want to throw up LESS.

**Roger**: Oh gawd why.

**Jack**: HEY! I'm way sexier than Roger!

**Sam**: Apparently-

**Eric**: -not!

**Bill**: HAHA!

**Jack**: RALPH! Now you've humiliated me!

**Ralph**: I thought you didn't want me to-

**Jack**: ROGER IS NOT BETTER THAN ME.

**Ralph**: B-but he's-

**Jack**: NO. BAD RALPH.

**Ralph**: B-b-but you...he...I thought...mad...BLONDE HAIR?

**Simon**: I think we should move on.

**Maurice**: Shit is about to get serious YA'LL.

**Bill**: Yo Simon, Si-fi, Saayyyyymin, SiMON, Sid, Si-Si, Siyooo, Samander! SIMON!

**Simon**: W-what?

**Bill**: YOU'RE UP NEXT.

**Piggy**: This questions satisfies me. *makes creepy face*

**Roger**: Oh god..

**Simon**: Uh...why was Piggy my least favorite?

**Jack**: Uh oh.

**Maurice**: SHIT IS ABOUT TO FLY BITCHES.

**Simon**: Well...I guess because we kind of have different mindsets about things.

**Piggy**: NO WHAT WE BOTH WANT CIVILITY AND LOGIC AND REASON!

**Simon**: Yeah but in different ways, I guess. I mean, I'd rather face the Beast, and Piggy would rather trust logic or science or whatever and know that without any proof, the beast is nonexistent.

**Jack**: BEAST IS REAL.

**Roger**: YEAH.

**Simon**: Well, yeah...but it's inside us.

**Maurice**: WHAT? How long has a BEAST been living in me? CAN I GET IT OUT?

**Bill**: I think they have doctors for that, Maurice.

**Maurice**: OK GOOD BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF GROSS. I'M LIKE POSSESSED OR SOMETHING...

**Simon**: Yeah but Piggy would rather just say that they're is no Beast. He wanted to fight with logic and reason, and I wanted to fight by facing it.

**Piggy**: So is that REALLY a reason to dislike me?

**Simon**: No but-

**Piggy**: SO HOW ARE YOU JUSTIFYING YOUR HATRED?

**Simon**: I don't hate you. I don't dislike you. You're just my least favorite. Also because I knew Jack and all the choirboys/savages before the island, so I was already friends with them. It's hard to hate people who've mentored you and are your role models.

**Ralph**: Roger, Jack, Maurice, and Bill-

**Eric**: -LAMP.

**Ralph**: *sighs* -_Lamp_, are your role models?

**Simon**: They used to be.

**Roger**: You looked up to me? _Why_?

**Simon**: Well, no one ever really bullied you, so I thought that if I ever wanted to stop my bullying problems, I could just act like you.

**Roger**: ...yep, being a sadist will do the trick for ya.

**Simon**: *back to question* I know that I was one of Piggy's only friends, and he _is_ my friend. Just my least favorite friend.

**Maurice**: *is crying* SHE CALLED SIMON A PRICK. WAAAHHH.

**Simon**: No, I understand what she means. And that does make me a little ashamed that I prefer Roger or Jack or even Ralph over Piggy. But I can't help how I feel.

**Bill**: Lamp approves.

**Piggy**: *crosses arms* Well then...

**Roger**: *singing* SIMON LIKES ME MORE THAN YOU, SIMON LIKES ME MORE THAN YOU, SIMON LIKES ME-

**Piggy**: SHUT UP.

**Roger**: *laughs*

**Bill**: Yo, Piggy, Pigster, NATHANIEL MY MAN, Nate, Natttiie, Nathan, PIGGO, Pig Bro, Oinkers, Snouters, Fatty, Lardass, NAT NAT-

**Everyone**: OK BILL WE GET IT.

**Sam**: HE'S A LAMP.

**Ralph**: You're inventive with nicknames, we get it-

**Bill**: Ralph, Ralphy, Ralphy-doodle-dandy, Ralpho, Ral, RAY, Phi-Phi-

**Jack**: Fi-fi?

**Ralph**: BILL-

**Eric**: -LAMP.

**Ralph**: -LAMP!

**Sam**: AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT-

**Bill**: Sam, Sammy, Sam-Sam, Sam-Tam, Samanther, Samuel, Samueleo, Say-

**Jack**: BILL SO HELP ME JUST LET FATSO ANSWER HIS QUESTION-

**Bill**: JACK, Jackie, Oh Jackie Boy, Jack-Jack, Jack-in-Black, Jack-Attack, Jay, Jack Sparrow, Jackolo, Jack and the Bean Stalk-

**Jack: ** STOP IT YOU STOP IT THIS INSTANCE YOU.

**Silence**: *is overbearing*

**Piggy**: Can I answer my question now?

**Jack**: Go ahead.

**Piggy**: *takes deep breath*

**Maurice**: *is slow minded* HHAHA JACK AND THE BEAN STALK! That sounds so wrong.

**Bill**: HAHA ERMAGERD it does.

**Maurice**: Jack and Ralph's bean stalk!

**Ralph**: SHUT THE FUCK UP-

**Jack**: -I WILL KILL YOU MAURICE.

**Piggy**: I'm going now!

**Everyone**: GO!

**Piggy**: Why didn't I control the group through Ralph? Well I-

**Ralph**: HEY! I didn't do everything he suggested...

**Piggy**: You did.

**Ralph**: I didn't make a sun dial.

**Piggy**: But you would've.

**Ralph**: No.

**Piggy**: Yes. *back to question* Well, I did to the best of my ability, but I wasn't exactly conscious of the fact that I was ruling _through_ him. I just kind of did it and thought I was being helpful. I honestly did believe that he was the best person to be the chief, and it wasn't until after Boulder crushed me-

**Roger**: -_Roger_ crushed you, dear Piggy.

**Piggy**: -Right. Whatever. It wasn't until I was _crushed_ *passes glare to Roger and Boulder*, that I realized how much more I could've willingly manipulated Ralph.

**Ralph**: That's not nice.

**Piggy**: I could've saved Simon's life and mine. Not that Simon would CARE because he DOESN'T LIKE ME.

**Simon**: THAT'S NOT TRUE.

**Piggy**: Anyway, so I guess now I see my true potential and Ralph's potential as well, but that ship has sailed-

**Maurice**: _Literally_.

**Piggy**: -and now I'm dead. But yes, I could've easily made Ralph do whatever I wanted.

**Bill**: *bursting with laughter* THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

**Maurice**: SO THAT'S WHY PIGGY HATES ROGER-

**Bill**: -PIGGY WANTS RALPH!

**Piggy**: Oh my GOD you bumbling IDIOTS!

**Ralph**: *cringes* Eww. *cringes again*

**Roger**: THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND RALPH. Last I heard, he's got a girlfriend anyway.

**Everyone**: *is suddenly interested*

**Ralph**: Uhh...*grins*

**Jack**: How does someone like YOU get a girlfriend?

**Bill**: Jocks. They always do.

**Simon**: Is it true, Ralph?

**Ralph**: Um...maybe?

**Jack**: Oh don't be humble. C'mon, Ralph, is it true?

**Ralph**: Uh...*thinks of a way to get out of awko situation* HEY MAURICE YOU HAVE A QUESTION.

**Maurice**: WHAT I DO ALL THOUGHTS OF RALPH'S POSSIBLE GIRLFRIEND ARE NOW LOST BECAUSE I HAVE A QUESTION AND I ADVISE YOU ALL TO DO THE SAME AND FOLLOW MY WHIM OF SCHNITZEL WHAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DOES IT SAY?

**Roger**: What.

**Piggy**: It says, _huggles_?

**Maurice**: Huggles? Like a hug?

**Simon**: My mother used to give me lots of huggles!

**Jack**: Awww. He truly is adorable.

**Maurice**: YES. HUGGLES HUGGLES HUGGLES! I LOVE HUGGLES!

**Roger**: Oh no-

**Maurice**: *is now hugging everyone* GROUP HUGGLES!

**Percival**: *slithers out from behind Maurice* YES! *clings onto Ralph's back* YES.

**Bill**: Seriously guys...where is that kid coming from?

**A/N**: Sorry about the long delay on this. It took me forever to write this because I'm an imbecile.

My brother and I went on Omegle and pretended to be Jack Merridew. Nobody caught on. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. We even said that we were on an island hunting pigs and that this douchebag Ralph was annoying us. And we mentioned Piggy. And Maurice. And then one person awkwardly wanted to hook up with Maurice and it was awkward. We told this one guy that Jack could sing C sharp and he was like, "That's way too high."

**Jack**: IDIOT THAT IS NOT HIGH THAT IS BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.

It was good fun.

**ENDE ;D**


End file.
